When the cat's away...

It's Tuesday, and as I'm typing this, I'm horny as hell. I don't know what it is, but since Hubby left on Sunday, it's like my horny-mones have gone into overdrive! In one respect, it's a real bummer because Hubby's gone, and now I have to be thankful for my stock of batteries, vibrators, and dildos, which are on hand at a moments notice. On the other hand, I am really looking forward to Ladies Night this week. I have every intention of going out and finding a playmate for the night! ;)

A few weeks ago, Hubby and I had a conversation about whether or not he felt comfortable with me continuing to live "the lifestyle" while he is gone for a year. I told him that if he wanted me to behave myself, he had the option to tell me so. I have to confess that would be very hard for me, but I was willing to be a "good girl" while he was gone, if that's what he wanted. Goddess Bless Hubby, because he says to me, "It's okay - go out and have fun. I know it's a stress-reliever for you to go out on Wednesday nights, and part of that is about letting the naughty girl come out to play." Thank goodness, lol - At the same time, I do feel a bit guilty that I will get to play, while he, on the other hand, will have very limited options while he's in Iraq. I can't even send the man naked pictures of me, because porn of any type is illegal over there. We were in a toy shop again a few weeks ago, and I asked him if he would like one of those simulated coochies to take with him, and he wasn't interested. Hey, at least I tried. I told him he, at the least, had to take a box of condoms with him, just in case he finds a playmate of his own while he's there. He agreed, while saying that he doubted he'd need them, but I'd rather him be safe than sorry.

I don't understand my husband sometimes. Seriously. Most men would die for the chance to be able to openly play around. But not my husband. I suppose I should be thankful for that, and flattered that he only wants me. If truth be told, there are times when I feel really guilty that I'm the only one that plays for the most part, even though I know that excites him. But I also get turned on by watching him receive pleasure. I know part of his "issue", if you want to call it that, is that his self-esteem is low. He doesn't think other women are attracted to him. He couldn't be more wrong, and I try to tell him that. I see women looking at him all the time, which I point out often.

Except for being overweight, my husband is a good looking man. He's got a full head of salt & pepper hair that in his younger years was a beautiful dark brown, the kindest eyes, and a fabulous smile. When he's not acting like a miserable, pessimistic shit, he's actually got a great personality, getting along well with almost anyone he comes across, and he's got a great sense of humor. I used to think of him as sexy as hell, and while I still think he's sexy today, he is slowly losing his sex appeal. That sounds bad, I know. I think "sexy" is a frame of mind. If you feel sexy, you project that out to the world. Apparently, he doesn't feel sexy, so he doesn't put himself out that way. My efforts to help him feel sexy seem to be for not. I know a lot of that has to do with his weight, which in turn has to do with depression, because he's so miserable most of the time due to his job and where we are stationed right now. I'm secretly hoping he'll drop a good deal of weight while he's in Iraq, if by any other means, then at least through osmosis of his circumstances. When he gets back from Iraq, I really hope the change of scenery will also turn things around for him, and bring back the positive, happy-go-lucky man I fell in love with 23 years ago.

Yeah - so - I totally didn't mean to go there about Hubby, but I feel better now, having gotten that off my chest, lol No doubt, you will hear more of my bitchiness and griping about him and our marriage over time. I have a lot of things I need to get off my chest about my marriage these days. It seems every time we're apart for an extended period, I learn more and more about myself. I think it's because I have a chance to explore life more when he's not around, and I always have far too much time on my hands to think. Lucky you! Because you get to be the recipient of all those thoughts, LOL!

So... back to Ladies Night!

I have decided that while Hubby is gone, I will continue to find playmates, since he is agreeable to it. But at the same time, I have also decided I don't want to find any one person to spend any extended time with. The last time we were apart for a year - just three years ago - I made the mistake of spending too much time with one man, and ended up falling deeply in love with him. Of course, I'm talking about Sexy Man. Wow, I haven't said that name in a while. Now it's confession time...

Sexy Man and I are still in touch. Not regularly, but we have talked every few months over the last year and half. Mostly it has been me keeping in touch with him. I will send him a text just to see how he's doing, and more often than not, it leads to one of us calling the other, and we end up talking and catching up on each others lives for about an hour or so. Our conversations always end with "I love you" coming from both of us, and then we hang up and don't talk to each other for a few more months.

