I'm Sick of It!

I am so sick of everything right now.

I'm sick of fair-weather friends. You know the kind I'm talking about. They're the ones who only get in touch when it's convenient for them. They're the ones you CAN'T call on when you need a friend, because they really don't give a shit one way or the other. On the off-chance that you actually spend any time with them, you can't expect to have anymore than a casual conversation with them. God forbid you actually need someone to talk to, be it good or bad, because suddenly they have more important things to do. I am sick of fair-weather friends.

I'm sick of having no life. I'm sick of being in a place I hate. I'm sick of spending so much time alone. I'm sick of always trying to find things to do to occupy my time because I spend so much time alone. I am fed up with everything I call "my life" right now. I'm sick of not having my own home. I'm sick of being the only one in this household to worry about finances and the future. I'm sick of my job. I'm sick of the military bullshit. I'm sick of cold weather.

I'm also sick of being sick. Geez-oh-crimeny! I have spent the last year doing nothing but recovering. If I haven't been recovering from surgeries, then I have been recovering from stomach viruses, head traumas, colds, and the flu. Just when I thought I was over being sick, I end up with allergies that are plaguing me with ear infections. I'm 42 years old, for heaven sakes! I'm not supposed to be getting ear infections at 42 years old! I try to take care of myself - eat healthy foods, drink lots of water, take my vitamins, get lots of rest, but it seems no matter what I do, nothing helps. And you can forget exercising. Who the hell feels like exercizing when they're sick 99.9% of the time. I'm sick of being sick.

Last, but hardly least, I'm sick of having my heart stomped on! I'm am so utterly tired of sharing my heart with people, only to have them treat me like I mean nothing in the end. Why do people feel that it is okay to do that? When I care about someone, whether they are a friend, family member, or lover, they usually know it. I am an affectionate person. I spend time letting people know I am thinking about them. I make efforts to hold on relationships that mean something. I am caring and giving, and I always have shoulder when it's needed. I will give you the shirt off my back, open up my home, put food in your belly, and offer hugs of support. Yet, in the end, I am so easily forgotten. I am sick of letting people into my life who don't give a shit.

What the hell?!?! I am NOT some door mat that people can use when needed, then wipe their feet on me and discard me when they don't need me anymore. I am sick and tired of trying to be self-less in my relationships, when everyone else is being so damn selfish! I'm sick of it!

My Hero of the Night

Tonight I went out as planned. I got my nails done, stopped by McD's to get a burger, then I headed to the country bar to check out the band of the week, while hoping just maybe there would be someone there I knew that I could hang out with.

For starters, I went to a new nail place. The guy did a disappointing job on my nails. The prices here are so much higher than they are down in Texas. You would think for the money you would get top service and a job worthy of the price. Not so much. Serves me right for trying someone different. I am so unhappy that I am seriously considering going to my regular place tomorrow to have them fixed rather than wait until I need my next fill. *sighs* Only problem is that I really like the polish color, and I had my toes done too. If I get my nails fixed, that means I'll need to get my toes repolished to match. arrgghh. I know that sounds really vain, but I enjoy taking a some pride in my appearance - right on down to my polished toes, lol

After getting my nails done & getting a bite to eat, I headed to the country bar. When I got there I was surprised to see so many cars in the parking lot for a Tuesday night. Unfortunately, the only people I knew when I went in were the bartenders and the manager. I tried calling one of the girls I know to see if she wanted to come out and join me, but she never returned my call. Well, since I was already there, I decided to stay for a drink and check out the band.

So...I'm sitting there alone, minding my own business, drinking my drink and enjoying the band of the week. They were actually really good, which means I might go back again one day this week if I can find someone to go with me. Anyway...I finished my first drink, and decided to stay for a second one since I was really enjoying the band. While I'm sitting there, this guy walks up to me and says, "You have beautiful breasts!" He starts making these noises, like 'mmm-mmm-mmm" - Then he askes me if I will turn towards him so that he can see them better. Uh...what the hell??? I have had men approach me before, and even comment on my cleavage in a subtle, even polite or humorous way, but I have never had anyone be quite so blunt. If this guy hadn't been so insistent on wanting to see them, I would have taken it as a compliment, but he turned out to be really annoying and wouldn't go away. The whole time he stood there next to my table, he stared with intent at my cleavage all the while telling me how great they were.

