Love Sucks & Life Goes On

It is hard to believe that it has been over a month since I last posted anything. Lady Lover has been a busy girl. Actually, I've been a really sick girl. :( During the second week of my trip to Texas, I managed to get the flu, which has lasted three weeks so far. *sniffles* I have managed to experience the full array of flu symptoms, to include losing my voice which I still haven't gotten back completely. The good news is after - count 'em...not one, but THREE rounds of antibiotics, I'm FINALLY starting to feel better than I sound. I even missed two days of work, which is something I am not in the habit of doing. *sighs* My boss actually had the audacity to insist on a doctor's note because she didn't believe me. The nerve of some people! Aside from needing a weekend off because of one of my surgeries, this was the only time I have ever called in sick. Like it wasn't obvious enough that I couldn't speak??? This woman (my boss) is a real head case.

Well, during my inability to speak and feeling crappy these last three weeks, I've been doing a lot of thinking. I had these grand plans to tell you all about my wonderful time in Texas, but there has been an incident that is over-shadowing my happy thoughts. I have been trying really hard to let it go, but try as I may, the hurt is just too much right now. I need to talk about it with the hope that it will help me to move on. So here goes...

The day I left Texas, Sexy Man and I ended our two year relationship. After three weeks my heart still feels like it has a hole in it the size of Texas, and emotionally I am feeling really raw right now. I am so hurt and pissed off at the way things went down - and through it all, I still love this man, which makes it all the more painful.

I know I never finished the "Margarita Memoirs" which, by the way, I moved to it's own seperate blog a few weeks ago with the intention continuing. But with recent events, I don't know if I can bring myself to work on it right now. Anyway...anyone who reads my blogs has never really gotten the full scope of my relationship with Sexy Man, so to really understand how I came to love this man as much as I do will be a mystery to most. I suppose at this point it really doesn't matter though. I suppose at this point the only thing that matters is understanding that I love this man with all my heart. I guess in the end, that doesn't really matter anymore either, because he doesn't want me in his life anymore.

Here's what happened...

On the Thursday during my first week in Texas, I got a call from Sexy Man asking me if he could come to my hotel room and visit. I said yes, of course, and as I waited for him to get there I spent my time primping in the mirror to make sure I looked okay, all the while going crazy with anticipation. Finally there's the knock on the door, and when I open it, Sexy Man is standing there with this big beautiful smile on his face. And don't you know, he's also sporting a goatee, which I have always found to be sexy as hell, especially on Sexy Man. [Have I ever told you that I'm a sucker for a man with a goatee? Seriously. I don't know why, but I love them!] When he came into the room, he gave me one of his big ol' bear hugs with a yummy kiss, and we just stood there for a few moments holding each other.

I was so nervous about seeing him, because it had been almost a year and a half since we had seen each other, even though we had communicated quite often during that time apart. But during that time apart, I had felt the distance growing between us over the last few months, and I had felt that our time was coming to an end, even though I had hoped with all my heart that wouldn't be the case.

If you remember my last post, one of the reasons I made this trip to Texas was to try to bring closure to our relationship - or at least find out where we stood. At the time, I told myself I would accept what ever happens, and deal with it. What I didn't expect was how things actually happened, or how much it would hurt.

Well, After Sexy Man and I said hello, he waltzed into my room and plopped down on the bed and started talking with me as though there had never been any time apart. We spent two hours laying on that bed talking, catching up on all the things going on in our lives. Actually, that's not completely true - he did most of the talking. He eventually realized that I hadn't been "sharing" much, and asked how things had been going for me. I found it hard to divulge the details of my life over the last year and half, because it has been a very difficult time for me. As soon as I started to tell him what was going on, my eyes filled with tears and I couldn't continue. Thankfully, he didn't push the issue. He already has a pretty good idea of how miserable I am where I am living right now, but he doesn't know too many details. Whenever we would talk on the phone, I always tried to leave my misery out of it. I preferred to keep our conversations positive and up-beat. Anyway...

