For a long time now I have been toying with the idea of having a brazilian waxing done. For anyone unfamiliar with the term "brazilian waxing", basically it means the entire nether-region is cleaned up, removing ALL the hair in that area via the hot wax method. The other option is the infamous bikini waxing, where the hair is just pretty much cleaned up around the edges and trimmed down so that when you wear your bikini it doesn't look like you have a hay stack stuffed down your drawers.
Like I said, I have been thinking about having this done for a while now. Actually, one of my favorite girlfriends (you know who you are ;)) has this done, and I can say beyond a doubt that it has it's benefits. *wink-wink* When she told me about it, I started thinking maybe I'd like to have it done. Of course, I've been in the beauty industry for over 25 years, so it's not like I had never heard of it before. I've worked in salon's where this service is offered, but I never opted to have it done myself. I am such a wimp when it comes to pain of any kind, and the thought of someone ripping out my pubic hairs always made me cringe. At the same time I have always loved the "no hair down there" idea, so I would usually take care of it myself using a razor. The only problem with the razor method is that it doesn't take long before you are dealing with razor stubble and the new growth itch. And that's if you aren't already dealing with razor burns and possible nicks and cuts.
Well, a few days ago I grabbed my razor and started to do my usual shower ritual, when I started thinking about how often I heard that the waxing method makes the hair grow back softer, not to mention that when the hair is pulled out at the root, it takes longer to grow back. At that point, I set my razor down and decided that it was time for me to get the courage up to have this waxing process done.
So, yesterday morning I was laying in bed, and I got that first thing in the morning horny feeling, and reached down to start pleasuring myself when I felt the hair that I should have shaved off a few days before. Ugh! That's when I decided it would be "the day". The thought of having that baby smooth feeling actually made me more excited, so I buzzed my way to a smile, and then rolled out of bed and made an appointment for my first brazilian waxing. Lucky me, the girl who does my eyebrows also does the 'other' waxings, and she just happened to have an appointment open at 1:00. Good thing too, because I probably would have chickened out if she couldn't get me in that day, lol!
After making my appointment, I sat here drinking my coffee feeling excited about the prospect, as well as nervous. I still wasn't looking forward to the ripping action of this service, but I was determined to go through it anyway. The excitement and nervous feeling continued to build until it was time to head to the salon.
Finally it's 1 o'clock, and I find myself in a small private room that I am familiar with, since it is the same room I go into to have my eyebrows waxed. Then my stylist walks in and tells me to remove my pants and panties and crawl under the sheet laying there. She steps out of the room for a few minutes so that I can get situated, and as I'm lying there I'm thinking to myself, "am I really doing this?? Oh shit!" Then there's a knock on the door, and I hear her ask if I'm ready. Uh, no, not really, lol - but I tell her to come in, and thus begins the service.
She moves the sheet to the side, exposing the edges of my pubic area - this is an experience all it's own, because she's stroking the hair up and down, left and right, trying to get an idea of what direction the hair grows so she knows what direction to pull the hair out. Eek! If my brain hadn't been wrapped around the fact that this was going to hurt, her hair swirling touch might have been erotic. As it was, I knew this was not going to be pleasant, and I couldn't think of anything but, "oh shit, here it comes."
Next she pulls out the clippers. Apparently the hair needs to be shortened before the waxing, so she turns on her clippers, and with slow humming movements she starts to shorten and shape my bush. Again I am trying to think sexy thoughts here, and if truth be told, my stylist is really cute. But then she turns her back to me, and when she turns towards me again she's carrying a large tongue depresser oozing with wax all over it.
Hot wax on your body is not all together unpleasant. It's not really hot - more like really warm, which is another interesting experience. But I am so bracing myself at this point that kinky thoughts totally elude me. Then she grabs a large strip of fabric, lays it over the hot wax, rubbing her fingers over it to get the wax to stick while it cools, and then R-I-P!
HOLY SHIT!!!!
Have you ever seen a picture of a cat hanging from a ceiling by it's claws, with that wild -hair wild-eyed look? Uh - yes - that was me yesterday.
For 30 minutes I lay there, feeling the yummy buzz of her clippers trim down the hair, teasing me with her soft swirling touch, only to be brutalized by her hot wax. Ladies and gentlemen, we're talking S & M at it's best! Why, oh why, do we women subject ourselves to this torture??
On a side note, somewhere through this whole process the sheet that was initially covering me ended up on the floor. This is not a service where shyness is a factor. I went from laying there half covered, to laying there totally and completely exposed, with my legs spread wide open while my stylist worked. What's amazing is how professional the stylist was through the whole thing. I guess in her eyes, "you've seen one, you've seen 'em all!" And, of course, I'm really not shy, so it didn't bother me in the least either.
When it was all over my skin was red and extremely tender to the touch. I lay there for a minute wondering why I put myself through that. Then she hands me a mirror, and says, "Take a look." Oh my! Pretty! Then I reached down to touch it, and OH MY!! It was SO SOFT! Nothing, and I mean NOTHING like when I have used my razor!
Afterwards when I was on my way home, I couldn't help getting excited about showing my new bareness to Hubby. And I have to say, there is a whole different sensitivity to that area, even with the soreness I was experiencing from the whole ordeal. By the time I got home I was wet and ripe and ready to jump Hubby's bones. And when I showed him my new look and feel, I must say, he got quite hard - uh, I mean, enthusiastic! hehe
As of today - 24 hours after this experience, I am still a little red and tender. Would I do it again? ABSOLUTELY!! I've already made my next appointment! :) While the pain is really not pleasant by any means, I have decided the pain is well worth the pleasure to follow.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Monday, January 22, 2007
The Turning Tides, part 5
*Special Note: I wrote these last four posts off-line while I was at work. It ended up being one really long post, so I have posted it as four separate posts, breaking up “The Turning Tides” to make reading easier. If you want to get the full scoop, start with “The Turning Tides, part 1”.
The tides in my life just keep turning and churning. I am so ready for calm waters.
Since our anniversary, things have continued to ride somewhat like a rollercoaster. For the most part things have gotten better, but there is a lot of work yet to be done in the relationship department. There are a lot of things I am trying to figure out and understand about my relationship with Hubby, and I am trying really hard to decide what is acceptable and what is not. Goddess, give me strength.
The week after our anniversary, between Christmas and New Year’s, there really wasn’t much going on. I worked on both Christmas Day and New Year’s Day, so I spent my days off trying to spend time with Son while Hubby worked. Then in the evenings, we would have dinner together and sit around watching TV. For the most part I can safely say our holidays this year were pretty uneventful. We didn’t have the normal Christmas dinner. We didn’t even give each other gifts this year. Since I had to work both holiday weekends, planning anything holiday-ish was difficult. As far as gifts were concerned, we decided rather than give each other gifts this year we would take each other shopping after the New Year.
As for New Year’s Eve, Hubby and I had decided a few weeks prior that we would stay home that night because Son was home and he’s not old enough to go bar hopping yet. I had worked on New Year’s Eve day, and when I got home I was in a fairly good mood, albeit a little tired, and I actually felt like going out for New Year’s instead of staying home. When I suggested going out, Hubby gave me “that look” that said, “but we agreed.” Ugh! So I headed to the bedroom and took a nap. When I got up from my nap, I was feeling very revived, and once again I suggested to Hubby that we go out for New Year’s Eve. It’s not that I didn’t want to ring in the New Year with Son, but I also hate sitting at home on New Year’s Eve and as it was, because of my job, I already felt like my holidays were stolen from me this year. I have this silly notion that how I ring in the New Year will be an indication of how I will spend the rest of the year, and I much prefer to spend my year enjoying life, especially after this past year and a half.
When I had suggested again that we go out that night, Hubby once again gave me “that look”. I know we agreed, but I was really, really tempted to go out without him - but rather than start my New Year’s off with an argument, I quietly conceded and stayed home. This is the kind of stuff I tend to do, giving up my good time to make everyone else happy, and I have to say that it’s getting extremely old and am really beginning to resent it.
In the end, on New Year’s Eve I was in bed by 10:30 and asleep by 11:00. What a drag. Hubby came up at midnight and gave me a New Year’s kiss which I only vaguely remember. The next morning I got up and went to work like a good girl, and through the course of the day I made the decision that I’ll be damned if I’m going to spend another year sitting at home to make Hubby happy, so come Wednesday night – Ladies night – I was going out, even if I had to go out alone.
Then Wednesday rolls around, and in the evening I announced that I was going out. I asked Hubby if he would like to join me. He didn’t seem too thrilled with the idea, but he didn’t say no. I repeated that I would really like to go out and that he was more than welcome to join me, and then I headed to the shower to get ready.
After my shower I was in the bedroom getting dressed, and Hubby was in his usual spot at his desk in his office, and I asked him if he planned on coming with me. He comes upstairs and sits on the edge of the bed next to me and tells me that he thinks I should go out and enjoy ladies night, and that he’s afraid if he goes with me he’ll “cramp my style”. What?? I told him how ridiculous that was. He says he’s been told by “other people” that he’s a buzz-kill. I said, “Yes, it’s true that my nights out with you are different than when I go out alone. The evenings always tend to be much more low-key, and no one ever asks me to dance when you’re there [Hubby doesn’t dance], but that doesn’t mean I don’t want you going out with me.” He said he didn’t understand it, but that he knows I enjoy going out and having fun, so he’s going to stay home so that I can flirt and dance and do whatever it is I do when I go out alone.” At that point I told him okay, but that he doesn’t need an invitation to go out with me – he can feel free to join me any time.