It didn't take long for me to tell this guy that he was making me really uncomfortable, and eventually I asked him to leave or I was going to get the manager. Then he apologizes (while still staring at my cleavage) and tells me that when he sees something he likes, he goes for it. Period. Then he continues with, "Look around. You have the best breasts in this bar", while pointing out the breasts of other women in the bar. OMG! At this point I started looking around for the manager. Then this other guy, who patrons the country bar nightly, came over and sat next to me and started talking to me. My hero! The breast-obsessive guy findly left. Thank the Gods!

There's nice, there's flirtatious, and then there's plain old scary. This guy was just plain old scary! So much so that for the first time ever, I actually requested that the manager walk me to my car when I left.

When I went out tonight, this was not the kind of "fun" I was looking for. And this is EXACTLY why I hate going out alone. I wish I could find a real friend to hang out with here.

As for my hero, well, he's an 89 year old man, LOL! He's a good guy though - friendly and funny, and everyone there loves him. It's nice to know that chivalry still exists.

A Moment of Silence

Yesterday morning, while sitting at my computer, I surfed to the homepage of the news and discovered that a tragedy had taken place. There had been a shooting at Virginia Tech. As I kept an eye on the news coverage, the death toll rose from one to thirty-two lives taken during the course of this senseless and tragic event.

After the initial shock of hearing what had happened, thoughts of my son immediately came to my mind. My son is currently away at college in the State of Virginia. Knowing that he is at a different university offered little comfort to me, as my thoughts raced to his own safety.

As a parent, this is one of those moments in life that is our greatest fear. A child leaves the nest to spread their wings, and you can only hope and pray that they will remain healthy and safe when they leave the comfort of their home and the loving arms of their parents.

My son is safe. Having heard his voice brings relief to my mind and heart. But my child has been touched by this incident. Two friends of his lost friends in the shootings at Virginia Tech, and one friend left campus to be with a friend who was wounded, bringing this tragedy closer to home.

This whole ordeal saddens me. So many lives are touched by this.

From those who lost their lives, to those left behind to grieve and make sense of this, to the nation that mourns with the mourners, I offer blessings of peace, love, and the warmth of healing light to bring comfort to your minds and hearts.

A moment of silence do I give, for the lives and souls of the departed.
A moment of hope do I give, that we remember those souls for their gifts of life.
For through their lives and their senseless deaths,
May we always remember how precious we truly are to one another.

Blessed Be.

My Decision...

After looking at my archive count, I realized that I have only posted to my blog once a month over that last three months. I thought I'd try to break that habit, so here I am. :) Actually, I have decided that I am going to try to post something to my blog at least once a week. My life isn't really all that exciting, particularly right now, but who knows...I'm sure with all the things swimming around in my head, I can manage to find something to talk about. For this post, we'll start with this past Saturday evening.

I'm sure I have mentioned that I am into the motorcycle scene. I absolutely LOVE riding motorcycles. If you have never been on one, but you're into the whole freedom-loving, nature-loving lifestyle, then I highly recommend trying it out. There's just something about being on a motorcycle - the power of the engine beneath you; the freedom of the ride; the feeling of the wind against your body; the connection and experience with nature that you can't get from riding in a car; even the vulnerability that exists, as well as the dangers...it's both a rush and a serene experience all at the same time - not to mention just plain old fun!

Well, Saturday while I was at work, I went out to smoke a cigarette towards the end of the day, and while I'm out there, Hubby drives up on his motorcycle and parks next to me. It was a beautiful day out, which has been a rarity around here. As soon as I saw Hubby on the bike, I just knew that when I got off of work I would have to insist that Hubby take me for a ride before the sun went down. He agreed, so when I got off work I immediately went home, got into my gear, and off we went. :)

It really was a beautiful evening for a ride! The air had a bit of a bite to it, but with my leathers on, it was more than bearable. And it wasn't too windy out either, which made for perfect riding. (When you're going 70 mph on a motorcycle, and the wind is whipping at you from the sides at 40 mph across open fields, the ride becomes interesting to say the least as you try to keep your bike steady while fighting with the wind at the same time.) Windy days are usually a given around here, so it was nice to have my first ride of the season be a calm one, lol - Anyway...