During our time in my room, we really hadn't been very physically connected. I was actually afraid to touch him, because I was afraid of how he might respond given the distance growing from our time apart. Eventually, I told him that I didn't know if I was allowed to touch him or not, and he told me, "Of course you can touch me!" As if to say I was a silly woman for even thinking that, he pulled me to him and held me and kissed me again. It felt so good to feel his arms around me and to feel his lips against mine after all that time. We stayed like that for a few minutes, hugging, holding each other, and kissing. I wanted so badly to push him back on the bed and have one of those incredible make-out sessions, but I kept myself in check, afraid to go too far. Then I told him how much I had missed him, and shared with him that I had been trying to give him space. He asked if I meant space there in the room, and while I had been trying to give him space there too, I said, "No - I mean space as far as contacting you." He said, "I noticed that you weren't getting in touch as often." Then I said, "Just because you don't hear from me as often doesn't mean I have stopped loving you. I still love you, [Sexy Man]." He responded with, "I know exactly what you mean." We continued to hold each other, and after a few more minutes he suggested we go to the park and take a walk.

[I don't think I ever got around to mentioning the park in the Margarita Memoirs, but Sexy Man and I had many, many memorable moments in that park, so taking a "walk in the park" has special meaning to us. It was one of the only public places we could go to be together without worrying about running into people either one of us knew. And we have had some excellent conversations in the park - among other things. The other public place we would go was the watering hole, but then, we usually had alcohol in our systems there and really didn't give a crap if people saw us or not.]

When we got to the park, I had a flood of happy memories come back to me of our previous times there. Most of all, I felt an incredible feeling of peace wash over me - like I was back where I belonged. I think he felt it too because he hugged me tightly when we got there. Then, as he always did, Sexy Man grabbed my hand and we started taking our walk through park. We talked, we laughed, and we enjoyed our time together holding hands the whole way, but about a quarter of the way through our walk I felt this incredible need for reality check, and I told him that I wanted him in my life - but if he couldn't handle that and still manage his marraige, he needed to tell me. Again, for the second time that day, I choked back tears, and as I said that I braced myself to hear the worst. But instead of saying whether he could or couldn't handle it, he maintained silence. I waited for his response, but rather than insist on a response, I walked silently with him. He never responded to it. He eventually broke the silence with a joke, and we kept walking as though I had never said anything.

We continued our walk through the park, once again enjoying our time together. Of course, there was this issue of my previous comments now in the back of my mind, but this was our first time together in a while, and I really didn't want to spoil it further, so I left it alone for the time being. Then, about three quarters of the way through our walk, Sexy Man says to me, "[Wifey] and I have been together for a lot of years. We have children together. We have a history together." This actually made me angry, because this is not the first time he has said this to me. I pointed this out, stopping him dead in his tracks, while also telling him, "Every time you say that, you make it sound like you are the only one here with a spouse. [Hubby] and I have also been together for a lot of years. We also have a child together. We also have a history together - you are not the only one." His response to that was, "I know - I needed to remind myself, as much as I needed to say it to you."

Once again, we continued our walk, mostly in silence at this point. When we eventually got back to the car, we stood there by the car just holding each other. I laid my head on his chest while he held me, and I told him I always felt so at peace with him. He said, "That's because we have always been so comfortable with each other." Then we got in the car and headed back to my hotel.

When we returned to the hotel, he hugged me and kissed me again, and made a comment about how he needed to get home, because "playing golf in the dark would be hard to explain." Then he told me that he would really like to join us Saturday night, and he'll try to be there. With that, I looked at him and said, "Please don't abandon me, Baby." He said, "I won't." Then he said, "Please go out tonight and enjoy yourself. Please don't sit in your room alone." I promised him that I would find something to occupy my time that night, we kissed again and said goodbye, and then he left.

Now, I have to ask you...does this sound like a man who is about to end a relationship? A part of me recognizes that we were both trying to say things to each other that day that never managed to come out. But still. What we really needed was some time to talk about "us", and as far as I knew, we would get to see each other again, so I wasn't too concerned about trying to get everything out right then and there. Gotta love that hind-sight, because there are so many things I wish I had said to him that day. :( But then, I didn't think it would be the last time we would see each other either.

Given the small momentary strains of our visit that day, I decided to leave Sexy Man alone on Friday, so I didn't contact him. I left him alone on Saturday too, knowing that if he wanted to see me that night he would join us at the watering hole. Well, that afternoon I got a text message from him saying the family had planned a cookout, and he would see what he could do about getting out that evening. I sent him one back saying I hoped he could make it. I knew when I got his text that he wouldn't be out that night, and as expected, the night came and went and no Sexy Man. Even though I knew he probably wouldn't show up, I was still hurt, because I still hoped that just maybe he'd find time to spend with me since my visit was a short one. I had my brief moment of tears over that, but then I let it go and continued to enjoy my time with my friends. (I'll fill you in on the fun later.) Then Sunday came and went. I have always given Sexy Man his Sunday's with his family, so once again I left him alone. Then Monday rolls around.

