Don't Envy Me

envy- 1: painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary

I dread hearing this word.

Last night I was on the phone with the "Dominator" - for three hours. He's the guy that my girlfriend, Cutie Pie, has been seeing, which I believe I shared with you in a previous post. These two are having some serious relationship issues right now. Somehow I managed to become confidant to both of them, as they both call me when they need someone with a willing ear to hear them vent about the other. I'm not sure how I managed to receive this honor, but these two are driving me crazy.

A little background history is definitely in order here...

Back in the January/February time frame, I had gone out one night for Ladies Night (imagine that), and I had a bit too much to drink that night (imagine that, again, lol) Mr. Cinco de Mayo ended up showing up that night with a friend of his... none other than the Dominator. Mr. Cd'M introduced us, and while we sat near each other most of the night, he sat one table over from us, holding a seat for Mr. Cd'M while he floated around the bar socializing. Eventually I invited Dominator to sit with me, which he did, rather shyly, I might add.

When I first met the Dominator, I really didn't pay too much mind to him. He did seem pretty shy, sitting there quietly drinking his beer, scoping out the bar, taking things in. When Mr. Cd'M introduced us, he did so stating that Dominator was one of his closest friends. After D joined me at our table I started to wonder, if he and Mr. Cd'M were such good friends, why I hadn't met him before now? I started up a conversation with him, asking him about this, and he told me that he hadn't been in town very long, but he had definitely been to the watering hole before and never remembered seeing me there either. Strange, because I'm always running into Mr. Cd'M on Wednesday nights when I go out. Anyway, once the ice was broken, we sat there having casual conversation for the remainder of the night. The more I talked with Dominator, the more I realized how cute he was. I also found out that he is only 26. Eee gads! Another youngin'! Although he seemed very mature for his age. He's also got a cute little devious smile that was starting to make my panties wet. ;)

By the end of the night, I was pretty lit, and horny. Lil' Pistol had been hanging out with us on and off most of the night too, when she wasn't at the black jack tables. When it was time to go, I needed to run to the ladies room, and Lil' Pistol went with me, but not before telling Dominator to wait for us by the door, as she is handing him my jacket to hold.

At this point in the night, I was feeling pretty good, but I hadn't had any intentions of doing anything after the bar closed, except to go out to breakfast with Lil' Pistol to buy myself some sobering-up time, and then go home. When we got back from the restroom, there stood Dominator, like a good little boy, holding my jacket. He looked so cute standing there waiting for us, and as we are walking out the door, I couldn't resist grabbing his arm and he letting him escort me outside.

Once we were outside, Lil' Pistol disappeared. I have no idea where she went - no doubt she was being the usual social butterfly with everyone hanging out outside. Dominator and I, on the other hand, walked around the side of the building, heading to the other side of the parking lot to our cars. When we got around the corner, I asked him for a kiss. (You know me... always searching for that next delicious lip-lock, lol - and when the mood strikes me, there's no stopping me, LOL) For a few minutes, getting that kiss became a little game. He was resistant to kissing me, which was driving me harder to get that kiss. He's telling me he knows who my husband is, and there's no way he's going there with me. (The story of my life *sighs*) When I told him it was just a kiss, and that Hubby wouldn't have a problem with it, he continued to tell me no. This bummed me out, so I said, "Seriously, Hubby and I have an open-marriage, and he really has no problem with it - it's just a kiss." He says, "Well, if Hubby were here to tell me that himself, I'd believe it, but until I hear him tell me that, we aren't going there. Silently laughing about how much I love the cell phone age, I grabbed my phone and immediately sent Hubby a text message telling him what was going on, asking him for his "permission" to "kiss" Dominator. Obviously, I knew what Hubby would say, and shortly thereafter, I receive a text message back from Hubby telling me, "Have fun! ;)" When I showed Dominator the reply, he immediately grabs my hair, yanking my head back fast, and kissed me so hard I thought I lost a lip in the process! Wow! (So much for shyness. It's always the quiet ones that come out of the closet in freak-mode, lol.) After telling Dominator he needed to be a wee bit more gentle, he apologized and kissed me again - this time a little more gentle, but still with the same heat that accompanied the first one. This lead to a pretty hot make-out session, which in turn had my head spinning and my juices flowing like Niagara Falls!

