My Decision...

After looking at my archive count, I realized that I have only posted to my blog once a month over that last three months. I thought I'd try to break that habit, so here I am. :) Actually, I have decided that I am going to try to post something to my blog at least once a week. My life isn't really all that exciting, particularly right now, but who knows...I'm sure with all the things swimming around in my head, I can manage to find something to talk about. For this post, we'll start with this past Saturday evening.

I'm sure I have mentioned that I am into the motorcycle scene. I absolutely LOVE riding motorcycles. If you have never been on one, but you're into the whole freedom-loving, nature-loving lifestyle, then I highly recommend trying it out. There's just something about being on a motorcycle - the power of the engine beneath you; the freedom of the ride; the feeling of the wind against your body; the connection and experience with nature that you can't get from riding in a car; even the vulnerability that exists, as well as the dangers...it's both a rush and a serene experience all at the same time - not to mention just plain old fun!

Well, Saturday while I was at work, I went out to smoke a cigarette towards the end of the day, and while I'm out there, Hubby drives up on his motorcycle and parks next to me. It was a beautiful day out, which has been a rarity around here. As soon as I saw Hubby on the bike, I just knew that when I got off of work I would have to insist that Hubby take me for a ride before the sun went down. He agreed, so when I got off work I immediately went home, got into my gear, and off we went. :)

It really was a beautiful evening for a ride! The air had a bit of a bite to it, but with my leathers on, it was more than bearable. And it wasn't too windy out either, which made for perfect riding. (When you're going 70 mph on a motorcycle, and the wind is whipping at you from the sides at 40 mph across open fields, the ride becomes interesting to say the least as you try to keep your bike steady while fighting with the wind at the same time.) Windy days are usually a given around here, so it was nice to have my first ride of the season be a calm one, lol - Anyway...

Where I live, there really aren't too many options for destinations. Anything good is going to be at least two hours away, so if you 'just want to go for a ride', the routes are limited. When we hopped on the bike that evening, Hubby asked me which route I wanted to go, and after thinking about it, I told him, "let's just go to the country bar for a little bit". He agreed, and we hit the road. (The country bar is about 20 minutes away so it wasn't too far, and we wouldn't risk getting caught out at night, which is something we try to avoid.)

When we got to the country bar the band was already playing. This was about 5:30, so I thought the band was actually early that night, because they don't usually start playing until 8-8:30. Then I rememered that on Saturday evenings the band of the week has a jam session where anyone can join the band with their own personal instruments or vocals. It actually turned out to be the most enjoyable hour and half that Hubby and I have had in a while. Since we haven't been to the country bar in two months, we lucked out that the band of the week was pretty damn good. Then to add to the enjoyment, those individuals who 'jammed' with the band turned out to be pretty damn good too! We were impressed - as everyone on the stage managed to crank out anything from Pink Floyd to country to the Blues, we had a hard time figuring out who was actually in the band, and who was only there for the jam session.

Hubby tried to talk me into getting up there too, but I had to say no. I love to sing. When I was in Texas, I was the primary vocals in a garage band (I think I've mentioned that before). The thought of singing with a band again tempted me terribly, but I decided against it. Since I am only just getting over the flu and just getting my speaking voice back, I really didn't think it was a good idea to try to belt out any tunes just yet, lol. But I have to say again...it was sooooo tempting. I miss singing with a band. It is so much different than singing karaoke. Ah well, maybe next time. The jam session was over about 7:30-ish, so Hubby and I took off and headed home, where I fixed dinner and then Hubby headed to bed.

