The Turning Tides, part 3

The day after Son came home was a very special day. Not only was Christmas a few days away, AND Son was home, but it was also our 20th Wedding Anniversary. Now, I don’t know about you, but to me a 20th Wedding Anniversary is a big deal. These days divorce is so common that to see a couple reach 20 years of marriage together is almost amazing. Don’t you think? I do. But apparently, I was the only one in this particular couple who thought it was worthy of being special.

For the last few months I had been mentioning to Hubby how I can’t believe we were getting ready to have our 20th Anniversary – how it was such a major milestone in our life together. And for the last several weeks I had been asking him what he thought we should do to celebrate. He never really gave me an answer, so after he came home from his trip I suggested that we go out to this fancy restaurant in town for a romantic dinner for two, and then go to the country bar afterwards for dancing and drinks. I really wanted to make this a special anniversary, for a few reasons: One, because it WAS a major milestone; Two, because our relationship has been rocky this last year and half, to say the least, and I haven’t been so sure we would make it to 20 years; and Three, because I really do love Hubby, and I wanted him to know that. In addition to my wanting to make it special for him, I thought for sure he would want to do the same for me. I had been trying all along to let him know how important this anniversary was to me too. I was also getting very excited about this particular anniversary, because for the last 10 years I have been telling Hubby that I would like a marquee diamond ring, and I had been throwing hints around like a mad woman that our 20th Anniversary would be the perfect time to get me one.

Please don’t think I’m petty. I really am not. In the twenty years that Hubby and I have been together, he has never once bought me a piece of jewelry, except for my engagement ring and wedding band, which he and I picked out and paid for together. Back in our early years we really didn’t have much money, and between my wedding and engagement rings and his wedding band, we only spent $250.00, so you can imagine how small the diamond in my engagement ring was. And I have to be honest and tell you that I have been a bit envious all these years seeing my friends walking around with these beautiful diamond rings on their fingers that their husbands have been so thoughtful and loving to buy for their wives. I have always imagined how special these wives must feel to receive such a beautiful gift, and how romantic the moments must have been when their husbands gave them to them. Meanwhile, I’m walking around with this small diamond, which I might add I have worn proudly all these years, only taking my rings off my hand maybe five or six times in 19 years.

Now is probably a good time to tell you a side-line story to all of this...While I have proudly worn my wedding ring all these years, Hubby hasn’t worn his wedding ring in over 18 years . See, Hubby works on airplanes doing aircraft maintenance. Because of the type of work he has been doing, jewelry isn’t allowed because it can be a serious hazard. I have accepted this all these years because I didn’t have a choice, even though that ring meant much more to me than just being a piece of jewelry. He could have worn his ring when he wasn’t working, but he never put it on then either. I could have bitched about this, and I did for a while, but eventually I gave up because I got tired of fighting about it.

Over the years Hubby has also put on weight, so eventually it got to the point where his ring didn’t even fit him anymore. But through it all, we always knew where his wedding ring was. It has always sat on his desk, being held by a Mickey Mouse figurine. And we always knew where my ring was too – on my hand.

Well, last June I had to go into the hospital for shoulder surgery. If you have ever had surgery, you know that they ask you to take off your jewelry before hand, so I had to take off my rings. I also knew at the time that I would be having another surgery in a few months, and I have also put on weight over the years, so getting my rings on and off was a little difficult. After the shoulder surgery, I had swelling in my left arm for a while too, so I couldn’t put my rings back on right away. Then one evening Hubby and I were driving down the road, and I commented that I thought it might be a good idea to wait to put my rings on again until after the next surgery so I wouldn’t have to fight with getting them on and off again. When I said that, I was waiting for Hubby’s reaction to see if maybe he would have a problem with that. After a few minutes I realized it didn’t faze Hubby in the least, which actually bothered ME. Go figure. Given his lack of reaction and the fact that I was bothered by it, and given the fact that at this point in his career he worked in an office now and the flight-line was history for him, I suggested that maybe we should get his ring resized so he could start wearing his again. Instead of agreeing, Hubby says, “Geez – I don’t even know what hand it goes on anymore.” It would have been funny if he hadn’t been completely serious when he said it.

Hubby’s comment really upset me, so I said, “When you remember and start wearing your ring again, I’ll put my rings back on and we can be married again.” He actually had the audacity to laugh at that. That’s when I decided that I really wasn’t going to wear my rings again until he started wearing his.

I made it through the next surgery, all the while missing my rings and wondering if he would ever care that I wasn’t wearing them anymore. He never so much as commented on it. Then I found out that I needed yet another surgery, and still I hadn’t put my rings back on, and still I missed them, and still he never commented on them not being on my hand.

You have to keep in mind that while I have been dealing with my feelings for Sexy Man, trying to get over him, I have also been trying desperately to make my marriage work in the process of this last year and half. I have stayed at home with Hubby every night, only going out when he felt like going out, which has been few and far between. I have tried really hard to focus on our relationship, while also trying to make sense of my feelings and trying to understand Hubby’s feelings, and trying to figure out exactly what kind of marriage we have and what our future may hold. It has been the hardest struggle I have had to face, with a lot of hard decisions that have had to be made. Not wearing my wedding ring, and Hubby not caring about that one way or the other has had a real impact on my thoughts about my relationship with him.

Now that I wasn’t wearing my rings anymore, I thought to myself, ‘this really WOULD be the ideal time for Hubby to get me that diamond ring I had been asking for all these years. I really wanted something to wear to symbolize our life together. I also needed some reassurance that we had a future together. Instead of this dreadful feeling that our 20th Anniversary might be our last, I had hopes that it might represent a fresh start, and this new ring could be the perfect symbol of that. I hinted a few more times, even going so far as to tell his best friend about how I really wanted one, hoping that he’d say something to Hubby. At the same time, I really wanted Hubby to have a ring too, so I went out and bought him a simple white gold wedding band to give him on our anniversary. [Hubby has never really been one for jewelry, let alone flashy jewelry, so the simplicity of the band was perfect for him.]

