The sign says, "OUT OF ORDER"

What happened to the days when life was actually fun?

I have been having a miserable time the last several weeks. It all started with that damn trip to the Mall of America, after I came back from my trip to Texas. Mind you, the trip to 'THE MALL" was a good time, but while we were there I ended having a serious shoulder issue, which I have now found out is severe tendinitis. So now I am in physical therapy for my shoulder...again. Today was the first day of PT, and she is starting me out with mild exercises, but my shoulder hurts and is feeling it big time tonight. *whimpers*

Also while we were at the mall, I ended up getting my period. (Hey, my blog is titled "As Real As It Gets", so if that's too much for ya, I might suggest reading another blog, LOL!) Anyway, it was a really bad one as periods go. I won't get into the details about it, because as real as it gets, it's just gross to go much further, LOL. Well, that one ended, kinda sorta, but I only got about two weeks break before the next one started up. Yes, they are only supposed to come about every 28 days or so, so two weeks was way too soon.

When it started again, it was worse than the last time. So bad, in fact, that I ended up in the emergency room because I was bleeding profusely. I was also experiencing really bad dizziness, to the point that I couldn't stand up without feeling like I was going to pass out. They ran blood tests to check my hemoglobin levels and make sure I wasn't having a miscarraige, and they did an ultra sound to get a look-see. In the process, they discovered that I wasn't pregnant, but I have several fibroids in my uterus, which can apparently cause really bad periods.

Now, to the men out there, I know it is hard for you imagine what a woman must go through on a monthly basis. For those of you who might be in a long term relationship, you'll probably have at least an inkling based on your sweethearts monthly mood changes and her intimate moments with a heating pad, chocolate, and salty foods, lol. While that might sound like a cozy picnic, it really isn't. Hubby asked me one time what menstrual cramps felt like. The best way I can describe it where a man might be able to understand is to say, remember what it feels like to have stomach cramps when you're having tummy issues? Now imagine having to deal with that for three to four days straight. His reaction was, "no thanks." LOL! And I can't say as I blame him. I would gladly give up this monthly ritual if I could. Actually, that might be the case for me.

Well, the fibroids they found prompted my gynocologist to do an endrometrial biopsy this past Friday. That's when they go through the cervix, into the uterus and take tissue samples to check for cancer. To say that is a painful procedure would be the understatement of the Century. First you have to endure the insertion of a 12-inch long narrow tube through your cervix and into the uterus, which is as painful as the biopsy itself. Then you have to lay perfectly still while they take the tissue samples. Let me tell you quite frankly, I NEVER want to go through that again!!! I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. I was crying like a baby and begging the doctor to be done, and that's after she even tried to numb my uterus with lidocain. I can't fathom what it would have been like without the lidocain.

When the procedure was done the doctor actually had the audacity to tell me, "no sex for at least a week." Just to set the record straight, as of right now I haven't had sex in six weeks. And after a procedure like that, sex was the LAST thing on my mind. She even gave Hubby a look that said, "NO SEX! UNDERSTAND?!" lol Yes, Hubby was with me during the procedure, which is done right there in the doctors office. He actually held my hand during the biopsy, which I was grateful for. Afterwards, all he could say was, "Thank God I'm not a woman." Needless to say, I think he gained a whole new perspective on what women go through. Of course, I could have gone without seeing the "holy shit" look on his face while he was watching the procedure, but I am still glad he was there. Now I am just waiting for the test results, which they said should take a week and a half to two weeks. Merry Christmas. Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

After almost three weeks of bleeding, the bleeding FINALLY stopped this past Tuesday. They have me taking Provera for ten days, by the end of which I've been told to brace myself for the worst period I've ever had. Swell. After the last six weeks, I can only imagine what I'm in for.

Now, check this out...

On Tuesday I was laying down getting ready to take a nap. Hubby came home early from work and laid down with me. We were spooning. All the sudden my hormones went into overdrive. I swear it's because of the Provera, but I got horny as hell. Of course, I'm not allowed to have sex yet, so all we could do was lay there talking about how horny we were. It was such a bummer.

