The Turning Tides, part 4

After such a heart breaking anniversary, the next few days were difficult for me. I tried really hard to forgive Hubby for not getting me anything for our anniversary. I could have even forgiven him for not getting me the diamond ring I wanted, because it was expensive and a purchase like that is not a life necessity. What I had a hard time forgiving was that he didn’t even so much as buy me a card to mark the occasion, in addition to making me feel like shit for getting him something. It doesn’t help that Son knew something was up, and asked me what was wrong. I asked him if Dad showed him the ring I bought him, and he said yes. I said, “Dad didn’t even buy me a card.” Then Son says, “You really wanted that ring, didn’t you?” I told him yes, then he tells me the day we were at the mall, when I went into that jewelry store and started looking at rings, Hubby said, “What is she going in THERE for?”

OMG! Well, at least my 19 year old was raised to be observant, even if Hubby isn’t. I think Son will be a wonderful husband someday.

I tried really hard to get over the anniversary, but it kept looming in the back of my mind. I kept thinking, “Why am I the only one to care about such a special occasion? Does it really not matter to him? Do I not matter to him? Is this his way of saying he doesn’t care about our marriage?” I am so confused and frustrated about our life together that I can’t think straight sometimes. I am having such a hard time trying to decide whether or not I should give up after all this time, but here I sit, still trying, and I keep wondering - why I am putting myself through this?

When I was down in Texas, I found the greatest happiness I have ever known. On the flip side of that, I am currently experiencing the greatest sadness I have ever known in my life with Hubby. I have tried so damn hard to make things work between us, giving up my social life for him – giving up everything that makes me happy – for him - and I am starting to feel like it has all been for nothing. He doesn’t seem to appreciate what I have given up for him – what I have given up for the sake of our marriage.

I’m not saying I’m perfect - far, far from it. Everyone has their faults, and I have more than my share. But I am also a very giving person, and I will bend over backwards for the people I love. I don’t think it’s too much to ask to want to find some happiness in my life or at the very least, to feel appreciated even in the slightest sense. I am tired of feeling like my existence doesn’t matter, or that the good things I contribute to our life together don’t matter. This crappy anniversary situation has only added to my frustration.

What really gets me is that I tried really hard not to lay blame on Hubby after the anniversary fiasco. Where any sane woman would have gone off the deep end and given their husbands a serious boat load of shit for what happened, I kept it to myself, never once telling him how much it hurt, when deep down I was beyond hurt. But still for the next few days, I tried to put a smile on my face and let it go.

The days following our anniversary, Hubby tried getting cuddly with me. I would let him hug me and kiss me, and I tried to be receptive to it. This went on until Christmas Eve - Hubby and I found ourselves alone in our bedroom for a few minutes. He started getting cuddly with me again, only this time he wanted to get more than cuddly. He started kissing me – I allowed him to undress me, and then he laid me down on the bed. Then he tells me that he really loves me. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I said, “If you really love me, then why didn’t you at least buy me a card for our anniversary?” [Up to this point I have never verbally mentioned the diamond ring.] He gets up and says sarcastically, trying to sound cute, “Well, I guess I don’t love you that much.” Wrong answer!

I lost it. The tears started to flow, and I let out all my frustration. I told him how I felt like he didn’t give a shit. I told him how I was tired of having no life, and feeling like my efforts don’t matter. I said I was tired of feeling like the only thing I was good for was taking care of the finances and sex when he wanted it. I shared with him how I couldn’t handle feeling so alone anymore, and how I seriously thought about killing myself the week after he left, with the only thing stopping me being that I was afraid of how long it would take before someone found my body, because that’s how alone I am. With that news he looked at me with a sad look in his eyes and asked if I wanted him to make me an appointment with the mental health clinic because he knew I was serious. I told him no, that what I wanted was for him to start making me feel like my life matters to HIM. Then I proceeded to tell him about how hurt I was that he didn’t get me the ring for our anniversary. His comment to that was that he didn’t know, and why didn’t I say something? O-M-G!

[Side note: I found out later that he asked Son if he knew I wanted that ring. When Son told him that he knew, Hubby asked him why he hadn’t said anything - Son said, “Dad, I didn’t think I should have to tell you.” Have I told you what a great son I have?? It’s pretty sad when a 19 year old child gets it, while the 42 year old adult is totally clueless.]

I’m already an emotional disaster at this point, in hysterical tears, and that comment took me over the edge. I told him that he better start making me feel like I am worth diamonds and roses or I’m leaving him. [There is a story about roses that I will share with you later, but the short version is that I have never been given a dozen roses (until my 41st birthday), and I have started to feel like maybe I’m not worth things like diamonds and roses.] I also told him that I am a social person, and I can’t take sitting at home and being miserable anymore – I need to start going out and having some fun, and whether he wants to join me in that or not is his choice, but I will start going out on a regular basis to maintain my sanity (in a literal sense.) Then I said, "It's pretty sad that I have to go out and flirt with other people just to feel alive." Then he says, “Thank you for choosing to stay with me.” I said, “You need to understand, staying with you IS a choice. If things don’t start to change and soon, I will choose to leave.” And with that, I went on to tell him that I’m tired of taking the back seat to his career. I told him that he is so self-involved in his own little world that he fails to acknowledge our life as a couple, and that he needs to realize that his job is just a job. When it comes time to retire, he won’t have the job anymore and the only thing he’ll have left is the two of us and our life together- and if he doesn’t get his act together, he won’t have me anymore either.

Hubby and I have talked more than once about my moving back down to Texas without him, but during those conversations it has always been on the premise that I would move down there and wait for him. This is the first time ever in our relationship that I have threatened to leave him with the intention of divorce. And this is the last time I will mention it. Next time I will pack up my belongings and head to a lawyer. After a year and a half of struggling so hard to make things work between us, I have finally reached my breaking point. Now it’s up to Hubby.