After the conversation with Hubby, I called Beauty to see if she planned on going out that night, and she said she had to be to work at 9:00 pm, and that I could catch a ride back and forth with her if I wanted to. I agreed, and went out that night pretty much alone, except for the ride with Beauty. I sat there in the country bar by myself that night and got drunk as a skunk while listening to the band. The only ‘fun’ I had that night was that Beauty was also my waitress, and she’d come over and talk to me every-so-often when she had a free minute. Then she and I went out to breakfast afterwards, and we went home. At least the band was descent that night.
The following week I decided to go out again on Tuesday night with Beauty. She didn’t have to work that night, and she didn’t feel like drinking, so she drove and I drank. When we got to the country bar that night we expected to see a band that Beauty had been waiting for to come back into town. Apparently she has a major crush on one of the band members, so she and I got all dressed up with cowboy hats and whatnot, both of us looking pretty damn good, if I do say so myself. But when we got to the bar we found out that the band had cancelled for one reason or another, and Beauty’s mood took a nose-dive. She was very bummed out about the band not being there, and there was hardly anyone there because there was no band, so the bar was pretty much dead, for lack of a better word. We sat there for about an hour or so and both of us ended up having a few drinks, then we went to McDonald’s to get something to eat and we headed home after that.
The next day, Wednesday, Hubby, Son, and I went to the mall to do our family after-Christmas shop.
[Between New Year’s and Wednesday, things had been okay between Hubby and me. I had pretty much gotten over the whole anniversary ordeal, and given up on the ring I wanted. I was willing to try to keep moving forward, a day at a time, with the hope that things would start showing some improvement.]
While Hubby, Son and I were driving to the mall that day, Hubby and Son start telling me that they had gone to the mall over the weekend while I was working and they found a ring for me. This put a smile on my face, of course! Then they started to describe the ring; one carat marquee with a yellow gold band. Okay, I’m not looking a gift horse in the mouth, but this is just how much Hubby pays attention to detail. Then they popped the price on me, and I put a halt on the whole ring thing. I said, “Thanks you guys! Really! But do you mind if I show you the ring I found that I like??”
We’ll start with the fact that I wear silver, not gold. And while a one-carat diamond is nothing to sneeze at, I had said more than once that I only wanted a half-carat because I think a whole-carat would look too gaudy on me. So when we got inside the mall, I took them to the jewelry store and showed them the ring I wanted. It’s a beautiful half-carat marquee with baguette diamonds on either side in a white gold setting. When they saw it they both agreed that it was a much prettier ring, and low and behold, it was HALF the price of the one they picked out. Hubby bought the ring for me on the spot.
I am now walking around with $1,000 worth of diamonds on my hand. Am I happy about it? Damn straight I am! It’s a beautiful ring! But I also have mixed feelings about it. In one respect it feels really good to have a ring on my finger again – and I’m tickled that Hubby finally got me the ring I wanted after ten years of telling him how much I’d like to have it. I also think I deserved this ring, which might sound really bitchy to some, but it’s the only piece of jewelry I’ve ever asked for, and I have done my fair share for Hubby over the years. I’m worth every sparkle, damn it! One piece of ‘bling-bling’ to show off is a small price for everything I’ve given up and given to my family. Plus, I don’t think Hubby realizes that when I show off this ring, it puts him a good light in other people’s eyes - Lol! Anyway, then there’s the flip side. And that is that Hubby felt so guilty about our anniversary that he decided to buy me the ring because of that. I was really hoping he would buy it because he wanted to – not because he felt guilty. There’s a huge difference between a gift given out of guilt and a gift given from the heart. Just once I would like Hubby to buy me a special gift from the heart – because he wanted to, not because I wanted it. I don’t know if that makes any sense to you, but it makes perfect sense to me.
Well, there you have it. The holidays are over. Son has left to go back to school and sadly, unless Hubby and I can figure out a way to go visit him, it may be a year before I see my son again. Now that Son is gone, the house has gotten quiet again, which makes me sad too. It’s like there is no life in this house when he’s not here. :(
As for Hubby and me, we can only take things a day at a time. So far there have been no more major issues that have cropped up, I’m loving my new ring, and Hubby seems to be making an effort to focus more on our relationship, which to me means spending quality time together when we are together, rather than hanging out in our respective offices all the time when we are home together. I actually insisted we go out together last Friday night, and while the night was low-key as expected, we enjoyed our night out listening to the band and having a few drinks. I even got Hubby out on the dance floor and tried to teach him the Texas two-step. He has two left feet and dances like a stiff board, but I’ll take that over nothing at all. :)
Oh! Here’s the best news of all – which probably deserves its own separate post, but: I went to the doctor last Thursday for my follow-up appointment, and after four very long months I am allowed to have intercourse again! Thank the Love Gods!! The doc told me there is still a chance that I may end up having to have another surgery if my incision site opens up again, but so far I think things are okay down in the nether-region. I won’t know for sure until I go for my last follow-up appointment in three months, but the dr. said if there are problems Hubby will know it before I do, so we’re having sex again with caution and having to pay close attention to how things feel. And may I just say - the first time after four months hurt like hell! But since then, things have gotten more pleasurable, so I think I’m finally on the road to a love life again! YAY! :)
Now here’s the catch – Hubby has stated that he thinks I should go out on Ladies Night’s without him. He says he wants me to be able to flirt and “enjoy myself”. There are a few men out there who have been waiting for the moment when I am able to have sex again. Eeekk! What have I gotten myself into??? Time will tell…
The tides in my life just keep turning and churning. I am so ready for calm waters.
Since our anniversary, things have continued to ride somewhat like a rollercoaster. For the most part things have gotten better, but there is a lot of work yet to be done in the relationship department. There are a lot of things I am trying to figure out and understand about my relationship with Hubby, and I am trying really hard to decide what is acceptable and what is not. Goddess, give me strength.
The week after our anniversary, between Christmas and New Year’s, there really wasn’t much going on. I worked on both Christmas Day and New Year’s Day, so I spent my days off trying to spend time with Son while Hubby worked. Then in the evenings, we would have dinner together and sit around watching TV. For the most part I can safely say our holidays this year were pretty uneventful. We didn’t have the normal Christmas dinner. We didn’t even give each other gifts this year. Since I had to work both holiday weekends, planning anything holiday-ish was difficult. As far as gifts were concerned, we decided rather than give each other gifts this year we would take each other shopping after the New Year.
As for New Year’s Eve, Hubby and I had decided a few weeks prior that we would stay home that night because Son was home and he’s not old enough to go bar hopping yet. I had worked on New Year’s Eve day, and when I got home I was in a fairly good mood, albeit a little tired, and I actually felt like going out for New Year’s instead of staying home. When I suggested going out, Hubby gave me “that look” that said, “but we agreed.” Ugh! So I headed to the bedroom and took a nap. When I got up from my nap, I was feeling very revived, and once again I suggested to Hubby that we go out for New Year’s Eve. It’s not that I didn’t want to ring in the New Year with Son, but I also hate sitting at home on New Year’s Eve and as it was, because of my job, I already felt like my holidays were stolen from me this year. I have this silly notion that how I ring in the New Year will be an indication of how I will spend the rest of the year, and I much prefer to spend my year enjoying life, especially after this past year and a half.
When I had suggested again that we go out that night, Hubby once again gave me “that look”. I know we agreed, but I was really, really tempted to go out without him - but rather than start my New Year’s off with an argument, I quietly conceded and stayed home. This is the kind of stuff I tend to do, giving up my good time to make everyone else happy, and I have to say that it’s getting extremely old and am really beginning to resent it.
In the end, on New Year’s Eve I was in bed by 10:30 and asleep by 11:00. What a drag. Hubby came up at midnight and gave me a New Year’s kiss which I only vaguely remember. The next morning I got up and went to work like a good girl, and through the course of the day I made the decision that I’ll be damned if I’m going to spend another year sitting at home to make Hubby happy, so come Wednesday night – Ladies night – I was going out, even if I had to go out alone.
Then Wednesday rolls around, and in the evening I announced that I was going out. I asked Hubby if he would like to join me. He didn’t seem too thrilled with the idea, but he didn’t say no. I repeated that I would really like to go out and that he was more than welcome to join me, and then I headed to the shower to get ready.
After my shower I was in the bedroom getting dressed, and Hubby was in his usual spot at his desk in his office, and I asked him if he planned on coming with me. He comes upstairs and sits on the edge of the bed next to me and tells me that he thinks I should go out and enjoy ladies night, and that he’s afraid if he goes with me he’ll “cramp my style”. What?? I told him how ridiculous that was. He says he’s been told by “other people” that he’s a buzz-kill. I said, “Yes, it’s true that my nights out with you are different than when I go out alone. The evenings always tend to be much more low-key, and no one ever asks me to dance when you’re there [Hubby doesn’t dance], but that doesn’t mean I don’t want you going out with me.” He said he didn’t understand it, but that he knows I enjoy going out and having fun, so he’s going to stay home so that I can flirt and dance and do whatever it is I do when I go out alone.” At that point I told him okay, but that he doesn’t need an invitation to go out with me – he can feel free to join me any time.