Where I live, there really aren't too many options for destinations. Anything good is going to be at least two hours away, so if you 'just want to go for a ride', the routes are limited. When we hopped on the bike that evening, Hubby asked me which route I wanted to go, and after thinking about it, I told him, "let's just go to the country bar for a little bit". He agreed, and we hit the road. (The country bar is about 20 minutes away so it wasn't too far, and we wouldn't risk getting caught out at night, which is something we try to avoid.)

When we got to the country bar the band was already playing. This was about 5:30, so I thought the band was actually early that night, because they don't usually start playing until 8-8:30. Then I rememered that on Saturday evenings the band of the week has a jam session where anyone can join the band with their own personal instruments or vocals. It actually turned out to be the most enjoyable hour and half that Hubby and I have had in a while. Since we haven't been to the country bar in two months, we lucked out that the band of the week was pretty damn good. Then to add to the enjoyment, those individuals who 'jammed' with the band turned out to be pretty damn good too! We were impressed - as everyone on the stage managed to crank out anything from Pink Floyd to country to the Blues, we had a hard time figuring out who was actually in the band, and who was only there for the jam session.

Hubby tried to talk me into getting up there too, but I had to say no. I love to sing. When I was in Texas, I was the primary vocals in a garage band (I think I've mentioned that before). The thought of singing with a band again tempted me terribly, but I decided against it. Since I am only just getting over the flu and just getting my speaking voice back, I really didn't think it was a good idea to try to belt out any tunes just yet, lol. But I have to say again...it was sooooo tempting. I miss singing with a band. It is so much different than singing karaoke. Ah well, maybe next time. The jam session was over about 7:30-ish, so Hubby and I took off and headed home, where I fixed dinner and then Hubby headed to bed.

Then I worked again on Sunday. When I got home, Hubby was still at work, so I laid down to take a nap. (Oh, I guess I forgot to mention, Hubby started working 12 hour shifts on Sunday. It's only for a week or so.) Well, I guess I must have really needed that nap, because I laid down at 4:45 and didn't wake up until 9:30. Doh! When I woke up, I went downstairs, and just as I was about to give Hubby a hug, he says to me in a really pissy tone, "I'm going to bed." I asked what was wrong, and he says to me, "I just wanted to spend some time with my wife and have dinner. I just had some crackers, now I'm going to bed." What the hell?? I said, "Why didn't you wake me up?" He says, "Because you were sleeping pretty hard." I said, "You should have woke me up." He says again in a really pissy tone, "Why bother." OMG! So the alternative is to be an ass about it? And did you notice the comment about the "crackers" for dinner? He's going to get shitty with me because he couldn't get off his ass and fix himself something besides crackers for dinner? I don't think so! He's a grown man, and it wouldn't the be first time he fended for himself. Geez! Needless to say, I spent the next hour stewing over the whole stupid ordeal. I'm still trying to figure out what the hell that was all about. I refuse to be a kitchen slave, and he knows it. I also don't play slave to victims either. It was a bullshit moment, and today I told him so. After apologizing for the night before, he gets all cozy with me and tells me he wants to roll around naked with me. Uh...no. He went to bed about an hour ago, by himself. Nighty-night!

Now I'm sitting here alone, yet again. I hate this solitude. And because Hubby is on 12 hour shifts all week, I will spend my days by myself, and then by 9:00 pm, I will be left alone yet again because he'll be in bed. Might I add, his 9 pm bedtime is not unusual. He's generally in bed by 9:00 whether he's working 12's or not. *sighs* I think tomorrow I will go downtown and get my nails done, and maybe go to the country bar to see what kind of trouble I can get into, hehe! If I'm not mistaken, Biker Dude plays pool on Tuesday nights (she says with a devilish grin!)