On the morning of our anniversary I woke up in a really good mood. It was going to be a good day. Son was finally home, and I had missed him something awful. Hubby and I had gone to sleep cuddling the night before, even after the conversation we had the evening before, so I was confident that our marriage wasn’t going to self-destruct anytime in the near future, and again, it was our 20th anniversary, so I had plans to fill the day with celebration.

Hubby had to work that day, but he announced at work that it was his 20th anniversary, and the guys at work told him to go home and be with his wife. He called me to tell me this, and I thought to myself that it did mean something to him, and it put me in an even better mood.

When Hubby made it home, we had some quiet time together because Son was still sleeping. So I decided it would be the perfect time to give Hubby his first anniversary gift.

Hubby is really into pirates, and the year before for Halloween I had dressed up as a pirate wench and I had some pictures of me in my costume. He had asked me several times to get copies made of these pictures for him, so as a gift I framed one of the photos of me, creating a pirate theme with matting and rubberstamps of pirate paraphernalia. When I gave it to him he was all smiles, telling me how much he loved it. Then he tells me he hadn’t gotten me anything. Ouch! Well, I figured it was still early in the day, and he had plenty of time to rectify the situation – plus, I knew we still had our romantic dinner to look forward to, and I kind of got the impression that he was going to wait until dinner before he gave me anything, so I wasn’t really bothered by the fact that he didn’t give me anything just then.

The remainder of the morning was peaceful. Hubby put the photo I gave him on his desk in a prominent spot, and that made me happy. For the next few hours he proceeded to tell me how much he loved the picture, which also made me happy. So far so good – it was a good day. Then Son woke up and I suggested we all go to the mall because I wanted to get my hair colored before Hubby and I went out that evening to celebrate.

When we got to the mall, I suggested since it was a special day, that Hubby and I buy new outfits to go out in that night, so we went shopping for clothes. In the process, we were walking by a jewelry store, and I walked in to “glance” at their rings. I even found the perfect marquee diamond ring – I couldn’t have given a bigger hint (except to tell him to buy it for me on the spot), just in case he really hadn’t gotten me anything for our anniversary. It was my last ditch effort to let him know how much I wanted it. After that I thought for sure he would have gotten the hint, and I merrily went on my way for my appointment to get my hair colored. I was there for two hours – plenty of time for Hubby to go “shopping”.

I was in an excellent mood by the time we got home from the mall. I hopped into the shower to get ready for our special evening together – spending extra time getting ready so that I looked great for Hubby that night. By the time we left to go to dinner, I was very excited about the evening ahead.

Finally we get to dinner that night, and I am beside myself, smiling and laughing, and I can’t wait to exchange gifts with Hubby. After we ordered drinks and dinner, I decided it would be the prefect time to give him the gift I got him. So I reached down in my purse, pulled out the small gift box and set it down in front of him, saying, “Happy Anniversary, Baby!”

What I was hoping to hear was at least, “Wow! Thank you!” Maybe even, “I have something for you too.” But I instead, I hear “What’s this? Why did you get me something? Oh my God, I didn’t get you anything. Why did you do this?” And for the next ten minutes he proceeded to make me feel like shit for getting him something for our anniversary.

I was so hurt that initially I couldn’t even speak. Finally, in the process of choking back tears, I told him that I wanted him to have something on this special occasion to remind him of my never-ending love for him. Then I blurted out that I didn’t know why I was being made to feel like shit for buying him something for our anniversary, and I got up and walked out of the restaurant in tears.

I was devastated. Not once did I mention the fact that he hadn’t gotten me anything. He didn’t even so much as get me a card, let alone the ring I wanted. I knew by the look on his face that he felt like a complete shit for not getting me anything, but rather than apologize for that, he turned it all around on me.

I can honestly say this was the most awkward and hurtful moment I have ever had with Hubby in the 22 years we have been together. I stood outside that restaurant for a good 10 minutes crying and not knowing what to do. He never even came out to check on me. But rather than leave him sitting in the restaurant and going home to file for divorce, I decided to try to make the most of it, so I went back inside.

When I returned to my seat I told him that it was our anniversary, and that I would at least like to enjoy our dinner together. At that point he hadn’t even opened the box, so I asked him to please open his gift and put it on because it was important to me. He did so, reluctantly, and for the rest of the night I tried to put a smile on my face. I didn’t know what else to do. Big T and her husband would also be arriving soon to join us for dessert, as they were going out with us to the country bar afterwards to help us celebrate, and I didn’t want them to know what had happened.

Needless to say, the rest of the night had a big black cloud hanging over it. I was thankful that Big T and her husband had joined us – I don’t think I would have had it in me to show anything resembling a smile if they hadn’t shown up. But Big T is good for laughs, so it made the rest of the night somewhat bearable. We even managed to get an anniversary picture of Hubby and I smiling, although I still can't look at that picture without remembering what a bad night it really was.

After dessert we all headed to the country bar for drinks. If wasn’t for Beauty working that night and telling Hubby to take me out on the dance floor, I don’t think Hubby would have danced with me that night. He didn’t even touch me until then. And after the dance, he didn’t touch me either. The ride home that night was a quiet one, and we went to bed that night without saying anything except “Good night” to each other. What I was hoping would be a memorable night turned out to be one of the worst moments in our marriage.