Now I have gone three days without seeing him, and really not hearing from him except for the text message on Saturday. Come Monday, I only had one day left in town if we were going to spend any more time together because I was leaving the next day. So Monday, around late morning, I sent Sexy Man a text message asking him if he would be able to get together that evening for a drink. A few hours later, late afternoon, I finally heard back from him telling me that he wouldn't be able to make it - giving me some lame excuse that he had some stomach thing going on that the kids gave him. I don't know if he was really sick or not, but I have my suspicions that was only an excuse to get out of seeing me, because I've heard something similar once before. I sent him a text back, letting him know that I was suspicious, but to feel better. Then he asks me when I was leaving. I told him check out was at 11:00, and he said he'd see me in the morning. You can only imagine my dissappointment about not getting to see him that evening. I was definitely getting the impression that he didn't want to see me. I managed to fill my evening visiting friends, and waited patiently for morning to arrive, at the same time, feeling apprehensive about what the morning would bring.

Well, the next morning rolls around, and I start packing up the car to leave. At 10:45 I checked out of the hotel, and I sat in my car in the hotel parking lot waiting for him to stop by. I knew that he took his lunch time at 10:45, so I figured he'd be there about 11:00. 11:00 rolls around, and no Sexy Man in sight. 11:15 rolls around, and still no Sexy Man. I knew at that moment that he wasn't coming. He didn't call or even send a text message, and the disappointment I felt was overwhelming. It was obvious that he was letting go, which broke my heart. What hurts most is that he said nothing. After everything he and I have shared, he was going to let me leave town without even so much as a goodbye. That's when I sent him a text message letting him know how hurt I was.

The following are the text messages that we sent to each other:

[By the way, Sexy Man and I had an agreement that I would never call him, but I could text him all I wanted. His wife found a cell phone bill at one point and started to scrutinize and question "a particular phone number" that was showing up on the bill. To the very end I respected that situation, so that's why I sent him a text instead of calling him. On the flip side, he never hesitated to call me - when he wanted to.]

LL - [11:17 am] I am so hurt, [Sexy Man]. I guess I know how you really feel now. I can’t believe you are choosing to end it this way – that hurts I most of all. – [Lady Lover]

SM - [11:32 am] [Lady Lover]-I’m sorry you are so hurt. My life is a mess now! I have things to work out with my family. Too much stress. I’m sorry baby – I wish you the best. Love [SM]

LL -[11:42 am] All I’ve done is love u. All I’ve asked 4 is honesty & a chance to share the love I thought we had 4 each other. Tell me you don’t love me and I’ll walk away forever.

SM - [11:50 am] I can’t give you the love you want and need. I’m taken. Take care of yourself and thank U for loving me.

LL - [11:56 am] Maybe you should have thought about that before you spent 5 months being the man in my life & telling me you loved me. Don’t thank me – this hurts like hell.

And that was the end of it, and the end of our relationship. I haven't heard from him since, and it is everything I can do to keep myself from writing him an e-mail and pointing out how wrong it was that he couldn't find the time to say goodbye to me in person or by phone. Even worse is that he chose to end our relationship through text messages.

Then there's his comment, "Thank U for loving me" - OMG! Thank you for loving him??? That felt like a slap in the face. It felt like he was patting me on the head like some dog, thanking me for being loyal, and sending my happy "loving" ass on its way!

For two years WE have had a relationship - I wasn't the only one involved here. For two years I have loved this man with every ounce of my being, while believing he loved me too. Difficulties aside, I was under the impression that we cared very deeply for one another. If being married was an issue, then why the hell did he ever start something with me in the first place - or keep it going by making me believe for the last two years that he gave a shit and actually wanted me in his life???

The fact that we are both married to someone else has always been very difficult on both of us. When we first started seeing each other, there was a definite something we both needed in our lives, and we found it in each other. As time passed, as we continued to spend time together, our relationship grew into real love for one another. We both recognized what we found in each other, but because of that, we also struggled terribly with our conscience because of our spouses. So we both tried to hold on to what we had with each other while also staying in our marriages.