After the conversation with Hubby, I called Beauty to see if she planned on going out that night, and she said she had to be to work at 9:00 pm, and that I could catch a ride back and forth with her if I wanted to. I agreed, and went out that night pretty much alone, except for the ride with Beauty. I sat there in the country bar by myself that night and got drunk as a skunk while listening to the band. The only ‘fun’ I had that night was that Beauty was also my waitress, and she’d come over and talk to me every-so-often when she had a free minute. Then she and I went out to breakfast afterwards, and we went home. At least the band was descent that night.
The following week I decided to go out again on Tuesday night with Beauty. She didn’t have to work that night, and she didn’t feel like drinking, so she drove and I drank. When we got to the country bar that night we expected to see a band that Beauty had been waiting for to come back into town. Apparently she has a major crush on one of the band members, so she and I got all dressed up with cowboy hats and whatnot, both of us looking pretty damn good, if I do say so myself. But when we got to the bar we found out that the band had cancelled for one reason or another, and Beauty’s mood took a nose-dive. She was very bummed out about the band not being there, and there was hardly anyone there because there was no band, so the bar was pretty much dead, for lack of a better word. We sat there for about an hour or so and both of us ended up having a few drinks, then we went to McDonald’s to get something to eat and we headed home after that.
The next day, Wednesday, Hubby, Son, and I went to the mall to do our family after-Christmas shop.
[Between New Year’s and Wednesday, things had been okay between Hubby and me. I had pretty much gotten over the whole anniversary ordeal, and given up on the ring I wanted. I was willing to try to keep moving forward, a day at a time, with the hope that things would start showing some improvement.]
While Hubby, Son and I were driving to the mall that day, Hubby and Son start telling me that they had gone to the mall over the weekend while I was working and they found a ring for me. This put a smile on my face, of course! Then they started to describe the ring; one carat marquee with a yellow gold band. Okay, I’m not looking a gift horse in the mouth, but this is just how much Hubby pays attention to detail. Then they popped the price on me, and I put a halt on the whole ring thing. I said, “Thanks you guys! Really! But do you mind if I show you the ring I found that I like??”
We’ll start with the fact that I wear silver, not gold. And while a one-carat diamond is nothing to sneeze at, I had said more than once that I only wanted a half-carat because I think a whole-carat would look too gaudy on me. So when we got inside the mall, I took them to the jewelry store and showed them the ring I wanted. It’s a beautiful half-carat marquee with baguette diamonds on either side in a white gold setting. When they saw it they both agreed that it was a much prettier ring, and low and behold, it was HALF the price of the one they picked out. Hubby bought the ring for me on the spot.
I am now walking around with $1,000 worth of diamonds on my hand. Am I happy about it? Damn straight I am! It’s a beautiful ring! But I also have mixed feelings about it. In one respect it feels really good to have a ring on my finger again – and I’m tickled that Hubby finally got me the ring I wanted after ten years of telling him how much I’d like to have it. I also think I deserved this ring, which might sound really bitchy to some, but it’s the only piece of jewelry I’ve ever asked for, and I have done my fair share for Hubby over the years. I’m worth every sparkle, damn it! One piece of ‘bling-bling’ to show off is a small price for everything I’ve given up and given to my family. Plus, I don’t think Hubby realizes that when I show off this ring, it puts him a good light in other people’s eyes - Lol! Anyway, then there’s the flip side. And that is that Hubby felt so guilty about our anniversary that he decided to buy me the ring because of that. I was really hoping he would buy it because he wanted to – not because he felt guilty. There’s a huge difference between a gift given out of guilt and a gift given from the heart. Just once I would like Hubby to buy me a special gift from the heart – because he wanted to, not because I wanted it. I don’t know if that makes any sense to you, but it makes perfect sense to me.
Well, there you have it. The holidays are over. Son has left to go back to school and sadly, unless Hubby and I can figure out a way to go visit him, it may be a year before I see my son again. Now that Son is gone, the house has gotten quiet again, which makes me sad too. It’s like there is no life in this house when he’s not here. :(
As for Hubby and me, we can only take things a day at a time. So far there have been no more major issues that have cropped up, I’m loving my new ring, and Hubby seems to be making an effort to focus more on our relationship, which to me means spending quality time together when we are together, rather than hanging out in our respective offices all the time when we are home together. I actually insisted we go out together last Friday night, and while the night was low-key as expected, we enjoyed our night out listening to the band and having a few drinks. I even got Hubby out on the dance floor and tried to teach him the Texas two-step. He has two left feet and dances like a stiff board, but I’ll take that over nothing at all. :)
Oh! Here’s the best news of all – which probably deserves its own separate post, but: I went to the doctor last Thursday for my follow-up appointment, and after four very long months I am allowed to have intercourse again! Thank the Love Gods!! The doc told me there is still a chance that I may end up having to have another surgery if my incision site opens up again, but so far I think things are okay down in the nether-region. I won’t know for sure until I go for my last follow-up appointment in three months, but the dr. said if there are problems Hubby will know it before I do, so we’re having sex again with caution and having to pay close attention to how things feel. And may I just say - the first time after four months hurt like hell! But since then, things have gotten more pleasurable, so I think I’m finally on the road to a love life again! YAY! :)
Now here’s the catch – Hubby has stated that he thinks I should go out on Ladies Night’s without him. He says he wants me to be able to flirt and “enjoy myself”. There are a few men out there who have been waiting for the moment when I am able to have sex again. Eeekk! What have I gotten myself into??? Time will tell…
The Turning Tides, part 4
After such a heart breaking anniversary, the next few days were difficult for me. I tried really hard to forgive Hubby for not getting me anything for our anniversary. I could have even forgiven him for not getting me the diamond ring I wanted, because it was expensive and a purchase like that is not a life necessity. What I had a hard time forgiving was that he didn’t even so much as buy me a card to mark the occasion, in addition to making me feel like shit for getting him something. It doesn’t help that Son knew something was up, and asked me what was wrong. I asked him if Dad showed him the ring I bought him, and he said yes. I said, “Dad didn’t even buy me a card.” Then Son says, “You really wanted that ring, didn’t you?” I told him yes, then he tells me the day we were at the mall, when I went into that jewelry store and started looking at rings, Hubby said, “What is she going in THERE for?”
OMG! Well, at least my 19 year old was raised to be observant, even if Hubby isn’t. I think Son will be a wonderful husband someday.
I tried really hard to get over the anniversary, but it kept looming in the back of my mind. I kept thinking, “Why am I the only one to care about such a special occasion? Does it really not matter to him? Do I not matter to him? Is this his way of saying he doesn’t care about our marriage?” I am so confused and frustrated about our life together that I can’t think straight sometimes. I am having such a hard time trying to decide whether or not I should give up after all this time, but here I sit, still trying, and I keep wondering - why I am putting myself through this?
When I was down in Texas, I found the greatest happiness I have ever known. On the flip side of that, I am currently experiencing the greatest sadness I have ever known in my life with Hubby. I have tried so damn hard to make things work between us, giving up my social life for him – giving up everything that makes me happy – for him - and I am starting to feel like it has all been for nothing. He doesn’t seem to appreciate what I have given up for him – what I have given up for the sake of our marriage.
I’m not saying I’m perfect - far, far from it. Everyone has their faults, and I have more than my share. But I am also a very giving person, and I will bend over backwards for the people I love. I don’t think it’s too much to ask to want to find some happiness in my life or at the very least, to feel appreciated even in the slightest sense. I am tired of feeling like my existence doesn’t matter, or that the good things I contribute to our life together don’t matter. This crappy anniversary situation has only added to my frustration.
What really gets me is that I tried really hard not to lay blame on Hubby after the anniversary fiasco. Where any sane woman would have gone off the deep end and given their husbands a serious boat load of shit for what happened, I kept it to myself, never once telling him how much it hurt, when deep down I was beyond hurt. But still for the next few days, I tried to put a smile on my face and let it go.
The days following our anniversary, Hubby tried getting cuddly with me. I would let him hug me and kiss me, and I tried to be receptive to it. This went on until Christmas Eve - Hubby and I found ourselves alone in our bedroom for a few minutes. He started getting cuddly with me again, only this time he wanted to get more than cuddly. He started kissing me – I allowed him to undress me, and then he laid me down on the bed. Then he tells me that he really loves me. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I said, “If you really love me, then why didn’t you at least buy me a card for our anniversary?” [Up to this point I have never verbally mentioned the diamond ring.] He gets up and says sarcastically, trying to sound cute, “Well, I guess I don’t love you that much.” Wrong answer!
I lost it. The tears started to flow, and I let out all my frustration. I told him how I felt like he didn’t give a shit. I told him how I was tired of having no life, and feeling like my efforts don’t matter. I said I was tired of feeling like the only thing I was good for was taking care of the finances and sex when he wanted it. I shared with him how I couldn’t handle feeling so alone anymore, and how I seriously thought about killing myself the week after he left, with the only thing stopping me being that I was afraid of how long it would take before someone found my body, because that’s how alone I am. With that news he looked at me with a sad look in his eyes and asked if I wanted him to make me an appointment with the mental health clinic because he knew I was serious. I told him no, that what I wanted was for him to start making me feel like my life matters to HIM. Then I proceeded to tell him about how hurt I was that he didn’t get me the ring for our anniversary. His comment to that was that he didn’t know, and why didn’t I say something? O-M-G!