Then, last night was ladies night at my local haunt. Hubby has jokingly dubbed it, "Lady-Laid Night", LOL! Anyway, I have been told not to drink alcohol right now because it thins the blood, so when I went out last night, I volunteered to be designated driver for anyone interested, and me and a few girlfriends went out.

Here's a little bit of a back story for you...

Last year, (yes, I said last year) I had an "intimate moment" with this guy I call "Biker Dude" (during my kissing spree moment). Biker Dude and I have never had intercourse, but during one night last year, we had quite the good time otherwise, and I left him driving home with a smile on his face that would tickle anyone. *grins* After that night, we tried several times to hook up again, but things just never seemed to work out for one reason or another. Well, over the course of this past year, he and I have actually become good friends, and in the process he ended up having some serious health issues of his own, which sadly also in the process, killed his sex drive. For the longest time until then, he and I would tease each other mercilessly when we we met up at the bar, always saying that we were going to tear each other's clothes off at the first good chance we got. That chance never came, and then his sex drive went out the window.

For the last four or five months when we would see each other, it was on a friendly level - always huggy-kissy, but no teasing with the heavy sexual innuendos. I always let him know that I thought he was still sexy, with a "wink-wink*, but his reactions were lacking enthusiasm anymore. After a while, I backed off, eventually asking him what happened to the "fun". That's when he confessed his lack of interest in sex, which had to do with his illness. From that point on, I stopped being the playmate, and I became the friend. And that was okay, because I have started to care about this guy as a close friend, and I love all my close friends dearly. Basically, I had settled on the fact that he and I would never "go there" again.

So last night, like I said, was ladies night. Biker Dude was there working. (He works there part-time as a bouncer.) When I saw him, we gave each other the usual ritual huggy-kissy, but then the damndest thing happened. He actually gave me one of those sexy growls in my ear, then told me how hot I looked and how he wanted to ravish me. Oh my!!! Could it be that my Biker Dude playmate had returned?

Throughout the night, every time we got close to each other, he would grab me and hug me and whisper sexy naughties into my ear. Keeping in mind that I wasn't drinking, but he was, all I kept thinking was it must be the alcohol...he's just drunk and only THINKS he's horny, lol, because he'd made it pretty obvious in the last few months that he wasn't interested. Then towards the end of the night, he tells me he needs a ride home, because he's had too much to drink. Now I'm thinking, great! I get to carry his drunk ass into his house, and explain to his wife that I'm just a friendly taxi ride. Oh, did I forget to mention the fact that he's married? Yeah, that was actually part of the reason we were never able to get together after that one night. That and he was one of a few friends who got DUI's last year, and that caused all kinds of "hook up" issues. Okay, so I tell Biker Dude there are no worries - I'll be sure he gets home safe and sound.

On the way home, it was just the two of us, and he asks me to pull over into this parking lot. So I pull over, and he starts telling me the doctors have him on this new medication, and he has his sex drive back. Then he tells me how much he has thought about me over the last year, and how much he wished he could have been sparked enough to take me somewhere and ravish me. (There's that word again, "ravish" - I kinda like it. *grins*) Then he proceeds to telling me how badly he wants me right then and there, and he kisses me like he is really really hungry for me. (Uh, have I mentioned the word "tingle"?! Cause that kiss made me tingle something fierce!!) All that teasing and temptation came rushing back, and all I wanted him to do was RAVISH ME!

We made out like there was no tomorrow for about 15 minutes. All the while, the tingles were screaming at me! Then it all came rushing back to me - kinda like a ton of bricks dropping on my head. I can't have sex right now.

I can't begin to tell you how bummed out I was. Then, of course, I had to break the news to him, all the while thinking how damned-the-luck ironic it was that his sex drive comes back in full force at the same time I'm going through all these female issues. Talk about sexual frustration. *sighs* So, I told him the news, and as expected, he was really dissappointed. Then he kissed me one last time and I drove him home.

I don't know when I'll see Biker Dude again, but I'm looking forward to our next huggy-kissy moment. I can only hope, when the time comes, that we are both in good working order. ;)

xoxo

Like, OMG!

Where do I begin? I suppose 'where I left off' would be a good place, huh? ;) I believe that would be the subject of Hubby's possible retirement.