You may think by that last comment that I'm getting over my recent heartbreak. No, I'm still dealing with it, and probably will be for a while. But I have made a decision...

Several months ago I started making a scrapbook album of my time with Sexy Man. The idea was to give it to him when I moved back to Texas as a gift. Well, when Sexy Man and I had our few hours together recently, we had spent some time looking at photos I had stored on my computer from when I lived down there before. During the few minutes we were looking at photos, I had asked him whether he remembered a particular moment, and he commented, "Women have such better memories than men." When he said that, I knew that I needed to finish the scrapbook to give to him. Then our relationship ended, and now I have this gift for him staring at me, so I've decided to go ahead and finish it, and still give it to him when I move back to Texas. How I am actually going to get it to him will prove to be interesting, since I really don't want to see him, particularly right now. But maybe by then I'll be able to handle it. Who knows.

Why would I do something so crazy as to finish this scrapbook for him? I've asked myself that a couple of times, and the only thing I can come up with is that I think working on it might be a healing outlet for me in some wierd way. I don't know. If it proves to be too much for me emotionally, then maybe I'll just burn the damn thing. Again, I don't know. It just seems to me if I intended it to go to him, then I still think he should have it. Besides, a lot of love and hard work has gone into this damn thing. And if truth be told, I think he needs to remember what we shared. Then maybe he'll see how wrong it was to end things the way he did. Not that I want to start things back up with him, honestly. At this particular moment, I really don't. I don't think I can bring myself to go through all that again. But I still want him to have this scrapbook.

While I'm telling you about this scrapbook, now would also be a good time to share with you that while I was visiting Mr. & Mrs. WS, Mrs. WS had shared a scrapbook she made of our good times at the watering hole before we all moved. I loved seeing our time together through her eyes. The only thing was, it had only been two days since my break-up with Sexy Man, and of course there were photos in there of me and Sexy Man. At the time, seeing those photos hit me really hard, for obvious reasons, and I was overwhelmed with tears. I don't know why I hadn't braced myself for those photos, because Sexy Man was as much a part of those good times as anyone else who used to hang out with us. Later on the irony hit me about my own scrapbook. After looking at hers, I wasn't so sure I'd be able to finish the one I had started for Sexy Man. I couldn't even open mine until today. But then today I decided to pull it out and just look at it. I managed to do so without crying, although I felt a real heaviness in my heart looking at those pictures. After looking at my scrapbook today, that's when I decided that I needed to finish it. If I could look at it today without crying, then maybe six months from now I'll be able to look at it with fond memories, instead of with heartache.

So anyway, there you have my decision. As far as going out tomorrow night goes, Mrs. WS said to me not too long ago, "the best way to get over someone is to find someone new." So I am going to take her word on that, and go out tomorrow night to see if I can strike up a little fun! What do I have to lose, right? I'll keep you "posted"! ;)

Love Sucks & Life Goes On

It is hard to believe that it has been over a month since I last posted anything. Lady Lover has been a busy girl. Actually, I've been a really sick girl. :( During the second week of my trip to Texas, I managed to get the flu, which has lasted three weeks so far. *sniffles* I have managed to experience the full array of flu symptoms, to include losing my voice which I still haven't gotten back completely. The good news is after - count 'em...not one, but THREE rounds of antibiotics, I'm FINALLY starting to feel better than I sound. I even missed two days of work, which is something I am not in the habit of doing. *sighs* My boss actually had the audacity to insist on a doctor's note because she didn't believe me. The nerve of some people! Aside from needing a weekend off because of one of my surgeries, this was the only time I have ever called in sick. Like it wasn't obvious enough that I couldn't speak??? This woman (my boss) is a real head case.

Well, during my inability to speak and feeling crappy these last three weeks, I've been doing a lot of thinking. I had these grand plans to tell you all about my wonderful time in Texas, but there has been an incident that is over-shadowing my happy thoughts. I have been trying really hard to let it go, but try as I may, the hurt is just too much right now. I need to talk about it with the hope that it will help me to move on. So here goes...