[Side note: I found out later that he asked Son if he knew I wanted that ring. When Son told him that he knew, Hubby asked him why he hadn’t said anything - Son said, “Dad, I didn’t think I should have to tell you.” Have I told you what a great son I have?? It’s pretty sad when a 19 year old child gets it, while the 42 year old adult is totally clueless.]
I’m already an emotional disaster at this point, in hysterical tears, and that comment took me over the edge. I told him that he better start making me feel like I am worth diamonds and roses or I’m leaving him. [There is a story about roses that I will share with you later, but the short version is that I have never been given a dozen roses (until my 41st birthday), and I have started to feel like maybe I’m not worth things like diamonds and roses.] I also told him that I am a social person, and I can’t take sitting at home and being miserable anymore – I need to start going out and having some fun, and whether he wants to join me in that or not is his choice, but I will start going out on a regular basis to maintain my sanity (in a literal sense.) Then I said, "It's pretty sad that I have to go out and flirt with other people just to feel alive." Then he says, “Thank you for choosing to stay with me.” I said, “You need to understand, staying with you IS a choice. If things don’t start to change and soon, I will choose to leave.” And with that, I went on to tell him that I’m tired of taking the back seat to his career. I told him that he is so self-involved in his own little world that he fails to acknowledge our life as a couple, and that he needs to realize that his job is just a job. When it comes time to retire, he won’t have the job anymore and the only thing he’ll have left is the two of us and our life together- and if he doesn’t get his act together, he won’t have me anymore either.
Hubby and I have talked more than once about my moving back down to Texas without him, but during those conversations it has always been on the premise that I would move down there and wait for him. This is the first time ever in our relationship that I have threatened to leave him with the intention of divorce. And this is the last time I will mention it. Next time I will pack up my belongings and head to a lawyer. After a year and a half of struggling so hard to make things work between us, I have finally reached my breaking point. Now it’s up to Hubby.
OMG! Well, at least my 19 year old was raised to be observant, even if Hubby isn’t. I think Son will be a wonderful husband someday.
I tried really hard to get over the anniversary, but it kept looming in the back of my mind. I kept thinking, “Why am I the only one to care about such a special occasion? Does it really not matter to him? Do I not matter to him? Is this his way of saying he doesn’t care about our marriage?” I am so confused and frustrated about our life together that I can’t think straight sometimes. I am having such a hard time trying to decide whether or not I should give up after all this time, but here I sit, still trying, and I keep wondering - why I am putting myself through this?
When I was down in Texas, I found the greatest happiness I have ever known. On the flip side of that, I am currently experiencing the greatest sadness I have ever known in my life with Hubby. I have tried so damn hard to make things work between us, giving up my social life for him – giving up everything that makes me happy – for him - and I am starting to feel like it has all been for nothing. He doesn’t seem to appreciate what I have given up for him – what I have given up for the sake of our marriage.
I’m not saying I’m perfect - far, far from it. Everyone has their faults, and I have more than my share. But I am also a very giving person, and I will bend over backwards for the people I love. I don’t think it’s too much to ask to want to find some happiness in my life or at the very least, to feel appreciated even in the slightest sense. I am tired of feeling like my existence doesn’t matter, or that the good things I contribute to our life together don’t matter. This crappy anniversary situation has only added to my frustration.
What really gets me is that I tried really hard not to lay blame on Hubby after the anniversary fiasco. Where any sane woman would have gone off the deep end and given their husbands a serious boat load of shit for what happened, I kept it to myself, never once telling him how much it hurt, when deep down I was beyond hurt. But still for the next few days, I tried to put a smile on my face and let it go.
The days following our anniversary, Hubby tried getting cuddly with me. I would let him hug me and kiss me, and I tried to be receptive to it. This went on until Christmas Eve - Hubby and I found ourselves alone in our bedroom for a few minutes. He started getting cuddly with me again, only this time he wanted to get more than cuddly. He started kissing me – I allowed him to undress me, and then he laid me down on the bed. Then he tells me that he really loves me. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I said, “If you really love me, then why didn’t you at least buy me a card for our anniversary?” [Up to this point I have never verbally mentioned the diamond ring.] He gets up and says sarcastically, trying to sound cute, “Well, I guess I don’t love you that much.” Wrong answer!
I lost it. The tears started to flow, and I let out all my frustration. I told him how I felt like he didn’t give a shit. I told him how I was tired of having no life, and feeling like my efforts don’t matter. I said I was tired of feeling like the only thing I was good for was taking care of the finances and sex when he wanted it. I shared with him how I couldn’t handle feeling so alone anymore, and how I seriously thought about killing myself the week after he left, with the only thing stopping me being that I was afraid of how long it would take before someone found my body, because that’s how alone I am. With that news he looked at me with a sad look in his eyes and asked if I wanted him to make me an appointment with the mental health clinic because he knew I was serious. I told him no, that what I wanted was for him to start making me feel like my life matters to HIM. Then I proceeded to tell him about how hurt I was that he didn’t get me the ring for our anniversary. His comment to that was that he didn’t know, and why didn’t I say something? O-M-G!
[Side note: I found out later that he asked Son if he knew I wanted that ring. When Son told him that he knew, Hubby asked him why he hadn’t said anything - Son said, “Dad, I didn’t think I should have to tell you.” Have I told you what a great son I have?? It’s pretty sad when a 19 year old child gets it, while the 42 year old adult is totally clueless.]
I’m already an emotional disaster at this point, in hysterical tears, and that comment took me over the edge. I told him that he better start making me feel like I am worth diamonds and roses or I’m leaving him. [There is a story about roses that I will share with you later, but the short version is that I have never been given a dozen roses (until my 41st birthday), and I have started to feel like maybe I’m not worth things like diamonds and roses.] I also told him that I am a social person, and I can’t take sitting at home and being miserable anymore – I need to start going out and having some fun, and whether he wants to join me in that or not is his choice, but I will start going out on a regular basis to maintain my sanity (in a literal sense.) Then I said, "It's pretty sad that I have to go out and flirt with other people just to feel alive." Then he says, “Thank you for choosing to stay with me.” I said, “You need to understand, staying with you IS a choice. If things don’t start to change and soon, I will choose to leave.” And with that, I went on to tell him that I’m tired of taking the back seat to his career. I told him that he is so self-involved in his own little world that he fails to acknowledge our life as a couple, and that he needs to realize that his job is just a job. When it comes time to retire, he won’t have the job anymore and the only thing he’ll have left is the two of us and our life together- and if he doesn’t get his act together, he won’t have me anymore either.
Hubby and I have talked more than once about my moving back down to Texas without him, but during those conversations it has always been on the premise that I would move down there and wait for him. This is the first time ever in our relationship that I have threatened to leave him with the intention of divorce. And this is the last time I will mention it. Next time I will pack up my belongings and head to a lawyer. After a year and a half of struggling so hard to make things work between us, I have finally reached my breaking point. Now it’s up to Hubby.
The Turning Tides, part 3
The day after Son came home was a very special day. Not only was Christmas a few days away, AND Son was home, but it was also our 20th Wedding Anniversary. Now, I don’t know about you, but to me a 20th Wedding Anniversary is a big deal. These days divorce is so common that to see a couple reach 20 years of marriage together is almost amazing. Don’t you think? I do. But apparently, I was the only one in this particular couple who thought it was worthy of being special.
For the last few months I had been mentioning to Hubby how I can’t believe we were getting ready to have our 20th Anniversary – how it was such a major milestone in our life together. And for the last several weeks I had been asking him what he thought we should do to celebrate. He never really gave me an answer, so after he came home from his trip I suggested that we go out to this fancy restaurant in town for a romantic dinner for two, and then go to the country bar afterwards for dancing and drinks. I really wanted to make this a special anniversary, for a few reasons: One, because it WAS a major milestone; Two, because our relationship has been rocky this last year and half, to say the least, and I haven’t been so sure we would make it to 20 years; and Three, because I really do love Hubby, and I wanted him to know that. In addition to my wanting to make it special for him, I thought for sure he would want to do the same for me. I had been trying all along to let him know how important this anniversary was to me too. I was also getting very excited about this particular anniversary, because for the last 10 years I have been telling Hubby that I would like a marquee diamond ring, and I had been throwing hints around like a mad woman that our 20th Anniversary would be the perfect time to get me one.
Please don’t think I’m petty. I really am not. In the twenty years that Hubby and I have been together, he has never once bought me a piece of jewelry, except for my engagement ring and wedding band, which he and I picked out and paid for together. Back in our early years we really didn’t have much money, and between my wedding and engagement rings and his wedding band, we only spent $250.00, so you can imagine how small the diamond in my engagement ring was. And I have to be honest and tell you that I have been a bit envious all these years seeing my friends walking around with these beautiful diamond rings on their fingers that their husbands have been so thoughtful and loving to buy for their wives. I have always imagined how special these wives must feel to receive such a beautiful gift, and how romantic the moments must have been when their husbands gave them to them. Meanwhile, I’m walking around with this small diamond, which I might add I have worn proudly all these years, only taking my rings off my hand maybe five or six times in 19 years.