It wasn't long before Dominator and I were ready to take this to the next level, but before we left, I needed to let Lil' Pistol know that I wouldn't be going out to breakfast with her, so me and "D" went searching for her. Once we found her, she and Dominator started flirting too. Somehow, suddenly, there was an announcement by Lil' Pistol that if she was coming with us, it needed to be clear that she was there for my benefit only, and not his. Interesting twist. I honestly don't know how she even got invited to this little party. No doubt the Dominator had plans that involved both of us, which he failed to let me in on. I guess I had more to drink than I realized, as this whole conversation is a little fuzzy to me. All I know is that I wasn't really thrilled with the idea of sharing at that particular moment, but as always, I went with the flow, lol - On that note, the three of us headed to the Dominator's house.

Wow - okay, so I was already horny as hell, and Lil' Pistol and I had been teasing each other for quite some time, with every intention of hooking up when the time was right. I guess this night was the night, even though I was initially resistant to the idea! ;) When we got into D's apartment, it was only a matter of minutes before we were all kissing and caressing each other. I helped Lil' Pistol out of her clothes, sucking and licking her nipples, and kissing my way down her belly, until I leaned her over the edge of the sofa, and began exploring between her legs with my tongue. Somehow, D managed to get me undressed with very little effort, because suddenly I found myself bare-assed, with it up in the air while I was going down on Lil' Pistol, and D entering me from behind. Oh my!

Eventually we moved to D's bedroom, where we would have more space, and we ended up in a tangled pretzel, lovin' all over each other. I'll will remind you now of Lil' Pistol's comment about how she was only there "for my benefit", and I have to say, she stuck to that tooth and nail. No matter how hard D tried, she wouldn't let him f* her. She did, however, let him go down on her - which was hot as hell to watch! But when it came to f*ing, he was all mine. *grins* Fabulous! I really enjoyed this little threesome tremendously - each of us getting our attention in different ways - but all of us always pleasuring someone in the process. The orgasmic moans that filled the room that night were incredible. There's nothing better than a tangle of bodies, all hot and sweaty, with someone always touching you, providing a wave of orgasms between us - Mmmmmmm!

We spent an easy three hours having sex that night. By the time we were done, we were all beyond spent and ready for sleep. I actually had more orgasms that one night than I ever have in a single session of hot sex. This guy is amazing in bed! My legs were wobbly for three days after that one, hehe - Anyway *she says with a grin, ear to ear*, Lil' Pistol eventually announced that she had to get home, and since I rode with her and I needed to get my car, we left together.

An interesting note to this is that Lil' Pistol got in trouble with her husband that night when she got home, because she didn't let him know where she was at during the course of events. She says she told him she was with me, as well as what happened between us, but didn't bother to share with him that D was involved in this little ordeal. This really bothers me. I mean, it's her life, and I know she and her husband have a fairly good relationship, so for her to do what she did that night and keep if from her husband is only asking for trouble, in my opinion. The thing that bothers me most about it is the 'I want to do what you do' syndrome, which I believe she was feeling at the time. She is 30 years old with a mind of her own, but now she has a curfew - and a secret she will have to deal with the rest of her life. As far as I know, her husband had no problems with her being with me that night, as they had actually previously discussed the idea - but guaranteed he would have a problem with Dominator being involved. And now I feel bad, because my lifestyle has affected yet another person through the "envy factor".

It actually gets a little worse where Lil' Pistol and her husband are concerned. She and I had a talk a couple days ago. Since that crazy night a few months ago, when Mr. Pistol and I had sex with her permission, in her presence, I noticed she has backed off from me, not being nearly as "friendly" as she usually is. Given that, I asked her again if everything was okay with her and Mr. Pistol where that night was concerned. She swears everything is cool, but as she is telling me this, she's avoiding eye contact with me, which is not her style. I told her I wasn't getting a warm fuzzy about it, and hated the thought that it might have a bad effect on their relationship. Again, without looking me in the eye, she says everything is fine, to which I made her swear it was really cool between them, and if it wasn't they needed to let me know. She swears to me all is well. I have to take her at her word, even though I know there's something she's not telling me. Needless to say, I won't be going there with them again. It's fairly obvious to me, even though she won't admit it, that their relationship is not ready for this lifestyle.