The day I left Texas, Sexy Man and I ended our two year relationship. After three weeks my heart still feels like it has a hole in it the size of Texas, and emotionally I am feeling really raw right now. I am so hurt and pissed off at the way things went down - and through it all, I still love this man, which makes it all the more painful.

I know I never finished the "Margarita Memoirs" which, by the way, I moved to it's own seperate blog a few weeks ago with the intention continuing. But with recent events, I don't know if I can bring myself to work on it right now. Anyway...anyone who reads my blogs has never really gotten the full scope of my relationship with Sexy Man, so to really understand how I came to love this man as much as I do will be a mystery to most. I suppose at this point it really doesn't matter though. I suppose at this point the only thing that matters is understanding that I love this man with all my heart. I guess in the end, that doesn't really matter anymore either, because he doesn't want me in his life anymore.

Here's what happened...

On the Thursday during my first week in Texas, I got a call from Sexy Man asking me if he could come to my hotel room and visit. I said yes, of course, and as I waited for him to get there I spent my time primping in the mirror to make sure I looked okay, all the while going crazy with anticipation. Finally there's the knock on the door, and when I open it, Sexy Man is standing there with this big beautiful smile on his face. And don't you know, he's also sporting a goatee, which I have always found to be sexy as hell, especially on Sexy Man. [Have I ever told you that I'm a sucker for a man with a goatee? Seriously. I don't know why, but I love them!] When he came into the room, he gave me one of his big ol' bear hugs with a yummy kiss, and we just stood there for a few moments holding each other.

I was so nervous about seeing him, because it had been almost a year and a half since we had seen each other, even though we had communicated quite often during that time apart. But during that time apart, I had felt the distance growing between us over the last few months, and I had felt that our time was coming to an end, even though I had hoped with all my heart that wouldn't be the case.

If you remember my last post, one of the reasons I made this trip to Texas was to try to bring closure to our relationship - or at least find out where we stood. At the time, I told myself I would accept what ever happens, and deal with it. What I didn't expect was how things actually happened, or how much it would hurt.

Well, After Sexy Man and I said hello, he waltzed into my room and plopped down on the bed and started talking with me as though there had never been any time apart. We spent two hours laying on that bed talking, catching up on all the things going on in our lives. Actually, that's not completely true - he did most of the talking. He eventually realized that I hadn't been "sharing" much, and asked how things had been going for me. I found it hard to divulge the details of my life over the last year and half, because it has been a very difficult time for me. As soon as I started to tell him what was going on, my eyes filled with tears and I couldn't continue. Thankfully, he didn't push the issue. He already has a pretty good idea of how miserable I am where I am living right now, but he doesn't know too many details. Whenever we would talk on the phone, I always tried to leave my misery out of it. I preferred to keep our conversations positive and up-beat. Anyway...

During our time in my room, we really hadn't been very physically connected. I was actually afraid to touch him, because I was afraid of how he might respond given the distance growing from our time apart. Eventually, I told him that I didn't know if I was allowed to touch him or not, and he told me, "Of course you can touch me!" As if to say I was a silly woman for even thinking that, he pulled me to him and held me and kissed me again. It felt so good to feel his arms around me and to feel his lips against mine after all that time. We stayed like that for a few minutes, hugging, holding each other, and kissing. I wanted so badly to push him back on the bed and have one of those incredible make-out sessions, but I kept myself in check, afraid to go too far. Then I told him how much I had missed him, and shared with him that I had been trying to give him space. He asked if I meant space there in the room, and while I had been trying to give him space there too, I said, "No - I mean space as far as contacting you." He said, "I noticed that you weren't getting in touch as often." Then I said, "Just because you don't hear from me as often doesn't mean I have stopped loving you. I still love you, [Sexy Man]." He responded with, "I know exactly what you mean." We continued to hold each other, and after a few more minutes he suggested we go to the park and take a walk.