As each month passes, the distance between us gets further and further apart. I had actually started getting to the point where I have considered simply not getting in touch with him anymore, because I'm always the one to initiate the contact. I have said to him more than once that it bothers me that he doesn't try to contact me in the interim, and he always tells me how bad he is about keeping in touch with anyone, and that he just gets busy. Hmmm. Yeah, right. While I still love this man, and he says he still loves me, I can't help wondering what kind of love he really has for me anymore, and often tell myself it's time for me to permanently let go.

From the moment Sexy Man and I started spending time together three years ago, I always felt like my time with him was a dream. I felt like I lived in one of those continuous states of "pinch me" moments, because I was always waiting for him to tell me it was over, like the relationship we had was too good to be true - and too wrong to last, because we were both married. Many times over the last three years, during our conversations, I have asked him if he would prefer for me to just disappear - if he would prefer never hearing from me again? He always tells me no - that he doesn't want me to disappear - that he loves me and enjoys talking with me. Often I have wished that he would just tell me to get lost, so I could bring some final closure to our once fabulous relationship. But in the process, I could never bring myself to end it. I have needed, all this time, to hear him tell me that it was over.

To this day, I still miss Sexy Man terribly. I still miss the connection we had - the chemistry; I miss the peaceful feeling that washed over me every time we were together; I miss the way he could always make me laugh, no matter how bad things seemed; I miss his smile and his touch, and I miss touching him, and feeling his lips against mine. I also miss the way he touched me, mind, body and soul, when we made love. My relationship with him was everything I always imagined a loving relationship between a man and woman should be, and everything my marriage is not - which is why I fell so deeply in love with him, and why I have never been able to let go of him completely.

I wish my marriage had all those elements in it. I often crave that feeling of complete and utter happiness in my life. Quite honestly, if my marriage was anything like my relationship with Sexy Man, I would never need, nor want, to be with anyone else again. The lifestyle I have lived all these years would be history. Yes, my relationship with Sexy Man was that fulfilling. But, alas, my relationship with Hubby is not, nor will it ever be, like the relationship I had with Sexy Man. And, so, I will continue to cling to 23 years of a life I have built with my dear Hubby, while finding my satisfaction and release in this lifestyle I have become so accustomed to. Remember, however, as you are reading this, that I do still love my husband. He has been my friend and confidant for many years, and we have built a relationship which, while it may seem unorthodox to many, works for us.

Having said all that, I will continue my confession...

When I found out Hubby was going to be leaving for a year, the first thing that popped into my head, after the shock, was Sexy Man. I couldn't help wanting to make use of the time apart from Hubby, being back in a state of bliss with Sexy Man. (No, our relationship was not always "blissful", but for the most part, I was the happiest I have ever been when I was with him - and the most miserable when I was without him.) In my heart, I wanted nothing more than to run to him down in Texas and spend a year being in his arms as often as possible. But in my head, I knew how dangerous that could be, because, ultimately, I knew if I did that, my marriage would most certainly end. But even knowing that, I had to know if there was still a chance for Sexy Man and I after three years of being apart.

Shortly after I found out Hubby would be leaving, I sent Sexy Man a text message telling him we needed to talk. I was very nervous about broaching this subject with him. Deep down, I knew this would be the ultimate test of our relationship - there was really only two ways it could go. 1) He would tell me that he wanted to be with me, in which case I would move down to Texas as soon as Hubby left, and we would both probably end up in divorce court eventually, or 2) It would force him to tell me it was over. As much as I dreaded the latter, I needed to know one way or another.

While I was on the phone with Sexy Man, we spent the first 20 minutes catching up on life in general. Eventually, he asked me what I needed to talk to him about. Taking a deep breath, and bracing myself for the worst, I began to tell him about Hubby leaving for a year. He, of course, asked me if that meant I was moving back to Texas, and he actually sounded hopeful about it. Then I told him that would depend on him. When he asked me what I meant, I said, "Baby, if I come back to Texas right now, it will be solely because I want to be with you." Then I told him, "I need to know if you are comfortable with that, and if you have any desire to pick up where we left off? If you don't, I need to know now." There was a long stretch of silence on the other end of the phone, and in that moment, I felt my heart being wrenched out of my chest.