So...We went to that retirement briefing the Thursday before Thanksgiving. Now there's an eye opener for you. If you are military, and you are getting close to the retirement point, even if it's a few years away, I STRONGLY recommend that you attend the T.A.M.P. briefing! You are required to attend it anyway, but most people don't bother going until the last minute, just before they retire. The briefing is good for 2 years, so if you have two years to go before you plan to retire, go now. Really. There is information provided in that briefing that YOU NEED TO KNOW, and having that information well in advance can really help you to plan your future.

Like I said, Hubby and I attended the briefing. Afterwards, we were in total shock over the upcoming expenses, if we wish to maintain what we have now through the military. Retirement check, my ass! What it boiled down to is that we are not financially prepared for him to retire from the military. There are a lot of factors that cumulatively make up the reasons for that assessment, and everyone's circumstances are going to be different. But for us, if he gets out next year, our life will change drastically from a financial perspective, and not in a good way.

With this new information in hand, I did some financial forecasts based on the possibilities, and presented them to Hubby. Keep in mind that he basically knows nothing about our finances, except for what I tell him, and that's his personal choice. Try as I may, I just can't get him interested in our finances. He doesn't want to deal with the responsibility of bills, etc. Personally, I think its really sad. If something were to happen to me, he would be completely clueless. Anyway, when I gave him the financial facts, it was an added kick in the ass to him, because I forced him to take a good look at our bills. Even if he doesn't want to take an active daily interest in where our money goes, I think he needs to know at least the bottom line.

Well, once the finances were laid out in front of him, I told him that we had two choices: 1) Retire and brace ourselves, because the life we know now will be gone. We simply won't be able to afford the lifestyle we have become used to. Or 2) Stay in a few more years, and prepare better for life out of the military. Pay down some debt while we can really afford to do so, and get his bachelor's degree so that when he gets out, he will be more marketable for the kind of income we need to at least maintain our lifestyle. You can only imagine his reaction to the choices. Needless to say, he wasn't happy.

See, Hubby doesn't think about shit like that. He's really good at being frugal, and it's a good thing too, because I like to spend money, so he keeps me in check, most of the time. But on the other hand, he's also lets me buy whatever I want, because he thinks it keeps me happy, so there are plenty of times when I have to keep myself in check. It's a delicate balancing act. There's plenty of stuff I'd love to have, but I often have to weigh the needs against the wants. And as frugal as Hubby can be sometimes, he can also spend some serious money. For instance, within the few weeks before we went to this briefing, Hubby got a new cellphone, a new iPod, AND a new computer. We won't even mention our trip to the Mall of America. Does he think we just pull money out of our asses to afford that kind of stuff? Whether we pay cash or buy it on credit, it still needs to be paid in full somehow, even if it's through monthly payment.

In case you can't tell, I'm more than slightly frustrated with finances and Hubby's lack of interest in them. More than once I have asked him to take over, but he refuses, so I'm the one that has to deal with the frustrations, stress, and monthly pain-in-the-ass ritual of getting them paid.

The following few days after the briefing, the tension in our house was terrible. Neither one of us was really speaking, and when we did talk, it wasn't pretty. I am stressing because I know the financial reality if he retires. And was pissed off, because all he wants to do is get away from the base we are stationed at. Sadly, that's what it all boils down to. He hates it here with every fiber of his being. What he fails to realize is that I do too. But I'm not willing to throw our financial comfort in the garbage just to escape this duty station.

I don't understand my Husband. One night we got into a huge fight over this whole ordeal. All he kept saying was he hates this f*ing place, and just wants out. Again, "this place". I have asked him several times to please see what he can do to get us reassigned. He always claims that he has no control over getting reassigned, and I think that's total bullshit. We are not on a controlled tour here. And people we know are getting orders every time we turn around. I know he can access the military website where they are always looking to fill different positions all over the world. So I ask him to please check that website regularly, just to see if anything might come available that he qualifies for and can apply for. But does he check it regularly? No. As far as I know, as of right now, he hasn't checked it in at least two months. But he'll bitch and complain daily that he's still here. Does that make sense to you?