I have no doubt that Sexy Man loves me. I also understand why he can't bring himself to leave his wife. He stands to lose a lot if he leaves her. The same holds true if I were to leave my husband. But the truth is that we both almost did leave our spouses so that we could be together. I wasn't the only one "loving" here!

Even through my anger and disbelief, I need to say - before anyone starts judging our situation, you need to know that we never intended to fall in love. I don't think anyone ever really plans on that. Even though what Sexy Man and I had was wrong in so many ways, because neither one of us was ever really available, I have never known anything to feel so right at the same time, and I believe Sexy Man felt that too. But still, when it came down to it, as much as we both wanted to be together, neither one of us could bring ourselves to hurt our spouses by leaving them.

Now here I sit with this huge hole in my heart, and I am so angry that after two years this is how he chose to end it. I miss my Sexy Man. I miss hearing his voice. I miss feeling his touch. I miss my friend, and I miss my lover. And knowing that I will never be able to spend time with him again is more painful than I can possibly express in words. All the while, I am still struggling to make my own marriage work.

This whole thing is so messed up.

A part of me knows this had to end. The other part of me wishes that we could have at least remained friends, because our relationship was about so much more than just sex. The chemistry, the passion, the things we had in common, the compassion and understanding that we had, when we danced it was like floating on air, when we made love it was with mind, body & soul, and the way we were able to talk and laugh together...we could talk about anything and everything, until it came to our personal relationship with each other. Whenever we started to talk about "us", it was always too heartwrenching to discuss, because we both knew deep-down that it could never be more. But everything else that made up the "us" when we were together was amazing and beautiful. Now it is over, and I find that I can't stop loving him, even with this anger I am feeling.

Like I told Mr & Mrs. WS, I guess I got my closure - but that doesn't make it hurt any less. When it came down to it, in my heart I didn't want closure, even with our difficult circumstances. Would it have been better if I had just driven out of town that day without saying a word? Probably not. If I had done that, then I would be sitting here right now hoping for things that would never come. And then I'd be kicking myself for not getting the closure I needed so that I could move on.

I am so angry, and I miss him.

I have told myself a few times over the last few days that I need to forgive him in my heart for handling this the way he did. I have to believe that even as cowardly as it was, the way he handled this, that he still loves me, and that it was as difficult for him to let go as it is for me. Then again, maybe I'm just kidding myself. Maybe I imagined everything? Maybe he never felt for me the way I thought he did? Did I misinterpret his feelings and intentions all this time?

Through all that, I am so frustrated and confused. If this is what he planned on doing, then why did he see me at all? After giving him more than one opportunity to walk away, why didn't he take one of them? Why did he have to choose to make me feel like I meant nothing in the end? I don't understand, and that adds to my heartache.

They say time heals all wounds. Right now I feel myself building this wall around my heart, because this hurts so damn much. I don't ever want to feel this kind of heartache again. I do know that I will keep pushing on, because I have to. I am telling myself that I need to put the focus back on my relationship with Hubby, but I am finding it hard to give him my heart, which isn't fair to him. I am also faced with the fact that I will be moving back to Texas, hopefully in September, and knowing one of the things I loved so much about being there was my Sexy Man. Now Sexy Man is out of the picture, and this will make the move a tough one emotionally. I have to say, Thank the Gods for the wonderful friendships I have down there. If it weren't for my friends who mean the world to me, I would probably never go back. With that in mind, I have decided that somehow I will find forgiveness in my heart for what has happened, before I make this move. I can't go back to Texas with this anger. And I can't dare hope that Sexy Man and I will be able to work this out. I know I have to let this go. The question is how? Is six months enough time to get over the greatest love of my life? Right now, if I could just stop crying, that would be an improvement.

I have pretty much let all my Texas friends know what has happened. They have stated more than once that it was weird to see me with Hubby because they are so used to seeing me with Sexy Man. Now a few of them have asked me if I still plan on moving back to Texas with what has happened. My answer is, Yes, I will still be moving back to Texas. While my love for Sexy Man has been a major part of why I love Texas so much, my love for my friends and the life I had when Sexy Man wasn't "available" is just as important to me as it ever was - now, even more so. I have decided I will not give up my Texas - not for any man! I just need healing time, and I hope you will have patience with me as I am sure to mention Sexy Man in future posts as I work through this.

Thanks for allowing me to share.