Now is probably a good time to tell you a side-line story to all of this...While I have proudly worn my wedding ring all these years, Hubby hasn’t worn his wedding ring in over 18 years . See, Hubby works on airplanes doing aircraft maintenance. Because of the type of work he has been doing, jewelry isn’t allowed because it can be a serious hazard. I have accepted this all these years because I didn’t have a choice, even though that ring meant much more to me than just being a piece of jewelry. He could have worn his ring when he wasn’t working, but he never put it on then either. I could have bitched about this, and I did for a while, but eventually I gave up because I got tired of fighting about it.
Over the years Hubby has also put on weight, so eventually it got to the point where his ring didn’t even fit him anymore. But through it all, we always knew where his wedding ring was. It has always sat on his desk, being held by a Mickey Mouse figurine. And we always knew where my ring was too – on my hand.
Well, last June I had to go into the hospital for shoulder surgery. If you have ever had surgery, you know that they ask you to take off your jewelry before hand, so I had to take off my rings. I also knew at the time that I would be having another surgery in a few months, and I have also put on weight over the years, so getting my rings on and off was a little difficult. After the shoulder surgery, I had swelling in my left arm for a while too, so I couldn’t put my rings back on right away. Then one evening Hubby and I were driving down the road, and I commented that I thought it might be a good idea to wait to put my rings on again until after the next surgery so I wouldn’t have to fight with getting them on and off again. When I said that, I was waiting for Hubby’s reaction to see if maybe he would have a problem with that. After a few minutes I realized it didn’t faze Hubby in the least, which actually bothered ME. Go figure. Given his lack of reaction and the fact that I was bothered by it, and given the fact that at this point in his career he worked in an office now and the flight-line was history for him, I suggested that maybe we should get his ring resized so he could start wearing his again. Instead of agreeing, Hubby says, “Geez – I don’t even know what hand it goes on anymore.” It would have been funny if he hadn’t been completely serious when he said it.
Hubby’s comment really upset me, so I said, “When you remember and start wearing your ring again, I’ll put my rings back on and we can be married again.” He actually had the audacity to laugh at that. That’s when I decided that I really wasn’t going to wear my rings again until he started wearing his.
I made it through the next surgery, all the while missing my rings and wondering if he would ever care that I wasn’t wearing them anymore. He never so much as commented on it. Then I found out that I needed yet another surgery, and still I hadn’t put my rings back on, and still I missed them, and still he never commented on them not being on my hand.
You have to keep in mind that while I have been dealing with my feelings for Sexy Man, trying to get over him, I have also been trying desperately to make my marriage work in the process of this last year and half. I have stayed at home with Hubby every night, only going out when he felt like going out, which has been few and far between. I have tried really hard to focus on our relationship, while also trying to make sense of my feelings and trying to understand Hubby’s feelings, and trying to figure out exactly what kind of marriage we have and what our future may hold. It has been the hardest struggle I have had to face, with a lot of hard decisions that have had to be made. Not wearing my wedding ring, and Hubby not caring about that one way or the other has had a real impact on my thoughts about my relationship with him.
Now that I wasn’t wearing my rings anymore, I thought to myself, ‘this really WOULD be the ideal time for Hubby to get me that diamond ring I had been asking for all these years. I really wanted something to wear to symbolize our life together. I also needed some reassurance that we had a future together. Instead of this dreadful feeling that our 20th Anniversary might be our last, I had hopes that it might represent a fresh start, and this new ring could be the perfect symbol of that. I hinted a few more times, even going so far as to tell his best friend about how I really wanted one, hoping that he’d say something to Hubby. At the same time, I really wanted Hubby to have a ring too, so I went out and bought him a simple white gold wedding band to give him on our anniversary. [Hubby has never really been one for jewelry, let alone flashy jewelry, so the simplicity of the band was perfect for him.]
On the morning of our anniversary I woke up in a really good mood. It was going to be a good day. Son was finally home, and I had missed him something awful. Hubby and I had gone to sleep cuddling the night before, even after the conversation we had the evening before, so I was confident that our marriage wasn’t going to self-destruct anytime in the near future, and again, it was our 20th anniversary, so I had plans to fill the day with celebration.
Hubby had to work that day, but he announced at work that it was his 20th anniversary, and the guys at work told him to go home and be with his wife. He called me to tell me this, and I thought to myself that it did mean something to him, and it put me in an even better mood.
When Hubby made it home, we had some quiet time together because Son was still sleeping. So I decided it would be the perfect time to give Hubby his first anniversary gift.
Hubby is really into pirates, and the year before for Halloween I had dressed up as a pirate wench and I had some pictures of me in my costume. He had asked me several times to get copies made of these pictures for him, so as a gift I framed one of the photos of me, creating a pirate theme with matting and rubberstamps of pirate paraphernalia. When I gave it to him he was all smiles, telling me how much he loved it. Then he tells me he hadn’t gotten me anything. Ouch! Well, I figured it was still early in the day, and he had plenty of time to rectify the situation – plus, I knew we still had our romantic dinner to look forward to, and I kind of got the impression that he was going to wait until dinner before he gave me anything, so I wasn’t really bothered by the fact that he didn’t give me anything just then.
The remainder of the morning was peaceful. Hubby put the photo I gave him on his desk in a prominent spot, and that made me happy. For the next few hours he proceeded to tell me how much he loved the picture, which also made me happy. So far so good – it was a good day. Then Son woke up and I suggested we all go to the mall because I wanted to get my hair colored before Hubby and I went out that evening to celebrate.
When we got to the mall, I suggested since it was a special day, that Hubby and I buy new outfits to go out in that night, so we went shopping for clothes. In the process, we were walking by a jewelry store, and I walked in to “glance” at their rings. I even found the perfect marquee diamond ring – I couldn’t have given a bigger hint (except to tell him to buy it for me on the spot), just in case he really hadn’t gotten me anything for our anniversary. It was my last ditch effort to let him know how much I wanted it. After that I thought for sure he would have gotten the hint, and I merrily went on my way for my appointment to get my hair colored. I was there for two hours – plenty of time for Hubby to go “shopping”.
I was in an excellent mood by the time we got home from the mall. I hopped into the shower to get ready for our special evening together – spending extra time getting ready so that I looked great for Hubby that night. By the time we left to go to dinner, I was very excited about the evening ahead.
Finally we get to dinner that night, and I am beside myself, smiling and laughing, and I can’t wait to exchange gifts with Hubby. After we ordered drinks and dinner, I decided it would be the prefect time to give him the gift I got him. So I reached down in my purse, pulled out the small gift box and set it down in front of him, saying, “Happy Anniversary, Baby!”
What I was hoping to hear was at least, “Wow! Thank you!” Maybe even, “I have something for you too.” But I instead, I hear “What’s this? Why did you get me something? Oh my God, I didn’t get you anything. Why did you do this?” And for the next ten minutes he proceeded to make me feel like shit for getting him something for our anniversary.
I was so hurt that initially I couldn’t even speak. Finally, in the process of choking back tears, I told him that I wanted him to have something on this special occasion to remind him of my never-ending love for him. Then I blurted out that I didn’t know why I was being made to feel like shit for buying him something for our anniversary, and I got up and walked out of the restaurant in tears.
I was devastated. Not once did I mention the fact that he hadn’t gotten me anything. He didn’t even so much as get me a card, let alone the ring I wanted. I knew by the look on his face that he felt like a complete shit for not getting me anything, but rather than apologize for that, he turned it all around on me.
I can honestly say this was the most awkward and hurtful moment I have ever had with Hubby in the 22 years we have been together. I stood outside that restaurant for a good 10 minutes crying and not knowing what to do. He never even came out to check on me. But rather than leave him sitting in the restaurant and going home to file for divorce, I decided to try to make the most of it, so I went back inside.
When I returned to my seat I told him that it was our anniversary, and that I would at least like to enjoy our dinner together. At that point he hadn’t even opened the box, so I asked him to please open his gift and put it on because it was important to me. He did so, reluctantly, and for the rest of the night I tried to put a smile on my face. I didn’t know what else to do. Big T and her husband would also be arriving soon to join us for dessert, as they were going out with us to the country bar afterwards to help us celebrate, and I didn’t want them to know what had happened.
Needless to say, the rest of the night had a big black cloud hanging over it. I was thankful that Big T and her husband had joined us – I don’t think I would have had it in me to show anything resembling a smile if they hadn’t shown up. But Big T is good for laughs, so it made the rest of the night somewhat bearable. We even managed to get an anniversary picture of Hubby and I smiling, although I still can't look at that picture without remembering what a bad night it really was.
After dessert we all headed to the country bar for drinks. If wasn’t for Beauty working that night and telling Hubby to take me out on the dance floor, I don’t think Hubby would have danced with me that night. He didn’t even touch me until then. And after the dance, he didn’t touch me either. The ride home that night was a quiet one, and we went to bed that night without saying anything except “Good night” to each other. What I was hoping would be a memorable night turned out to be one of the worst moments in our marriage.