I knew the probable outcome of this conversation before it ever took place. When I said I was bracing myself for the worst, I mean that to the fullest extent. His silence seemed to go on forever, and with each passing second, I knew when he finally spoke again it was going to hurt like hell. Then I hear him say, "Baby, you know I love you." All I could say was, "I know." Then there was another long pause, and he finally says, "I'm sorry." Trying desperately to choke back the tears, I said, "I was bracing myself for this." He said, "I just can't do this anymore. I do love you, but we will never be able to have the life we want together." I said, "I would have given anything to spend more time with you, even though we are married." Then he says again, "I do love you, and I never wanted to hurt you. I'm sorry." I told him, "I always felt like the love you had for me was very different than the way I felt about you, and I needed to know. Thank you for your honesty." Then I continued by saying, "I suppose this means it is time for me to finally disappear." To which he responds, "Please don't do that." I said, "What?" He says, "Please don't disappear. If you come down this way for a visit, I want to know, so that we can see each other - maybe go for a walk in the park, or have a drink, or something." I asked him if that meant he wanted to remain friends, and he said yes.

Can I simply remain friends with this man? I don't think my heart can take being that close to him without wanting to be physically connected with him as well. I don't think I can take walking in the park with him, without the usual hand-holding and snuggles. In short, I love this man too much to just be friends, but I agreed that we will remain friends none-the-less. With that, I told him I needed to go. I couldn't hold back the tears anymore, and I didn't want to sob in his ear. As we are saying goodbye, he says, "I love you. I'm sorry." All I could say was that I needed to go. I hung up from our call, and allowed myself only a moment to grieve. It wouldn't have been good to go home with my eyes all swollen and puffy, because I knew Hubby was waiting for me. I vowed that I would save the tears for a time when I would be alone and could fully grieve my loss undisturbed.

Since that day, I have tried not to think about Sexy Man. Today, however, I have cried over him while typing this. It hurts. But at the same time, I feel a strange sense of relief over it too. As much as I never wanted to lose him from my life, I needed that closure. I needed to hear him tell me he loved me, but I also need to know that he didn't want an intimate relationship with me anymore. I feel like I can finally move on with my life - almost.

You see, a while ago I started a scrapbook for Sexy Man about our time together. At the time, I also made a similar one for myself, so I have two of these scrapbooks. The last time I was in Texas, I wanted to give it to him, but things being what they were, I never even told him I was in town until the day before I left. We had a long conversation on my way out of town the next day, and he let me know how disappointed he was that we didn't get together. I regret not letting him know that I was there, but I think, at the time, it was for the best. But now, I still have this scrapbook that I want to give to him, because I made it for him, and honestly, I can't bring myself to throw it out. Anyway, since our recent conversation, I have decided I still want him to have it. I have plans to make a trip to Texas in a few months, so when I go down there, I will meet with him one last time to give him this scrapbook.

Am I crazy for wanting to do that? My head is screaming at me that I'm a lunatic for even allowing myself to see him again, and I'll probably make a complete ass out of myself when I hand him that book. Who knows if he'll even accept it. Personally, at this point, I don't care what he does with it after I hand it to him, as long as I place it in his hands. Then I can say I at least gave it to him... one last gift from my heart. Then I will say goodbye to him, and tell him that he will never hear from me again. Sounds kind of dramatic, doesn't it? Yeah, I think so too. I don't really want the drama - I already know I'm going to end up balling my eyes out in the process, probably in front of him, making an ass out of myself one final time. But deep within me, I know he really did love me at one time - enough so that he came close to leaving his wife for me - I want him to always remember that I loved him too. It also feels like its an appropriate way to bring closure to our relationship from my end. I need to be able to say, face to face, that it's over. So that's the plan. I won't be in touch with him until I have set my dates for the trip, and then I will plan to get together with him, even if it's only for a few minutes. I will hand him the book, and then walk away from him and get on with my life.

I am actually trying to get on with my life even now. It has been a long haul getting from point A to point B where Sexy Man is concerned. I have tried so hard to work on my marriage over the last three years, and it has been a tough road getting my marriage back to some semblance of stability. As much as I love Sexy Man, I also love Hubby, and I plan on continuing to work on my marriage. Being apart for yet another year is not going to be easy, but I know that I can never allow myself to have feelings for someone else the way I felt about Sexy Man. It is imperative to me that I am able to close off that part of my heart, unless it is for Hubby. I can only hope that Hubby and I can one day reach that point after all these years. *sighs* Which finally brings me back to our lifestyle, and the infamous Ladies Night...

Having been through what I went through with Sexy Man, and knowing in the end that I will remain with Hubby, I will continue with our sexscapades, because that is part of what makes our marriage work. I will get through this year, guarding my heart from ever falling for anyone else, and I will have fun doing it, damn it! lol I refuse to roll over and die - and let's face it, I love sex! If I can manage to find a playmate once or twice a month that can keep my appetite for sex satiated, then all the better for me! ;) While the cat's away, this little mousy is going to play, play, play!

xoxo