Back to the Dominator...

D and I have had a few solo encounters since that night with Lil' Pistol. Again, sex with this guy is amazing! And he really is a freak! Totally into bondage, whips & crops, candle wax, and rough sex. I didn't give him the name "Dominator" for nothin'! ;) Mind you, I'm not really into all that. My rule of thumb is, 'if it involves pain of any sort, I'm not interested", although this "youngin'" has taught me that there are degrees of pain, and I have found that I am totally into things that heighten sensation without actually causing pain. One night he introduced the crop to me, and - OMG! - the man knows what he is doing! WOW! My motto: You're never too old to learn something new! ;) And, oh by the way, can we please add a crop to the toy box?! hehe

Well, after a few times together, I guess D decided that, while he enjoyed being a playmate - actually telling me one night during sex that I had one of the best p*'s he'd ever f*d, which is quite the compliment for a woman my age to hear from a young guy who is as experienced as he is - he decided that he needed more than just sex. He wanted someone who would be there waiting for him at night when he got home, and could curl up with him when he went to sleep, which obviously wasn't a possibility with me. I completely understood where he was coming from, so we ended the sexual aspect of our relationship, but have remained friends, and a few weeks after this conversation, he met Cutie Pie.

When D and Cutie Pie hooked up, D pretty much disappeared on me. I didn't hear from him for almost three weeks. Then he calls me one night to tell me all about her, and in the process tells me that he would love to have me join them in a threesome. He says he's been telling her all about me and the lifestyle Hubby and I are into, and then he tells me she's never been involved in a threesome. Mind you, at this point I haven't even met Cutie Pie. Then he tells me the night we were with Lil' Pistol, that was his first experience with a threesome as well. Are you kidding me?! Wow. I would have never guessed that in a million years. Seriously. This guy has it going on, and he gave us definite equal pleasure as though he had experience with threesomes. Anyway, he tells me that he has been wanting to get into this lifestyle for a while, but he's never had a willing partner in the past. He continues on by telling me that I am the "perfect" partner to introduce the lifestyle to Cutie Pie. This is something I have heard from others in the past. I don't quite know why people find me to be so "perfect" for this job. I know I should consider this a compliment, but it seems as though I am forever being the teacher. I silently groaned to myself when D said that, because I am so done with the teacher-student scenario, because it usually means the student gets all the action, and Lady Lover gets nothin' because said students have no clue how to do anything else but lay there and receive. In all my "experience", I have only ever had one woman that didn't need me to teach her anything. Might I add, it was GREAT! It wouldn't hurt my feelings in the slightest to have a few more female partners like her!

Ladies, if I may... for all of you who are, or may find yourself to be bi-curious, but unsure of what you might do with another woman should you ever have the opportunity, the key is this: If you know what you like for yourself, it's as simple as applying those techniques to the woman you find yourself with. It amazes me the number of women I have met in my life that haven't a clue what pleasures them sexually. If you're one of these women, it's time you started exploring the possibilities either through masturbation, or with your partner. Believe me, you won't be sorry. Once you find those things that really rev your motor and get you off, your sex life will improve dramatically. There is so much more to the pleasure of sex than just laying there and getting screwed. The best way to learn about your pleasure buttons is to get to know your body very well on an intimate level. You can't be afraid to explore your own body. Then you need to be able to share that knowledge with your partner. If you can't be open with your partner about what feels good and what doesn't, then sex is going to become more of a chore than a pleasure.

So, anyway... One night I was out with the crowd, and we ended up at Mr. Cd'M's house at the end of the night. D showed up with Cutie Pie, so I finally got to meet her. There's another one who is rightly named... Cutie Pie. She is cute as hell. She's 24, and just flat out sexy. We hit it off right off the bat and spent most of the night chit-chatting, eventually getting to the subject of sex. She tells me that she thinks I am sexy too, as well as beautiful *batting my eyelashes, lol* but that she's not sure how she feels about this whole threesome thing. I got the impression that D was pushing pretty hard for the three of us to get together, so I told her that I'm not into pressuring anyone, and if she decided later on that she was interested, to let me know. I was finding myself to be very attracted to her, and the feelings seemed to be mutual, as we ended our talk with a rather yummy kiss.