It's like he has no motivation to do anything to better his world. His perfect world consists of sitting in his office, messing around on the computer playing games, and listening to his music. Oh, and he faithfully sits in front of the T.V. nightly between 5:30 and 6:30. And if he can get laid, it's like the icing on the cake. Honestly, it's like he believes his only responsibility in life is to go to work every day. Beyond that, he doesn't want to deal with anything else.

One night, about a week ago, he went on this rampage about how he has made all the wrong choices in his life. It was a pity party if I've ever seen one. I watched and listened silently, while he kicked himself in the ass for every choice he has ever made. It was pretty sad. Thankfully, the only thing positive he had to say was that I was the only thing that kept him going. Good timing too, because I was bracing myself for him to blurt out marrying me as one of his bad decisions. I tried to be even more patient after that, while he continued his rant. Eventually, I got fed up with it. Hey, a person can only take so much.

It is times like this that I want to leave his ass in the dust, and move on with my life, but that wouldn't be very wifely of me, would it? I am so sick of all his bitching and complaining about his life. Several times over the last year he has stated that he, and I quote, "hates his life". He says it with such anger and disgust. I can never help but feel like I'm included in that mix of hatred. I always tell him to be careful about how he says that, because I feel like I'm included in that. Then he will always tell me that I'm the only good thing in his life.

Well, after listening to him rant for almost an hour about how he hates his life, and all his bad decisions, it was my turn to say something. What I wanted to say was, "Get over it." Instead, I said, as gently and lovingly as I could, that he needs to change his focus. Ironically, he has always told me that there is no sense looking at the past, because it's over and done with and can't be changed. So I pointed this out to him, and then told him what matters is the here and now, and what he can do to make changes for the future. I told him that a year from now he could either still be kicking himself in the ass for yet even more bad decisions, OR he can try to make some good decisions now, and be happier for them next year. I also told him that the plan, before he made this decision to retire, was to stay in at least 22 years, better if he made it to the 24 year mark, because of the major difference it would make in his retirement pay. The "plan" was that he wouldn't retire until he made Master Sergent and wore that stripe for three years, because that would also make a substantial difference in his retirement check. I told him how I wasn't asking him to stay in forever, but just until his 24 years, max. After that, he can retire, regardless of where we are financially. (Of course, I'm cringing inside while I'm saying this, because the thought of doing another 5 years at this base is like a knife wound in the belly, but I'm trying to be responsible about all this.) Then I suggested again that he change his focus, and maybe see what he can do to get his Bachelor's degree, which would also help him to pass the time in this God-Forsaken place.

Through this whole process, you have to remember that it was only a year ago that I decided I was going to stay with my husband, and make the best of our life together. For me, the important thing is that we are together, no matter where the togetherness takes place. Honestly, I still struggle with that decision a lot, but I keep telling myself its the right thing to do, even if Hubby makes that a difficult choice on a daily basis. So in the process of my turn to talk, I told him that he needs to remember that we are together, and that's the important thing. I would rather us be together struggling through the remainder of our time here, knowing that it will be better for us in the end, than leave here hoping to find our pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, only to discover that we can't afford to live "happily everafter". This obviously didn't sit well with him, because he got up and walked away. And we haven't discussed it since then.

Yes, he hates it here that much. And yes, I think he forgets that I hate here "that much" too. But there is some good news, in my opinion. The next day Hubby went to the education office to see about that Bachelor's degree. So I am assuming that he is starting to at least weigh his options. He is supposed to have an appointment to go back and see them sometime this week, to see what they have to say. Meanwhile, I'm just sitting here waiting for the next talk about retirement. Oh the thrill, she says with a sigh.

xoxo

Feeling Really Blah

Did you ever have "one of those of days"? Today has been one of those days for me. *sighs*

Let's see...it started yesterday, actually. When I got home from work, I was really tired, so I decided to lay down for a nap. That was at 4:30 in the afternoon. My nap lasted until 1:30 the this morning. I'd say 9 hours constitutes a really good nap! lol As you can probably imagine, by the time I woke up, I was rarin' to go to start my day. First things first: Coffee! Next up: Shower. Third on the morning kick-start list: Turn on the computer and see if I can actually get something accomplished today.