[I don't think I ever got around to mentioning the park in the Margarita Memoirs, but Sexy Man and I had many, many memorable moments in that park, so taking a "walk in the park" has special meaning to us. It was one of the only public places we could go to be together without worrying about running into people either one of us knew. And we have had some excellent conversations in the park - among other things. The other public place we would go was the watering hole, but then, we usually had alcohol in our systems there and really didn't give a crap if people saw us or not.]

When we got to the park, I had a flood of happy memories come back to me of our previous times there. Most of all, I felt an incredible feeling of peace wash over me - like I was back where I belonged. I think he felt it too because he hugged me tightly when we got there. Then, as he always did, Sexy Man grabbed my hand and we started taking our walk through park. We talked, we laughed, and we enjoyed our time together holding hands the whole way, but about a quarter of the way through our walk I felt this incredible need for reality check, and I told him that I wanted him in my life - but if he couldn't handle that and still manage his marraige, he needed to tell me. Again, for the second time that day, I choked back tears, and as I said that I braced myself to hear the worst. But instead of saying whether he could or couldn't handle it, he maintained silence. I waited for his response, but rather than insist on a response, I walked silently with him. He never responded to it. He eventually broke the silence with a joke, and we kept walking as though I had never said anything.

We continued our walk through the park, once again enjoying our time together. Of course, there was this issue of my previous comments now in the back of my mind, but this was our first time together in a while, and I really didn't want to spoil it further, so I left it alone for the time being. Then, about three quarters of the way through our walk, Sexy Man says to me, "[Wifey] and I have been together for a lot of years. We have children together. We have a history together." This actually made me angry, because this is not the first time he has said this to me. I pointed this out, stopping him dead in his tracks, while also telling him, "Every time you say that, you make it sound like you are the only one here with a spouse. [Hubby] and I have also been together for a lot of years. We also have a child together. We also have a history together - you are not the only one." His response to that was, "I know - I needed to remind myself, as much as I needed to say it to you."

Once again, we continued our walk, mostly in silence at this point. When we eventually got back to the car, we stood there by the car just holding each other. I laid my head on his chest while he held me, and I told him I always felt so at peace with him. He said, "That's because we have always been so comfortable with each other." Then we got in the car and headed back to my hotel.

When we returned to the hotel, he hugged me and kissed me again, and made a comment about how he needed to get home, because "playing golf in the dark would be hard to explain." Then he told me that he would really like to join us Saturday night, and he'll try to be there. With that, I looked at him and said, "Please don't abandon me, Baby." He said, "I won't." Then he said, "Please go out tonight and enjoy yourself. Please don't sit in your room alone." I promised him that I would find something to occupy my time that night, we kissed again and said goodbye, and then he left.

Now, I have to ask you...does this sound like a man who is about to end a relationship? A part of me recognizes that we were both trying to say things to each other that day that never managed to come out. But still. What we really needed was some time to talk about "us", and as far as I knew, we would get to see each other again, so I wasn't too concerned about trying to get everything out right then and there. Gotta love that hind-sight, because there are so many things I wish I had said to him that day. :( But then, I didn't think it would be the last time we would see each other either.

Given the small momentary strains of our visit that day, I decided to leave Sexy Man alone on Friday, so I didn't contact him. I left him alone on Saturday too, knowing that if he wanted to see me that night he would join us at the watering hole. Well, that afternoon I got a text message from him saying the family had planned a cookout, and he would see what he could do about getting out that evening. I sent him one back saying I hoped he could make it. I knew when I got his text that he wouldn't be out that night, and as expected, the night came and went and no Sexy Man. Even though I knew he probably wouldn't show up, I was still hurt, because I still hoped that just maybe he'd find time to spend with me since my visit was a short one. I had my brief moment of tears over that, but then I let it go and continued to enjoy my time with my friends. (I'll fill you in on the fun later.) Then Sunday came and went. I have always given Sexy Man his Sunday's with his family, so once again I left him alone. Then Monday rolls around.