Since meeting Cutie Pie that night, she and I have started to become pretty good friends. Dominator left a few months ago for some military duty elsewhere, and Cutie Pie and I hang out together on Wednesday nights at Ladies Night. She and I have determined that we really want to spend some time alone together, but there has been one major glitch in our plans - Dominator does not want Cutie Pie and I to hook up without him being there. She and I have had some major make-out sessions since he's been gone, but both of us are trying to be good until D gets back next month. As I said in the beginning of this post, the two of them are having major issues, which sadly stem from his desire to explore the open relationship lifestyle, so if Cutie Pie and I were to hook up without him, if he found out, all hell would break loose. Which leads me to the envy factor once again...

As I said in the beginning of this long post, D and I had a three hour long conversation last night. During our talk, he was discussing the issues he and Cutie Pie are having. Without giving more details, because that would double the size of this post, their problems basically stem from the fact that he wants to go out and f* other women while he's gone, but he has a problem with her having sex with anyone else, because he's afraid she's going to find someone better and leave him. I'm sure you can see the twisted unfairness in this double-standard he's trying to get both of us to accept. Not. I told him that was bullshit, and if he wants his relationship to work with Cutie Pie, then he needed to keep it in his pants until he gets back, when they can work all this out in person. Meanwhile, he's also trying to get me to have phone sex with him, to which I told him yet again, how unfair that was. If I couldn't be alone with Cutie Pie, because now I've become an issue to him in their relationship, I most certainly wasn't going to mess around with him behind Cutie Pie's back, on the phone or otherwise. He wasn't too happy about that, to which I replied, "Tough shit." That's when he said it...

His exact words, "I envy you."

I cringed when I heard him say that. I told him my lifestyle is nothing to envy. He says, "It's not just the lifestyle. It's the fact that you and Hubby have been together for so long and made this lifestyle work in your marraige all these years." It always boils down to the lifestyle. *sighs*

Here is a simple fact: If my marraige provided me everything I truly needed in my life, emotionally and physically, this lifestyle wouldn't even be a consideration. We, as human beings, have needs that we desire to be fulfilled. If those needs aren't being met, we tend to find ways to fulfill them, regardless of the avenue we take to get there.

While there is a freedom in this lifestyle, and yes, it has it's physical pleasures, it also doesn't come without it's price tags, which can come in many forms. If you desire this type of life, I ask you to ask yourself, what is the appeal? And, what do you hope to gain from it? If you have a lifemate, and you are considering this lifestyle, or want to get your partner into it, ask yourself what you are missing in that relationship that makes this so desirable. It's one thing to enter into this lifestyle just to enhance your sex life, but any other reasons need to be carefully considered. When the sex is over, are you fulfilled? Or do you walk away still feeling like you're missing something? Above all else, don't envy me - I live this lifestyle openly, because it makes my marriage work. Without it, I probably would have ended my marriage years ago. That's nothing to envy.

xoxo

When the cat's away...

It's Tuesday, and as I'm typing this, I'm horny as hell. I don't know what it is, but since Hubby left on Sunday, it's like my horny-mones have gone into overdrive! In one respect, it's a real bummer because Hubby's gone, and now I have to be thankful for my stock of batteries, vibrators, and dildos, which are on hand at a moments notice. On the other hand, I am really looking forward to Ladies Night this week. I have every intention of going out and finding a playmate for the night! ;)

A few weeks ago, Hubby and I had a conversation about whether or not he felt comfortable with me continuing to live "the lifestyle" while he is gone for a year. I told him that if he wanted me to behave myself, he had the option to tell me so. I have to confess that would be very hard for me, but I was willing to be a "good girl" while he was gone, if that's what he wanted. Goddess Bless Hubby, because he says to me, "It's okay - go out and have fun. I know it's a stress-reliever for you to go out on Wednesday nights, and part of that is about letting the naughty girl come out to play." Thank goodness, lol - At the same time, I do feel a bit guilty that I will get to play, while he, on the other hand, will have very limited options while he's in Iraq. I can't even send the man naked pictures of me, because porn of any type is illegal over there. We were in a toy shop again a few weeks ago, and I asked him if he would like one of those simulated coochies to take with him, and he wasn't interested. Hey, at least I tried. I told him he, at the least, had to take a box of condoms with him, just in case he finds a playmate of his own while he's there. He agreed, while saying that he doubted he'd need them, but I'd rather him be safe than sorry.