For the last few months I had been mentioning to Hubby how I can’t believe we were getting ready to have our 20th Anniversary – how it was such a major milestone in our life together. And for the last several weeks I had been asking him what he thought we should do to celebrate. He never really gave me an answer, so after he came home from his trip I suggested that we go out to this fancy restaurant in town for a romantic dinner for two, and then go to the country bar afterwards for dancing and drinks. I really wanted to make this a special anniversary, for a few reasons: One, because it WAS a major milestone; Two, because our relationship has been rocky this last year and half, to say the least, and I haven’t been so sure we would make it to 20 years; and Three, because I really do love Hubby, and I wanted him to know that. In addition to my wanting to make it special for him, I thought for sure he would want to do the same for me. I had been trying all along to let him know how important this anniversary was to me too. I was also getting very excited about this particular anniversary, because for the last 10 years I have been telling Hubby that I would like a marquee diamond ring, and I had been throwing hints around like a mad woman that our 20th Anniversary would be the perfect time to get me one.
Please don’t think I’m petty. I really am not. In the twenty years that Hubby and I have been together, he has never once bought me a piece of jewelry, except for my engagement ring and wedding band, which he and I picked out and paid for together. Back in our early years we really didn’t have much money, and between my wedding and engagement rings and his wedding band, we only spent $250.00, so you can imagine how small the diamond in my engagement ring was. And I have to be honest and tell you that I have been a bit envious all these years seeing my friends walking around with these beautiful diamond rings on their fingers that their husbands have been so thoughtful and loving to buy for their wives. I have always imagined how special these wives must feel to receive such a beautiful gift, and how romantic the moments must have been when their husbands gave them to them. Meanwhile, I’m walking around with this small diamond, which I might add I have worn proudly all these years, only taking my rings off my hand maybe five or six times in 19 years.
Now is probably a good time to tell you a side-line story to all of this...While I have proudly worn my wedding ring all these years, Hubby hasn’t worn his wedding ring in over 18 years . See, Hubby works on airplanes doing aircraft maintenance. Because of the type of work he has been doing, jewelry isn’t allowed because it can be a serious hazard. I have accepted this all these years because I didn’t have a choice, even though that ring meant much more to me than just being a piece of jewelry. He could have worn his ring when he wasn’t working, but he never put it on then either. I could have bitched about this, and I did for a while, but eventually I gave up because I got tired of fighting about it.
Over the years Hubby has also put on weight, so eventually it got to the point where his ring didn’t even fit him anymore. But through it all, we always knew where his wedding ring was. It has always sat on his desk, being held by a Mickey Mouse figurine. And we always knew where my ring was too – on my hand.
Well, last June I had to go into the hospital for shoulder surgery. If you have ever had surgery, you know that they ask you to take off your jewelry before hand, so I had to take off my rings. I also knew at the time that I would be having another surgery in a few months, and I have also put on weight over the years, so getting my rings on and off was a little difficult. After the shoulder surgery, I had swelling in my left arm for a while too, so I couldn’t put my rings back on right away. Then one evening Hubby and I were driving down the road, and I commented that I thought it might be a good idea to wait to put my rings on again until after the next surgery so I wouldn’t have to fight with getting them on and off again. When I said that, I was waiting for Hubby’s reaction to see if maybe he would have a problem with that. After a few minutes I realized it didn’t faze Hubby in the least, which actually bothered ME. Go figure. Given his lack of reaction and the fact that I was bothered by it, and given the fact that at this point in his career he worked in an office now and the flight-line was history for him, I suggested that maybe we should get his ring resized so he could start wearing his again. Instead of agreeing, Hubby says, “Geez – I don’t even know what hand it goes on anymore.” It would have been funny if he hadn’t been completely serious when he said it.
Hubby’s comment really upset me, so I said, “When you remember and start wearing your ring again, I’ll put my rings back on and we can be married again.” He actually had the audacity to laugh at that. That’s when I decided that I really wasn’t going to wear my rings again until he started wearing his.
I made it through the next surgery, all the while missing my rings and wondering if he would ever care that I wasn’t wearing them anymore. He never so much as commented on it. Then I found out that I needed yet another surgery, and still I hadn’t put my rings back on, and still I missed them, and still he never commented on them not being on my hand.
You have to keep in mind that while I have been dealing with my feelings for Sexy Man, trying to get over him, I have also been trying desperately to make my marriage work in the process of this last year and half. I have stayed at home with Hubby every night, only going out when he felt like going out, which has been few and far between. I have tried really hard to focus on our relationship, while also trying to make sense of my feelings and trying to understand Hubby’s feelings, and trying to figure out exactly what kind of marriage we have and what our future may hold. It has been the hardest struggle I have had to face, with a lot of hard decisions that have had to be made. Not wearing my wedding ring, and Hubby not caring about that one way or the other has had a real impact on my thoughts about my relationship with him.
Now that I wasn’t wearing my rings anymore, I thought to myself, ‘this really WOULD be the ideal time for Hubby to get me that diamond ring I had been asking for all these years. I really wanted something to wear to symbolize our life together. I also needed some reassurance that we had a future together. Instead of this dreadful feeling that our 20th Anniversary might be our last, I had hopes that it might represent a fresh start, and this new ring could be the perfect symbol of that. I hinted a few more times, even going so far as to tell his best friend about how I really wanted one, hoping that he’d say something to Hubby. At the same time, I really wanted Hubby to have a ring too, so I went out and bought him a simple white gold wedding band to give him on our anniversary. [Hubby has never really been one for jewelry, let alone flashy jewelry, so the simplicity of the band was perfect for him.]
On the morning of our anniversary I woke up in a really good mood. It was going to be a good day. Son was finally home, and I had missed him something awful. Hubby and I had gone to sleep cuddling the night before, even after the conversation we had the evening before, so I was confident that our marriage wasn’t going to self-destruct anytime in the near future, and again, it was our 20th anniversary, so I had plans to fill the day with celebration.
Hubby had to work that day, but he announced at work that it was his 20th anniversary, and the guys at work told him to go home and be with his wife. He called me to tell me this, and I thought to myself that it did mean something to him, and it put me in an even better mood.
When Hubby made it home, we had some quiet time together because Son was still sleeping. So I decided it would be the perfect time to give Hubby his first anniversary gift.
Hubby is really into pirates, and the year before for Halloween I had dressed up as a pirate wench and I had some pictures of me in my costume. He had asked me several times to get copies made of these pictures for him, so as a gift I framed one of the photos of me, creating a pirate theme with matting and rubberstamps of pirate paraphernalia. When I gave it to him he was all smiles, telling me how much he loved it. Then he tells me he hadn’t gotten me anything. Ouch! Well, I figured it was still early in the day, and he had plenty of time to rectify the situation – plus, I knew we still had our romantic dinner to look forward to, and I kind of got the impression that he was going to wait until dinner before he gave me anything, so I wasn’t really bothered by the fact that he didn’t give me anything just then.
The remainder of the morning was peaceful. Hubby put the photo I gave him on his desk in a prominent spot, and that made me happy. For the next few hours he proceeded to tell me how much he loved the picture, which also made me happy. So far so good – it was a good day. Then Son woke up and I suggested we all go to the mall because I wanted to get my hair colored before Hubby and I went out that evening to celebrate.
When we got to the mall, I suggested since it was a special day, that Hubby and I buy new outfits to go out in that night, so we went shopping for clothes. In the process, we were walking by a jewelry store, and I walked in to “glance” at their rings. I even found the perfect marquee diamond ring – I couldn’t have given a bigger hint (except to tell him to buy it for me on the spot), just in case he really hadn’t gotten me anything for our anniversary. It was my last ditch effort to let him know how much I wanted it. After that I thought for sure he would have gotten the hint, and I merrily went on my way for my appointment to get my hair colored. I was there for two hours – plenty of time for Hubby to go “shopping”.
I was in an excellent mood by the time we got home from the mall. I hopped into the shower to get ready for our special evening together – spending extra time getting ready so that I looked great for Hubby that night. By the time we left to go to dinner, I was very excited about the evening ahead.
Finally we get to dinner that night, and I am beside myself, smiling and laughing, and I can’t wait to exchange gifts with Hubby. After we ordered drinks and dinner, I decided it would be the prefect time to give him the gift I got him. So I reached down in my purse, pulled out the small gift box and set it down in front of him, saying, “Happy Anniversary, Baby!”
What I was hoping to hear was at least, “Wow! Thank you!” Maybe even, “I have something for you too.” But I instead, I hear “What’s this? Why did you get me something? Oh my God, I didn’t get you anything. Why did you do this?” And for the next ten minutes he proceeded to make me feel like shit for getting him something for our anniversary.
I was so hurt that initially I couldn’t even speak. Finally, in the process of choking back tears, I told him that I wanted him to have something on this special occasion to remind him of my never-ending love for him. Then I blurted out that I didn’t know why I was being made to feel like shit for buying him something for our anniversary, and I got up and walked out of the restaurant in tears.
I was devastated. Not once did I mention the fact that he hadn’t gotten me anything. He didn’t even so much as get me a card, let alone the ring I wanted. I knew by the look on his face that he felt like a complete shit for not getting me anything, but rather than apologize for that, he turned it all around on me.
I can honestly say this was the most awkward and hurtful moment I have ever had with Hubby in the 22 years we have been together. I stood outside that restaurant for a good 10 minutes crying and not knowing what to do. He never even came out to check on me. But rather than leave him sitting in the restaurant and going home to file for divorce, I decided to try to make the most of it, so I went back inside.