Now I have gone three days without seeing him, and really not hearing from him except for the text message on Saturday. Come Monday, I only had one day left in town if we were going to spend any more time together because I was leaving the next day. So Monday, around late morning, I sent Sexy Man a text message asking him if he would be able to get together that evening for a drink. A few hours later, late afternoon, I finally heard back from him telling me that he wouldn't be able to make it - giving me some lame excuse that he had some stomach thing going on that the kids gave him. I don't know if he was really sick or not, but I have my suspicions that was only an excuse to get out of seeing me, because I've heard something similar once before. I sent him a text back, letting him know that I was suspicious, but to feel better. Then he asks me when I was leaving. I told him check out was at 11:00, and he said he'd see me in the morning. You can only imagine my dissappointment about not getting to see him that evening. I was definitely getting the impression that he didn't want to see me. I managed to fill my evening visiting friends, and waited patiently for morning to arrive, at the same time, feeling apprehensive about what the morning would bring.

Well, the next morning rolls around, and I start packing up the car to leave. At 10:45 I checked out of the hotel, and I sat in my car in the hotel parking lot waiting for him to stop by. I knew that he took his lunch time at 10:45, so I figured he'd be there about 11:00. 11:00 rolls around, and no Sexy Man in sight. 11:15 rolls around, and still no Sexy Man. I knew at that moment that he wasn't coming. He didn't call or even send a text message, and the disappointment I felt was overwhelming. It was obvious that he was letting go, which broke my heart. What hurts most is that he said nothing. After everything he and I have shared, he was going to let me leave town without even so much as a goodbye. That's when I sent him a text message letting him know how hurt I was.

The following are the text messages that we sent to each other:

[By the way, Sexy Man and I had an agreement that I would never call him, but I could text him all I wanted. His wife found a cell phone bill at one point and started to scrutinize and question "a particular phone number" that was showing up on the bill. To the very end I respected that situation, so that's why I sent him a text instead of calling him. On the flip side, he never hesitated to call me - when he wanted to.]

LL - [11:17 am] I am so hurt, [Sexy Man]. I guess I know how you really feel now. I can’t believe you are choosing to end it this way – that hurts I most of all. – [Lady Lover]

SM - [11:32 am] [Lady Lover]-I’m sorry you are so hurt. My life is a mess now! I have things to work out with my family. Too much stress. I’m sorry baby – I wish you the best. Love [SM]

LL -[11:42 am] All I’ve done is love u. All I’ve asked 4 is honesty & a chance to share the love I thought we had 4 each other. Tell me you don’t love me and I’ll walk away forever.

SM - [11:50 am] I can’t give you the love you want and need. I’m taken. Take care of yourself and thank U for loving me.

LL - [11:56 am] Maybe you should have thought about that before you spent 5 months being the man in my life & telling me you loved me. Don’t thank me – this hurts like hell.

And that was the end of it, and the end of our relationship. I haven't heard from him since, and it is everything I can do to keep myself from writing him an e-mail and pointing out how wrong it was that he couldn't find the time to say goodbye to me in person or by phone. Even worse is that he chose to end our relationship through text messages.

Then there's his comment, "Thank U for loving me" - OMG! Thank you for loving him??? That felt like a slap in the face. It felt like he was patting me on the head like some dog, thanking me for being loyal, and sending my happy "loving" ass on its way!

For two years WE have had a relationship - I wasn't the only one involved here. For two years I have loved this man with every ounce of my being, while believing he loved me too. Difficulties aside, I was under the impression that we cared very deeply for one another. If being married was an issue, then why the hell did he ever start something with me in the first place - or keep it going by making me believe for the last two years that he gave a shit and actually wanted me in his life???

The fact that we are both married to someone else has always been very difficult on both of us. When we first started seeing each other, there was a definite something we both needed in our lives, and we found it in each other. As time passed, as we continued to spend time together, our relationship grew into real love for one another. We both recognized what we found in each other, but because of that, we also struggled terribly with our conscience because of our spouses. So we both tried to hold on to what we had with each other while also staying in our marriages.

I have no doubt that Sexy Man loves me. I also understand why he can't bring himself to leave his wife. He stands to lose a lot if he leaves her. The same holds true if I were to leave my husband. But the truth is that we both almost did leave our spouses so that we could be together. I wasn't the only one "loving" here!