I don't understand my husband sometimes. Seriously. Most men would die for the chance to be able to openly play around. But not my husband. I suppose I should be thankful for that, and flattered that he only wants me. If truth be told, there are times when I feel really guilty that I'm the only one that plays for the most part, even though I know that excites him. But I also get turned on by watching him receive pleasure. I know part of his "issue", if you want to call it that, is that his self-esteem is low. He doesn't think other women are attracted to him. He couldn't be more wrong, and I try to tell him that. I see women looking at him all the time, which I point out often.

Except for being overweight, my husband is a good looking man. He's got a full head of salt & pepper hair that in his younger years was a beautiful dark brown, the kindest eyes, and a fabulous smile. When he's not acting like a miserable, pessimistic shit, he's actually got a great personality, getting along well with almost anyone he comes across, and he's got a great sense of humor. I used to think of him as sexy as hell, and while I still think he's sexy today, he is slowly losing his sex appeal. That sounds bad, I know. I think "sexy" is a frame of mind. If you feel sexy, you project that out to the world. Apparently, he doesn't feel sexy, so he doesn't put himself out that way. My efforts to help him feel sexy seem to be for not. I know a lot of that has to do with his weight, which in turn has to do with depression, because he's so miserable most of the time due to his job and where we are stationed right now. I'm secretly hoping he'll drop a good deal of weight while he's in Iraq, if by any other means, then at least through osmosis of his circumstances. When he gets back from Iraq, I really hope the change of scenery will also turn things around for him, and bring back the positive, happy-go-lucky man I fell in love with 23 years ago.

Yeah - so - I totally didn't mean to go there about Hubby, but I feel better now, having gotten that off my chest, lol No doubt, you will hear more of my bitchiness and griping about him and our marriage over time. I have a lot of things I need to get off my chest about my marriage these days. It seems every time we're apart for an extended period, I learn more and more about myself. I think it's because I have a chance to explore life more when he's not around, and I always have far too much time on my hands to think. Lucky you! Because you get to be the recipient of all those thoughts, LOL!

So... back to Ladies Night!

I have decided that while Hubby is gone, I will continue to find playmates, since he is agreeable to it. But at the same time, I have also decided I don't want to find any one person to spend any extended time with. The last time we were apart for a year - just three years ago - I made the mistake of spending too much time with one man, and ended up falling deeply in love with him. Of course, I'm talking about Sexy Man. Wow, I haven't said that name in a while. Now it's confession time...

Sexy Man and I are still in touch. Not regularly, but we have talked every few months over the last year and half. Mostly it has been me keeping in touch with him. I will send him a text just to see how he's doing, and more often than not, it leads to one of us calling the other, and we end up talking and catching up on each others lives for about an hour or so. Our conversations always end with "I love you" coming from both of us, and then we hang up and don't talk to each other for a few more months.

As each month passes, the distance between us gets further and further apart. I had actually started getting to the point where I have considered simply not getting in touch with him anymore, because I'm always the one to initiate the contact. I have said to him more than once that it bothers me that he doesn't try to contact me in the interim, and he always tells me how bad he is about keeping in touch with anyone, and that he just gets busy. Hmmm. Yeah, right. While I still love this man, and he says he still loves me, I can't help wondering what kind of love he really has for me anymore, and often tell myself it's time for me to permanently let go.

From the moment Sexy Man and I started spending time together three years ago, I always felt like my time with him was a dream. I felt like I lived in one of those continuous states of "pinch me" moments, because I was always waiting for him to tell me it was over, like the relationship we had was too good to be true - and too wrong to last, because we were both married. Many times over the last three years, during our conversations, I have asked him if he would prefer for me to just disappear - if he would prefer never hearing from me again? He always tells me no - that he doesn't want me to disappear - that he loves me and enjoys talking with me. Often I have wished that he would just tell me to get lost, so I could bring some final closure to our once fabulous relationship. But in the process, I could never bring myself to end it. I have needed, all this time, to hear him tell me that it was over.