When I returned to my seat I told him that it was our anniversary, and that I would at least like to enjoy our dinner together. At that point he hadn’t even opened the box, so I asked him to please open his gift and put it on because it was important to me. He did so, reluctantly, and for the rest of the night I tried to put a smile on my face. I didn’t know what else to do. Big T and her husband would also be arriving soon to join us for dessert, as they were going out with us to the country bar afterwards to help us celebrate, and I didn’t want them to know what had happened.
Needless to say, the rest of the night had a big black cloud hanging over it. I was thankful that Big T and her husband had joined us – I don’t think I would have had it in me to show anything resembling a smile if they hadn’t shown up. But Big T is good for laughs, so it made the rest of the night somewhat bearable. We even managed to get an anniversary picture of Hubby and I smiling, although I still can't look at that picture without remembering what a bad night it really was.
After dessert we all headed to the country bar for drinks. If wasn’t for Beauty working that night and telling Hubby to take me out on the dance floor, I don’t think Hubby would have danced with me that night. He didn’t even touch me until then. And after the dance, he didn’t touch me either. The ride home that night was a quiet one, and we went to bed that night without saying anything except “Good night” to each other. What I was hoping would be a memorable night turned out to be one of the worst moments in our marriage.
The Turning Tides, part 2
I’m not sure where to begin. So much has happened over the last few weeks since my last post. Maybe it is best to pick up where I left off, but you might want to grab yourself your favorite beverage of choice first – this is probably going to be a long one.
Ready? Okay, let’s see…
When I left off last, I was telling you about one of my evenings out and the incident with Beauty and Biker Dude. That’s the night I came home horny and Hubby unselfishly satisfied me without expecting anything in return for the first time in our relationship of 22 years. I’m still amazed at that. Anyway…
The next evening Hubby and I were lying around in bed, being intimate in a cuddly sort of way. I love moments like this with Hubby. We sit in bed in the dark, just touching each other, scratching each others backs, giving each other massages, and we talk. These moments don’t happen very often, but when they do the conversations we have are usually good ones that lead to open and honest discussions about anything that manages to come up. On this particular night the conversation turned to sex. (Go figure.)
Hubby made a comment about how horny I had been when I got home after being out with the girls the previous night, and he asked what got me so riled up. I told him that I have been really horny lately, and given that I am not allowed to have intercourse right now it only magnifies the situation. Then we proceeded to talk about how much I love sex, and how much I love to flirt, and I started telling him again about the biker dude I had been flirting with that night and what had happened.
Hubby always calls me his “bad girl”. He likes to hear the details of my flirting encounters when I’m out without him. As a matter of fact, when I go out without him, he usually sends me text messages via the cell phone, encouraging me to be sexy, show my cleavage, and flirt up a storm. (I got a lot of text messages like this when he and I spent that year apart.) Then when I recount the details to him later, he will tell me how much he loves his bad girl. And if we are physically together when I tell him the details, it usually leads to sex.
Well, this time it didn’t lead to any sex. When he called me his bad girl this time, I told him there were a few men I had met while he was gone that I’d like to have sex with. He handled this fine, like he always does. But then I decided that this might be the perfect opportunity to discuss our extra-marital sex situation, because it really has been a while since there has been anyone else, and given our relationship struggles the last year and half, it might be a good idea to clear the air and find out where we stand, so I decided to ask him how he felt about the whole thing. I started by asking him if he would like to have sex with other women. He answered with a resounding, “Of course!”
[Up until this point in our relationship, Hubby really hasn’t had too much sex with other women. Mostly it has been me with both women and men. Occasionally, he will join in on the fun, but for the most part, he just likes to watch or hear the details. Extra-curricular partners don’t happen too often either. I really need to get to know someone before I’ll have sex with them. There needs to be a definite attraction and comfort level between us before sex is even suggested. In short, there have been very few extra partners that have happened spur-of-the-moment, although they do happen occasionally.]
Well, when Hubby answered with such a solid “yes”, I basically told him he should go for it. Why should I be the only one to have all the fun, right? The only thing I asked was that he told me about it afterwards (I want steamy details *grins*), and that safety has to be top priority (in other words, he MUST wear a condom.) Then he tells me in a sarcastic sort of way that it will never happen because women aren’t attracted to him.
[Unfortunately, Hubby has self-esteem issues. I told him that he needs to put himself out there in that way if he is going to attract other women. The problem is that he neither dresses nor acts the part of a man who wants to attract women. This is actually a part of our problem in our marriage too, because he doesn’t seem to want to put in any effort to attract me either. I try to assure him on a regular basis that he is an attractive and sexy man, but he always looks at me like I’m full of shit. It is hard to boost someone’s ego when they have such a bad attitude about their own self-image. He is also a home-body, preferring to sit at home and chill with a few drinks playing on his computer, as opposed to going out to socialize and party. This is another problem in our marriage, because I LOVE to go out, and up until recently, I would stay home with him being the ‘dutiful wife’ which led to a severe case of depression on my part.]
Well, once again I tried to assure him that he is attractive and sexy, and once again he looks at me like I’m full of shit. Then he mentions how I have both men and women who are attracted to me, and he goes on to talk about our year apart, mentioning in a round-a-bout way how I was going out having all the fun while he was stuck in a basement the whole time. Then he asks me point blank, “How many times did you have sex with ‘Sexy Man’?”
DOH! This was not a conversation I was ready to have. Particularly because our 20th Wedding Anniversary was the next day, and I didn’t want to spoil the cuddly moment that Hubby and I were having at the time. But since he asked, I had to be honest, because I really hate lying to Hubby. Not to mention the fact that I didn’t want to hurt Hubby, because my relationship with Sexy Man went far beyond ‘just sex’, and until now, all Hubby knew was that Sexy Man and I had formed a close friendship and had slept together. I hadn’t divulged too much detail beyond that because I knew it would only hurt him. The last thing any husband wants to hear is that his wife fell in love with another man. But again, since he asked, I had to give him an answer.
Before telling Hubby the reality, I asked him if he was sure he really wanted to know? He said, “Yes.” I braced myself for the worst and I told Hubby that Sexy Man and I had sex more times than I can count, and that Sexy Man and I actually had a relationship. That’s all I said about it and, of course, it didn’t go over too well, as expected. Given Hubby’s reaction, I didn’t think it was a good idea to tell him any more than that, but Hubby’s upset reaction wasn’t because of what you would think.
Most men would be upset that their wife had sex with another man at all, let alone more times than can be counted, or that the relationship was more than just sex. But it wasn’t the fact that I had sex with Sexy Man that upset Hubby. It wasn’t even the fact that I had a “more than just sex” relationship with him, although I think Hubby is choosing to ignore that information. What Hubby got upset about was the fact that I hadn’t told him about how often I had sex with Sexy Man. And with this new information in hand, Hubby bounced off the bed upset, and headed down to the kitchen to fix himself a drink. Who could blame him, right? I’m thinking to myself, ‘the reality has just hit him – he has finally realized that I had a love-relationship with another man, and now the shit is really going to hit the fan.’
After listening to Hubby shuffle around downstairs for a few minutes, I finally hollered downstairs, “Are we going to finish this conversation, or are you just going to leave me sitting here??” With that, Hubby comes back to the bedroom and says, “I can’t believe everyone was out having a good time that whole year, while I was stuck in a basement all the time!” I said, “Whoa! Wait a minute. I wasn’t out ‘having a good time’ that whole year. I spent more than half that year feeling miserable and alone.” He then says sarcastically, “Yeah – yeah – I know – I wasn’t there for you ‘emotionally’.”
[Side note: Over a year ago I had told Hubby an even shorter version of my time with Sexy Man. At that time I also explained to him that I felt like he (Hubby) had pulled away from me mentally and emotionally, and how even with the miles between us, I still needed that emotional connection. I also tried to explain this to him during that year apart, BEFORE I had started seeing Sexy Man, but as always, Hubby hears only what he wants to hear, preferring to remain ignorant to the rest, because he’s too caught up in his own little world.]
Of course, his sarcasm pissed me off, and I told him, “That’s right. You WEREN’T there for me emotionally, and you seemed like you didn’t give a shit anymore, so I decided to start going out and having a life.” Then Hubby repeats himself and says, “Yeah. But while I’m ‘stuck in a basement’ that whole year, you’re out having sex with Sexy Man.” Once again I repeated myself, saying, “I wasn’t having sex that whole year with Sexy Man! I only started seeing him towards the end of January – and oh, by the way, if you are having problems with that, then maybe you should rethink this whole ‘open-marriage’ thing.”
I have to tell you, this is the first time in our relationship that Hubby has shown any signs of jealousy. I pointed this out and told him it was nice to know that he actually gave a shit. Then I said, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about how often I was having sex with Sexy Man. I can apologize until I’m blue in the face, and you can either accept my apology or not, but the fact is that it happened and I can’t change it.” At that point Hubby says, “It’s over and done with and it’s in the past.” Then he kisses me and the conversation is over.