Even through my anger and disbelief, I need to say - before anyone starts judging our situation, you need to know that we never intended to fall in love. I don't think anyone ever really plans on that. Even though what Sexy Man and I had was wrong in so many ways, because neither one of us was ever really available, I have never known anything to feel so right at the same time, and I believe Sexy Man felt that too. But still, when it came down to it, as much as we both wanted to be together, neither one of us could bring ourselves to hurt our spouses by leaving them.

Now here I sit with this huge hole in my heart, and I am so angry that after two years this is how he chose to end it. I miss my Sexy Man. I miss hearing his voice. I miss feeling his touch. I miss my friend, and I miss my lover. And knowing that I will never be able to spend time with him again is more painful than I can possibly express in words. All the while, I am still struggling to make my own marriage work.

This whole thing is so messed up.

A part of me knows this had to end. The other part of me wishes that we could have at least remained friends, because our relationship was about so much more than just sex. The chemistry, the passion, the things we had in common, the compassion and understanding that we had, when we danced it was like floating on air, when we made love it was with mind, body & soul, and the way we were able to talk and laugh together...we could talk about anything and everything, until it came to our personal relationship with each other. Whenever we started to talk about "us", it was always too heartwrenching to discuss, because we both knew deep-down that it could never be more. But everything else that made up the "us" when we were together was amazing and beautiful. Now it is over, and I find that I can't stop loving him, even with this anger I am feeling.

Like I told Mr & Mrs. WS, I guess I got my closure - but that doesn't make it hurt any less. When it came down to it, in my heart I didn't want closure, even with our difficult circumstances. Would it have been better if I had just driven out of town that day without saying a word? Probably not. If I had done that, then I would be sitting here right now hoping for things that would never come. And then I'd be kicking myself for not getting the closure I needed so that I could move on.

I am so angry, and I miss him.

I have told myself a few times over the last few days that I need to forgive him in my heart for handling this the way he did. I have to believe that even as cowardly as it was, the way he handled this, that he still loves me, and that it was as difficult for him to let go as it is for me. Then again, maybe I'm just kidding myself. Maybe I imagined everything? Maybe he never felt for me the way I thought he did? Did I misinterpret his feelings and intentions all this time?

Through all that, I am so frustrated and confused. If this is what he planned on doing, then why did he see me at all? After giving him more than one opportunity to walk away, why didn't he take one of them? Why did he have to choose to make me feel like I meant nothing in the end? I don't understand, and that adds to my heartache.

They say time heals all wounds. Right now I feel myself building this wall around my heart, because this hurts so damn much. I don't ever want to feel this kind of heartache again. I do know that I will keep pushing on, because I have to. I am telling myself that I need to put the focus back on my relationship with Hubby, but I am finding it hard to give him my heart, which isn't fair to him. I am also faced with the fact that I will be moving back to Texas, hopefully in September, and knowing one of the things I loved so much about being there was my Sexy Man. Now Sexy Man is out of the picture, and this will make the move a tough one emotionally. I have to say, Thank the Gods for the wonderful friendships I have down there. If it weren't for my friends who mean the world to me, I would probably never go back. With that in mind, I have decided that somehow I will find forgiveness in my heart for what has happened, before I make this move. I can't go back to Texas with this anger. And I can't dare hope that Sexy Man and I will be able to work this out. I know I have to let this go. The question is how? Is six months enough time to get over the greatest love of my life? Right now, if I could just stop crying, that would be an improvement.

I have pretty much let all my Texas friends know what has happened. They have stated more than once that it was weird to see me with Hubby because they are so used to seeing me with Sexy Man. Now a few of them have asked me if I still plan on moving back to Texas with what has happened. My answer is, Yes, I will still be moving back to Texas. While my love for Sexy Man has been a major part of why I love Texas so much, my love for my friends and the life I had when Sexy Man wasn't "available" is just as important to me as it ever was - now, even more so. I have decided I will not give up my Texas - not for any man! I just need healing time, and I hope you will have patience with me as I am sure to mention Sexy Man in future posts as I work through this.

Thanks for allowing me to share.