To this day, I still miss Sexy Man terribly. I still miss the connection we had - the chemistry; I miss the peaceful feeling that washed over me every time we were together; I miss the way he could always make me laugh, no matter how bad things seemed; I miss his smile and his touch, and I miss touching him, and feeling his lips against mine. I also miss the way he touched me, mind, body and soul, when we made love. My relationship with him was everything I always imagined a loving relationship between a man and woman should be, and everything my marriage is not - which is why I fell so deeply in love with him, and why I have never been able to let go of him completely.

I wish my marriage had all those elements in it. I often crave that feeling of complete and utter happiness in my life. Quite honestly, if my marriage was anything like my relationship with Sexy Man, I would never need, nor want, to be with anyone else again. The lifestyle I have lived all these years would be history. Yes, my relationship with Sexy Man was that fulfilling. But, alas, my relationship with Hubby is not, nor will it ever be, like the relationship I had with Sexy Man. And, so, I will continue to cling to 23 years of a life I have built with my dear Hubby, while finding my satisfaction and release in this lifestyle I have become so accustomed to. Remember, however, as you are reading this, that I do still love my husband. He has been my friend and confidant for many years, and we have built a relationship which, while it may seem unorthodox to many, works for us.

Having said all that, I will continue my confession...

When I found out Hubby was going to be leaving for a year, the first thing that popped into my head, after the shock, was Sexy Man. I couldn't help wanting to make use of the time apart from Hubby, being back in a state of bliss with Sexy Man. (No, our relationship was not always "blissful", but for the most part, I was the happiest I have ever been when I was with him - and the most miserable when I was without him.) In my heart, I wanted nothing more than to run to him down in Texas and spend a year being in his arms as often as possible. But in my head, I knew how dangerous that could be, because, ultimately, I knew if I did that, my marriage would most certainly end. But even knowing that, I had to know if there was still a chance for Sexy Man and I after three years of being apart.

Shortly after I found out Hubby would be leaving, I sent Sexy Man a text message telling him we needed to talk. I was very nervous about broaching this subject with him. Deep down, I knew this would be the ultimate test of our relationship - there was really only two ways it could go. 1) He would tell me that he wanted to be with me, in which case I would move down to Texas as soon as Hubby left, and we would both probably end up in divorce court eventually, or 2) It would force him to tell me it was over. As much as I dreaded the latter, I needed to know one way or another.

While I was on the phone with Sexy Man, we spent the first 20 minutes catching up on life in general. Eventually, he asked me what I needed to talk to him about. Taking a deep breath, and bracing myself for the worst, I began to tell him about Hubby leaving for a year. He, of course, asked me if that meant I was moving back to Texas, and he actually sounded hopeful about it. Then I told him that would depend on him. When he asked me what I meant, I said, "Baby, if I come back to Texas right now, it will be solely because I want to be with you." Then I told him, "I need to know if you are comfortable with that, and if you have any desire to pick up where we left off? If you don't, I need to know now." There was a long stretch of silence on the other end of the phone, and in that moment, I felt my heart being wrenched out of my chest.

I knew the probable outcome of this conversation before it ever took place. When I said I was bracing myself for the worst, I mean that to the fullest extent. His silence seemed to go on forever, and with each passing second, I knew when he finally spoke again it was going to hurt like hell. Then I hear him say, "Baby, you know I love you." All I could say was, "I know." Then there was another long pause, and he finally says, "I'm sorry." Trying desperately to choke back the tears, I said, "I was bracing myself for this." He said, "I just can't do this anymore. I do love you, but we will never be able to have the life we want together." I said, "I would have given anything to spend more time with you, even though we are married." Then he says again, "I do love you, and I never wanted to hurt you. I'm sorry." I told him, "I always felt like the love you had for me was very different than the way I felt about you, and I needed to know. Thank you for your honesty." Then I continued by saying, "I suppose this means it is time for me to finally disappear." To which he responds, "Please don't do that." I said, "What?" He says, "Please don't disappear. If you come down this way for a visit, I want to know, so that we can see each other - maybe go for a walk in the park, or have a drink, or something." I asked him if that meant he wanted to remain friends, and he said yes.

