The Turning Tides, part 2

I’m not sure where to begin. So much has happened over the last few weeks since my last post. Maybe it is best to pick up where I left off, but you might want to grab yourself your favorite beverage of choice first – this is probably going to be a long one.

Ready? Okay, let’s see…

When I left off last, I was telling you about one of my evenings out and the incident with Beauty and Biker Dude. That’s the night I came home horny and Hubby unselfishly satisfied me without expecting anything in return for the first time in our relationship of 22 years. I’m still amazed at that. Anyway…

The next evening Hubby and I were lying around in bed, being intimate in a cuddly sort of way. I love moments like this with Hubby. We sit in bed in the dark, just touching each other, scratching each others backs, giving each other massages, and we talk. These moments don’t happen very often, but when they do the conversations we have are usually good ones that lead to open and honest discussions about anything that manages to come up. On this particular night the conversation turned to sex. (Go figure.)

Hubby made a comment about how horny I had been when I got home after being out with the girls the previous night, and he asked what got me so riled up. I told him that I have been really horny lately, and given that I am not allowed to have intercourse right now it only magnifies the situation. Then we proceeded to talk about how much I love sex, and how much I love to flirt, and I started telling him again about the biker dude I had been flirting with that night and what had happened.

Hubby always calls me his “bad girl”. He likes to hear the details of my flirting encounters when I’m out without him. As a matter of fact, when I go out without him, he usually sends me text messages via the cell phone, encouraging me to be sexy, show my cleavage, and flirt up a storm. (I got a lot of text messages like this when he and I spent that year apart.) Then when I recount the details to him later, he will tell me how much he loves his bad girl. And if we are physically together when I tell him the details, it usually leads to sex.

Well, this time it didn’t lead to any sex. When he called me his bad girl this time, I told him there were a few men I had met while he was gone that I’d like to have sex with. He handled this fine, like he always does. But then I decided that this might be the perfect opportunity to discuss our extra-marital sex situation, because it really has been a while since there has been anyone else, and given our relationship struggles the last year and half, it might be a good idea to clear the air and find out where we stand, so I decided to ask him how he felt about the whole thing. I started by asking him if he would like to have sex with other women. He answered with a resounding, “Of course!”

[Up until this point in our relationship, Hubby really hasn’t had too much sex with other women. Mostly it has been me with both women and men. Occasionally, he will join in on the fun, but for the most part, he just likes to watch or hear the details. Extra-curricular partners don’t happen too often either. I really need to get to know someone before I’ll have sex with them. There needs to be a definite attraction and comfort level between us before sex is even suggested. In short, there have been very few extra partners that have happened spur-of-the-moment, although they do happen occasionally.]

Well, when Hubby answered with such a solid “yes”, I basically told him he should go for it. Why should I be the only one to have all the fun, right? The only thing I asked was that he told me about it afterwards (I want steamy details *grins*), and that safety has to be top priority (in other words, he MUST wear a condom.) Then he tells me in a sarcastic sort of way that it will never happen because women aren’t attracted to him.

[Unfortunately, Hubby has self-esteem issues. I told him that he needs to put himself out there in that way if he is going to attract other women. The problem is that he neither dresses nor acts the part of a man who wants to attract women. This is actually a part of our problem in our marriage too, because he doesn’t seem to want to put in any effort to attract me either. I try to assure him on a regular basis that he is an attractive and sexy man, but he always looks at me like I’m full of shit. It is hard to boost someone’s ego when they have such a bad attitude about their own self-image. He is also a home-body, preferring to sit at home and chill with a few drinks playing on his computer, as opposed to going out to socialize and party. This is another problem in our marriage, because I LOVE to go out, and up until recently, I would stay home with him being the ‘dutiful wife’ which led to a severe case of depression on my part.]

Well, once again I tried to assure him that he is attractive and sexy, and once again he looks at me like I’m full of shit. Then he mentions how I have both men and women who are attracted to me, and he goes on to talk about our year apart, mentioning in a round-a-bout way how I was going out having all the fun while he was stuck in a basement the whole time. Then he asks me point blank, “How many times did you have sex with ‘Sexy Man’?”