Talk about dysfunctional relationships! The thing that gets me most about that whole conversation is while I’m feeling guilty about my relationship with Sexy Man, Hubby was caught up on being “stuck in a basement that whole year.” Here I am trying to be totally honest, and he’s feeling sorry for himself because of a basement – that’s total bullshit! While he WAS renting a room from a buddy of his during that time, and that room just happened to be in a basement, nobody “STUCK” him there. He could have gone out whenever he chose to. The fact that he CHOSE to hang out in said basement is no one’s fault but his. I should have pointed this out, but I didn’t. I also should have pointed out the conversation we had prior to his leaving for that year where we discussed extra-curricular sex, agreeing that we could see other people if we wanted to, but I didn’t point that out either.
When the conversation was over that night, all seemed peachy. We had pretty much said our peace, gotten some things out in the open, and moved on. Or so I thought. Afterwards, he headed to his office, and I headed to mine, until it was time to pick Son up from the airport. The next day, the shit hit the fan again.
Ready? Okay, let’s see…
When I left off last, I was telling you about one of my evenings out and the incident with Beauty and Biker Dude. That’s the night I came home horny and Hubby unselfishly satisfied me without expecting anything in return for the first time in our relationship of 22 years. I’m still amazed at that. Anyway…
The next evening Hubby and I were lying around in bed, being intimate in a cuddly sort of way. I love moments like this with Hubby. We sit in bed in the dark, just touching each other, scratching each others backs, giving each other massages, and we talk. These moments don’t happen very often, but when they do the conversations we have are usually good ones that lead to open and honest discussions about anything that manages to come up. On this particular night the conversation turned to sex. (Go figure.)
Hubby made a comment about how horny I had been when I got home after being out with the girls the previous night, and he asked what got me so riled up. I told him that I have been really horny lately, and given that I am not allowed to have intercourse right now it only magnifies the situation. Then we proceeded to talk about how much I love sex, and how much I love to flirt, and I started telling him again about the biker dude I had been flirting with that night and what had happened.
Hubby always calls me his “bad girl”. He likes to hear the details of my flirting encounters when I’m out without him. As a matter of fact, when I go out without him, he usually sends me text messages via the cell phone, encouraging me to be sexy, show my cleavage, and flirt up a storm. (I got a lot of text messages like this when he and I spent that year apart.) Then when I recount the details to him later, he will tell me how much he loves his bad girl. And if we are physically together when I tell him the details, it usually leads to sex.
Well, this time it didn’t lead to any sex. When he called me his bad girl this time, I told him there were a few men I had met while he was gone that I’d like to have sex with. He handled this fine, like he always does. But then I decided that this might be the perfect opportunity to discuss our extra-marital sex situation, because it really has been a while since there has been anyone else, and given our relationship struggles the last year and half, it might be a good idea to clear the air and find out where we stand, so I decided to ask him how he felt about the whole thing. I started by asking him if he would like to have sex with other women. He answered with a resounding, “Of course!”
[Up until this point in our relationship, Hubby really hasn’t had too much sex with other women. Mostly it has been me with both women and men. Occasionally, he will join in on the fun, but for the most part, he just likes to watch or hear the details. Extra-curricular partners don’t happen too often either. I really need to get to know someone before I’ll have sex with them. There needs to be a definite attraction and comfort level between us before sex is even suggested. In short, there have been very few extra partners that have happened spur-of-the-moment, although they do happen occasionally.]
Well, when Hubby answered with such a solid “yes”, I basically told him he should go for it. Why should I be the only one to have all the fun, right? The only thing I asked was that he told me about it afterwards (I want steamy details *grins*), and that safety has to be top priority (in other words, he MUST wear a condom.) Then he tells me in a sarcastic sort of way that it will never happen because women aren’t attracted to him.
[Unfortunately, Hubby has self-esteem issues. I told him that he needs to put himself out there in that way if he is going to attract other women. The problem is that he neither dresses nor acts the part of a man who wants to attract women. This is actually a part of our problem in our marriage too, because he doesn’t seem to want to put in any effort to attract me either. I try to assure him on a regular basis that he is an attractive and sexy man, but he always looks at me like I’m full of shit. It is hard to boost someone’s ego when they have such a bad attitude about their own self-image. He is also a home-body, preferring to sit at home and chill with a few drinks playing on his computer, as opposed to going out to socialize and party. This is another problem in our marriage, because I LOVE to go out, and up until recently, I would stay home with him being the ‘dutiful wife’ which led to a severe case of depression on my part.]
Well, once again I tried to assure him that he is attractive and sexy, and once again he looks at me like I’m full of shit. Then he mentions how I have both men and women who are attracted to me, and he goes on to talk about our year apart, mentioning in a round-a-bout way how I was going out having all the fun while he was stuck in a basement the whole time. Then he asks me point blank, “How many times did you have sex with ‘Sexy Man’?”
DOH! This was not a conversation I was ready to have. Particularly because our 20th Wedding Anniversary was the next day, and I didn’t want to spoil the cuddly moment that Hubby and I were having at the time. But since he asked, I had to be honest, because I really hate lying to Hubby. Not to mention the fact that I didn’t want to hurt Hubby, because my relationship with Sexy Man went far beyond ‘just sex’, and until now, all Hubby knew was that Sexy Man and I had formed a close friendship and had slept together. I hadn’t divulged too much detail beyond that because I knew it would only hurt him. The last thing any husband wants to hear is that his wife fell in love with another man. But again, since he asked, I had to give him an answer.
Before telling Hubby the reality, I asked him if he was sure he really wanted to know? He said, “Yes.” I braced myself for the worst and I told Hubby that Sexy Man and I had sex more times than I can count, and that Sexy Man and I actually had a relationship. That’s all I said about it and, of course, it didn’t go over too well, as expected. Given Hubby’s reaction, I didn’t think it was a good idea to tell him any more than that, but Hubby’s upset reaction wasn’t because of what you would think.
Most men would be upset that their wife had sex with another man at all, let alone more times than can be counted, or that the relationship was more than just sex. But it wasn’t the fact that I had sex with Sexy Man that upset Hubby. It wasn’t even the fact that I had a “more than just sex” relationship with him, although I think Hubby is choosing to ignore that information. What Hubby got upset about was the fact that I hadn’t told him about how often I had sex with Sexy Man. And with this new information in hand, Hubby bounced off the bed upset, and headed down to the kitchen to fix himself a drink. Who could blame him, right? I’m thinking to myself, ‘the reality has just hit him – he has finally realized that I had a love-relationship with another man, and now the shit is really going to hit the fan.’
After listening to Hubby shuffle around downstairs for a few minutes, I finally hollered downstairs, “Are we going to finish this conversation, or are you just going to leave me sitting here??” With that, Hubby comes back to the bedroom and says, “I can’t believe everyone was out having a good time that whole year, while I was stuck in a basement all the time!” I said, “Whoa! Wait a minute. I wasn’t out ‘having a good time’ that whole year. I spent more than half that year feeling miserable and alone.” He then says sarcastically, “Yeah – yeah – I know – I wasn’t there for you ‘emotionally’.”
[Side note: Over a year ago I had told Hubby an even shorter version of my time with Sexy Man. At that time I also explained to him that I felt like he (Hubby) had pulled away from me mentally and emotionally, and how even with the miles between us, I still needed that emotional connection. I also tried to explain this to him during that year apart, BEFORE I had started seeing Sexy Man, but as always, Hubby hears only what he wants to hear, preferring to remain ignorant to the rest, because he’s too caught up in his own little world.]
Of course, his sarcasm pissed me off, and I told him, “That’s right. You WEREN’T there for me emotionally, and you seemed like you didn’t give a shit anymore, so I decided to start going out and having a life.” Then Hubby repeats himself and says, “Yeah. But while I’m ‘stuck in a basement’ that whole year, you’re out having sex with Sexy Man.” Once again I repeated myself, saying, “I wasn’t having sex that whole year with Sexy Man! I only started seeing him towards the end of January – and oh, by the way, if you are having problems with that, then maybe you should rethink this whole ‘open-marriage’ thing.”
I have to tell you, this is the first time in our relationship that Hubby has shown any signs of jealousy. I pointed this out and told him it was nice to know that he actually gave a shit. Then I said, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about how often I was having sex with Sexy Man. I can apologize until I’m blue in the face, and you can either accept my apology or not, but the fact is that it happened and I can’t change it.” At that point Hubby says, “It’s over and done with and it’s in the past.” Then he kisses me and the conversation is over.
Talk about dysfunctional relationships! The thing that gets me most about that whole conversation is while I’m feeling guilty about my relationship with Sexy Man, Hubby was caught up on being “stuck in a basement that whole year.” Here I am trying to be totally honest, and he’s feeling sorry for himself because of a basement – that’s total bullshit! While he WAS renting a room from a buddy of his during that time, and that room just happened to be in a basement, nobody “STUCK” him there. He could have gone out whenever he chose to. The fact that he CHOSE to hang out in said basement is no one’s fault but his. I should have pointed this out, but I didn’t. I also should have pointed out the conversation we had prior to his leaving for that year where we discussed extra-curricular sex, agreeing that we could see other people if we wanted to, but I didn’t point that out either.
When the conversation was over that night, all seemed peachy. We had pretty much said our peace, gotten some things out in the open, and moved on. Or so I thought. Afterwards, he headed to his office, and I headed to mine, until it was time to pick Son up from the airport. The next day, the shit hit the fan again.
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