Can I simply remain friends with this man? I don't think my heart can take being that close to him without wanting to be physically connected with him as well. I don't think I can take walking in the park with him, without the usual hand-holding and snuggles. In short, I love this man too much to just be friends, but I agreed that we will remain friends none-the-less. With that, I told him I needed to go. I couldn't hold back the tears anymore, and I didn't want to sob in his ear. As we are saying goodbye, he says, "I love you. I'm sorry." All I could say was that I needed to go. I hung up from our call, and allowed myself only a moment to grieve. It wouldn't have been good to go home with my eyes all swollen and puffy, because I knew Hubby was waiting for me. I vowed that I would save the tears for a time when I would be alone and could fully grieve my loss undisturbed.

Since that day, I have tried not to think about Sexy Man. Today, however, I have cried over him while typing this. It hurts. But at the same time, I feel a strange sense of relief over it too. As much as I never wanted to lose him from my life, I needed that closure. I needed to hear him tell me he loved me, but I also need to know that he didn't want an intimate relationship with me anymore. I feel like I can finally move on with my life - almost.

You see, a while ago I started a scrapbook for Sexy Man about our time together. At the time, I also made a similar one for myself, so I have two of these scrapbooks. The last time I was in Texas, I wanted to give it to him, but things being what they were, I never even told him I was in town until the day before I left. We had a long conversation on my way out of town the next day, and he let me know how disappointed he was that we didn't get together. I regret not letting him know that I was there, but I think, at the time, it was for the best. But now, I still have this scrapbook that I want to give to him, because I made it for him, and honestly, I can't bring myself to throw it out. Anyway, since our recent conversation, I have decided I still want him to have it. I have plans to make a trip to Texas in a few months, so when I go down there, I will meet with him one last time to give him this scrapbook.

Am I crazy for wanting to do that? My head is screaming at me that I'm a lunatic for even allowing myself to see him again, and I'll probably make a complete ass out of myself when I hand him that book. Who knows if he'll even accept it. Personally, at this point, I don't care what he does with it after I hand it to him, as long as I place it in his hands. Then I can say I at least gave it to him... one last gift from my heart. Then I will say goodbye to him, and tell him that he will never hear from me again. Sounds kind of dramatic, doesn't it? Yeah, I think so too. I don't really want the drama - I already know I'm going to end up balling my eyes out in the process, probably in front of him, making an ass out of myself one final time. But deep within me, I know he really did love me at one time - enough so that he came close to leaving his wife for me - I want him to always remember that I loved him too. It also feels like its an appropriate way to bring closure to our relationship from my end. I need to be able to say, face to face, that it's over. So that's the plan. I won't be in touch with him until I have set my dates for the trip, and then I will plan to get together with him, even if it's only for a few minutes. I will hand him the book, and then walk away from him and get on with my life.

I am actually trying to get on with my life even now. It has been a long haul getting from point A to point B where Sexy Man is concerned. I have tried so hard to work on my marriage over the last three years, and it has been a tough road getting my marriage back to some semblance of stability. As much as I love Sexy Man, I also love Hubby, and I plan on continuing to work on my marriage. Being apart for yet another year is not going to be easy, but I know that I can never allow myself to have feelings for someone else the way I felt about Sexy Man. It is imperative to me that I am able to close off that part of my heart, unless it is for Hubby. I can only hope that Hubby and I can one day reach that point after all these years. *sighs* Which finally brings me back to our lifestyle, and the infamous Ladies Night...

Having been through what I went through with Sexy Man, and knowing in the end that I will remain with Hubby, I will continue with our sexscapades, because that is part of what makes our marriage work. I will get through this year, guarding my heart from ever falling for anyone else, and I will have fun doing it, damn it! lol I refuse to roll over and die - and let's face it, I love sex! If I can manage to find a playmate once or twice a month that can keep my appetite for sex satiated, then all the better for me! ;) While the cat's away, this little mousy is going to play, play, play!

xoxo

Let the Games Begin...

Hi Everyone! I guess you could say that I have been taking a blogging sabbatical, lol - there's been too much going on lately in my personal life, and I simply haven't been able to bring myself to blog about it. Not that things have been bad - things have just been stressful. We'll start with a few weeks ago when I had my third anxiety attack...