DOH! This was not a conversation I was ready to have. Particularly because our 20th Wedding Anniversary was the next day, and I didn’t want to spoil the cuddly moment that Hubby and I were having at the time. But since he asked, I had to be honest, because I really hate lying to Hubby. Not to mention the fact that I didn’t want to hurt Hubby, because my relationship with Sexy Man went far beyond ‘just sex’, and until now, all Hubby knew was that Sexy Man and I had formed a close friendship and had slept together. I hadn’t divulged too much detail beyond that because I knew it would only hurt him. The last thing any husband wants to hear is that his wife fell in love with another man. But again, since he asked, I had to give him an answer.

Before telling Hubby the reality, I asked him if he was sure he really wanted to know? He said, “Yes.” I braced myself for the worst and I told Hubby that Sexy Man and I had sex more times than I can count, and that Sexy Man and I actually had a relationship. That’s all I said about it and, of course, it didn’t go over too well, as expected. Given Hubby’s reaction, I didn’t think it was a good idea to tell him any more than that, but Hubby’s upset reaction wasn’t because of what you would think.

Most men would be upset that their wife had sex with another man at all, let alone more times than can be counted, or that the relationship was more than just sex. But it wasn’t the fact that I had sex with Sexy Man that upset Hubby. It wasn’t even the fact that I had a “more than just sex” relationship with him, although I think Hubby is choosing to ignore that information. What Hubby got upset about was the fact that I hadn’t told him about how often I had sex with Sexy Man. And with this new information in hand, Hubby bounced off the bed upset, and headed down to the kitchen to fix himself a drink. Who could blame him, right? I’m thinking to myself, ‘the reality has just hit him – he has finally realized that I had a love-relationship with another man, and now the shit is really going to hit the fan.’

After listening to Hubby shuffle around downstairs for a few minutes, I finally hollered downstairs, “Are we going to finish this conversation, or are you just going to leave me sitting here??” With that, Hubby comes back to the bedroom and says, “I can’t believe everyone was out having a good time that whole year, while I was stuck in a basement all the time!” I said, “Whoa! Wait a minute. I wasn’t out ‘having a good time’ that whole year. I spent more than half that year feeling miserable and alone.” He then says sarcastically, “Yeah – yeah – I know – I wasn’t there for you ‘emotionally’.”

[Side note: Over a year ago I had told Hubby an even shorter version of my time with Sexy Man. At that time I also explained to him that I felt like he (Hubby) had pulled away from me mentally and emotionally, and how even with the miles between us, I still needed that emotional connection. I also tried to explain this to him during that year apart, BEFORE I had started seeing Sexy Man, but as always, Hubby hears only what he wants to hear, preferring to remain ignorant to the rest, because he’s too caught up in his own little world.]

Of course, his sarcasm pissed me off, and I told him, “That’s right. You WEREN’T there for me emotionally, and you seemed like you didn’t give a shit anymore, so I decided to start going out and having a life.” Then Hubby repeats himself and says, “Yeah. But while I’m ‘stuck in a basement’ that whole year, you’re out having sex with Sexy Man.” Once again I repeated myself, saying, “I wasn’t having sex that whole year with Sexy Man! I only started seeing him towards the end of January – and oh, by the way, if you are having problems with that, then maybe you should rethink this whole ‘open-marriage’ thing.”

I have to tell you, this is the first time in our relationship that Hubby has shown any signs of jealousy. I pointed this out and told him it was nice to know that he actually gave a shit. Then I said, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about how often I was having sex with Sexy Man. I can apologize until I’m blue in the face, and you can either accept my apology or not, but the fact is that it happened and I can’t change it.” At that point Hubby says, “It’s over and done with and it’s in the past.” Then he kisses me and the conversation is over.

Talk about dysfunctional relationships! The thing that gets me most about that whole conversation is while I’m feeling guilty about my relationship with Sexy Man, Hubby was caught up on being “stuck in a basement that whole year.” Here I am trying to be totally honest, and he’s feeling sorry for himself because of a basement – that’s total bullshit! While he WAS renting a room from a buddy of his during that time, and that room just happened to be in a basement, nobody “STUCK” him there. He could have gone out whenever he chose to. The fact that he CHOSE to hang out in said basement is no one’s fault but his. I should have pointed this out, but I didn’t. I also should have pointed out the conversation we had prior to his leaving for that year where we discussed extra-curricular sex, agreeing that we could see other people if we wanted to, but I didn’t point that out either.

When the conversation was over that night, all seemed peachy. We had pretty much said our peace, gotten some things out in the open, and moved on. Or so I thought. Afterwards, he headed to his office, and I headed to mine, until it was time to pick Son up from the airport. The next day, the shit hit the fan again.