Then I worked again on Sunday. When I got home, Hubby was still at work, so I laid down to take a nap. (Oh, I guess I forgot to mention, Hubby started working 12 hour shifts on Sunday. It's only for a week or so.) Well, I guess I must have really needed that nap, because I laid down at 4:45 and didn't wake up until 9:30. Doh! When I woke up, I went downstairs, and just as I was about to give Hubby a hug, he says to me in a really pissy tone, "I'm going to bed." I asked what was wrong, and he says to me, "I just wanted to spend some time with my wife and have dinner. I just had some crackers, now I'm going to bed." What the hell?? I said, "Why didn't you wake me up?" He says, "Because you were sleeping pretty hard." I said, "You should have woke me up." He says again in a really pissy tone, "Why bother." OMG! So the alternative is to be an ass about it? And did you notice the comment about the "crackers" for dinner? He's going to get shitty with me because he couldn't get off his ass and fix himself something besides crackers for dinner? I don't think so! He's a grown man, and it wouldn't the be first time he fended for himself. Geez! Needless to say, I spent the next hour stewing over the whole stupid ordeal. I'm still trying to figure out what the hell that was all about. I refuse to be a kitchen slave, and he knows it. I also don't play slave to victims either. It was a bullshit moment, and today I told him so. After apologizing for the night before, he gets all cozy with me and tells me he wants to roll around naked with me. Uh...no. He went to bed about an hour ago, by himself. Nighty-night!

Now I'm sitting here alone, yet again. I hate this solitude. And because Hubby is on 12 hour shifts all week, I will spend my days by myself, and then by 9:00 pm, I will be left alone yet again because he'll be in bed. Might I add, his 9 pm bedtime is not unusual. He's generally in bed by 9:00 whether he's working 12's or not. *sighs* I think tomorrow I will go downtown and get my nails done, and maybe go to the country bar to see what kind of trouble I can get into, hehe! If I'm not mistaken, Biker Dude plays pool on Tuesday nights (she says with a devilish grin!)

You may think by that last comment that I'm getting over my recent heartbreak. No, I'm still dealing with it, and probably will be for a while. But I have made a decision...

Several months ago I started making a scrapbook album of my time with Sexy Man. The idea was to give it to him when I moved back to Texas as a gift. Well, when Sexy Man and I had our few hours together recently, we had spent some time looking at photos I had stored on my computer from when I lived down there before. During the few minutes we were looking at photos, I had asked him whether he remembered a particular moment, and he commented, "Women have such better memories than men." When he said that, I knew that I needed to finish the scrapbook to give to him. Then our relationship ended, and now I have this gift for him staring at me, so I've decided to go ahead and finish it, and still give it to him when I move back to Texas. How I am actually going to get it to him will prove to be interesting, since I really don't want to see him, particularly right now. But maybe by then I'll be able to handle it. Who knows.

Why would I do something so crazy as to finish this scrapbook for him? I've asked myself that a couple of times, and the only thing I can come up with is that I think working on it might be a healing outlet for me in some wierd way. I don't know. If it proves to be too much for me emotionally, then maybe I'll just burn the damn thing. Again, I don't know. It just seems to me if I intended it to go to him, then I still think he should have it. Besides, a lot of love and hard work has gone into this damn thing. And if truth be told, I think he needs to remember what we shared. Then maybe he'll see how wrong it was to end things the way he did. Not that I want to start things back up with him, honestly. At this particular moment, I really don't. I don't think I can bring myself to go through all that again. But I still want him to have this scrapbook.

While I'm telling you about this scrapbook, now would also be a good time to share with you that while I was visiting Mr. & Mrs. WS, Mrs. WS had shared a scrapbook she made of our good times at the watering hole before we all moved. I loved seeing our time together through her eyes. The only thing was, it had only been two days since my break-up with Sexy Man, and of course there were photos in there of me and Sexy Man. At the time, seeing those photos hit me really hard, for obvious reasons, and I was overwhelmed with tears. I don't know why I hadn't braced myself for those photos, because Sexy Man was as much a part of those good times as anyone else who used to hang out with us. Later on the irony hit me about my own scrapbook. After looking at hers, I wasn't so sure I'd be able to finish the one I had started for Sexy Man. I couldn't even open mine until today. But then today I decided to pull it out and just look at it. I managed to do so without crying, although I felt a real heaviness in my heart looking at those pictures. After looking at my scrapbook today, that's when I decided that I needed to finish it. If I could look at it today without crying, then maybe six months from now I'll be able to look at it with fond memories, instead of with heartache.

So anyway, there you have my decision. As far as going out tomorrow night goes, Mrs. WS said to me not too long ago, "the best way to get over someone is to find someone new." So I am going to take her word on that, and go out tomorrow night to see if I can strike up a little fun! What do I have to lose, right? I'll keep you "posted"! ;)