I'm pretty sure I mentioned in a previous post that Hubby has orders to go to Iraq for a year. We found this out several weeks ago, and since that time, things have just been stressful here at home. With all the information we have been receiving about his leaving, and everything he has had to do to get ready, it has put our life in a state of chaos. Well, between knowing that Hubby was going to be leaving, and everything else that has happened over the last several months, like Grandma passing away, and my Son's heart attack, I guess it was just too much for me. Actually, I thought I was handling it all pretty good, until I started feeling chest pains.

For about two weeks I had been feeling like I was having problems breathing, and I could feel my heart, like it was going to pound out of my chest. Since I have had two anxiety attacks in the past, I had a feeling that's what was happening again, so I let it go with the decision that I just needed to find a way to relax. Unfortunately, there was too much going on at home to really get to a state of true relaxation, and one evening my boss calls me to ask me to work for her the next day. I needed the extra money, so I agreed. When I got to work that morning, my chest started to feel like someone was sitting on top of me - my breathing got more difficult, I was getting really dizzy when I would stand up, and my left arm started to hurt. Within an hour of being there, I started to feel over-all like shit, and thought maybe I was having a heart attack. I ended up calling my boss, Hubby, and an ambulance, in that order. When they started to put me on the stretcher, I actually collapsed. Talk about scary.

It turns out that I was having a severe anxiety attack. These things suck. Honestly, for the most part, I'm probably one of the most laid-back people you could ever meet. I am so frustrated by these anxiety attacks that I have, because I don't understand why I have them. They come on like a freight train, and I have no control over what's happening. It's almost like my body says, "Girlfriend, you've had enough stress building up, and now its time to blow off some steam." And the worst part is that each one has shown more than one symptom of a heart attack. On the way to the hospital that day, they had to give me 4 aspirin and 3 shots of nitroglycerin under my tongue before the chest pains started to subside. And let me just tell you, both of them are nasty as hell even one time - yuck! Then they get me to the emergency room and start running all kinds of tests - I hate this process. Needles... I HATE needles. But in the end, the blood test showed no signs of the enzyme your body releases during a heart attack, so that was ruled out. They even did an x-ray of my chest to make sure I didn't have some kind of blood clot in my lungs, which is something I experienced many years ago, because I had pneumonia. That's some scary shit too! After the x-ray results came back, they determined that it was another anxiety attack, then they prescribed me the strongest Valium they had and sent me home.

Since that day, I have tried really hard to relax and find ways to reduce my stress levels. Taking the Valium is not an option unless I'm prepared to sleep for 7 hours. It's been difficult. While I am trying to "relax", Hubby was still swirling around me in a whirlwind, trying to get ready to deploy, with constant stories of his frustration about the whole thing, not to mention sharing stories with me that he has heard from other people about the "Iraq Experience", which I really didn't need, nor want to hear. It finally got to the point that, as wrong as this is going to sound, I was ready for Hubby to leave. I needed him to just go, so that I could settle into a routine for myself, and start trying to handle the time alone. Again, this is going to sound wrong, but I got to a point where I couldn't wait for him to leave, and I pretty much told him that. Thankfully, he understood. Was I looking forward to his leaving? Not really - only so much in that I knew once he was gone, we could both start dealing with this, and we both knew that it also meant we could start working on getting him back home again. The waiting for the inevitable was hard on both of us.

Now he's gone. He left early Sunday morning. He hasn't actually left for Iraq just yet, because he's got some survival training to go through before he goes over there. So right now, he's doing that training at another base. He'll be home Friday evening, and we'll get one day together before he leaves again for more training at yet another base, to which he'll be gone for a month. Then he'll come home for a week, and after that he'll leave for a year in Iraq. Yes, it sucks. No, I'm not looking forward to a year without him. I'm not looking forward to worrying about his happy ass being in a combat zone either. But as a wife of a military member for nearly 20 years, I know that we do what we must. *sighs*

There is good news at the end of all this, however. We finally have our hard copy orders out of this crappy place we've been stationed at, and we're heading South when he gets back. We won't be going back to Texas just yet, but we'll be about two hours from where we intended to retire, so it's close enough for the moment. If I can just remain positive, and keep myself focused on our move next year, then I'm hoping to get through this with flying colors. Time will tell.

xoxo