As you may or may not know, I am a Web-Mistress - meaning I build and maintain my own website. I have had this website for about 8 years in various venues. About 3 years ago I decided to purchase my own domain and find a good reliable web host. Once that task was accomplished, I began the major endevour of rebuilding my site from the ground up. That, my friends, is no easy task. I have painstakingly written code after code (because I'm stubborn that way, and it gives me more control if something goes wrong), designed my own graphics, not to mention the content that needed to be placed on my site. Many hours have gone into my website over the last 8 years, but it still needs a lot of work to make it a worthwhile site.

The last two years have not really been very mentally condusive to working on my site. Focus and concentration have been lacking, for various reasons. With that being said, I really haven't accomplished much on my website over the last few years. I actually considered letting my domain go, and giving up the web-mistress thing, because it has pretty much laid dormant, with only the occasional visitor sending me e-mails commenting on the fact that it is in serious need of updating.

Well, a few weeks ago I decided to surf over to my site and do a little work on it. One of the things I've really wanted to do for my site is add a blog to it. Most of the content on my site is 'read-only', and I wanted to add a way for people to interact. Before I became the head case that I have been, lol, I had actually found a blog program to add to my site. It was one of those 'ready to go, just install' programs, so I had installed it, and then spent several hours going through the code to customize it to my site. So, like I said, I surfed over to my site a few weeks ago to do a little updating. When I got to my blog, I couldn't remember my password. Eek!

Okay, so the logical step is to click that little link that says "Forgot password?" So I click the link, wait for the infamous email that sends me my password, and then get ready to get my password and move on. But wouldn't you know it? There's a glitch with the program I installed, and all I get in the e-mail is a bunch of garbled code. So, my goal for today was go into my SQL database and see if I can retrieve my password. This is the start of a bad day.

This morning, as I'm searching through my database files, I realize that I won't be able to retrieve my password that way either. This leads me to having to delete my database files and the program all together if I ever want to use that blog. So, the next logical step is save all the files that I have worked on previously, to try to save myself some time. I deleted the files afterwards, and went to reinstall an updated version of the program, so I wouldn't have password issues in the future. I was really bummed at having to delete the old version. It looked damn good, if I do say so myself. :) But sometimes, ya just gotta do what ya just gotta do.

After installing the newer version, and finding that the programmers had made a lot of improvements, I went into the code files to start fixing the blog up to match my site again. I'm thinking to myself, this shouldn't take very long, since I saved all the important code from the previous version, right? Yeah, right. They've made so many changes to the program, that I literally have to start all over with the code. *sighs* But at least I have a password now. I worked on that code from 2:30 am to 9:30 am today. 7 gruelling hours of my head spinning, while I tried to figure out what was what, and I still didn't accomplish much.

Then, at 9:30 this morning, I get a call from Hubby asking me if I want to go to breakfast downtown. I was starving and really could use the break, so I said yes. He came home and we headed downtown.

After breakfast, I needed to stop my Penny's to pick up a pair of clogs I had ordered. (Yes, I finally found my clogs! Yay! LoL) But when I get to the catalog department to pick them up, the lady tells me in a not so friendly tone that the delivery truck broke down and they won't be here until tomorrow. I was a little irritated at her attitude, but I walked away and said I'd be back tomorrow.

Then I tell Hubby that I really need to get my nails done, so we head over to the nail place, and Hubby drops me off. I go into the nail place, only to be told, and I quote: "You need to come back. I can't do you right now." That was it. No explanation beyond that. That irritated me a little more, especially since I'm a very loyal customer. And I tip good, damn it. At least ask me if I "mind" coming back later, or something a little more friendly. Don't just tell me to leave.

Okay, so now I'm getting a bit grumpy. I called Hubby to come back and pick me up. Then I tell him that I really want my nails done, and there's this place I heard about. "Let's try there", I say. So like a good Hubby, he takes me over there. While I'm in there, I tell the Lady what I want. I'm really in need of a new set, so I say that, and she looks at me cross-eyed and tells me they don't do that there. All they do is fills, and they never put on "new sets". Then she throws at me that she's been in the industry for 23 years. Don't pull rank on my ass like that. I've been in the industry for 25, and I told her so. Then I pointed out that sometimes it is necessary to take off the old acrylic and apply new, and that is what I wanted done. She starts arguing with me that all I need is a fill. Does this woman get it? I don't want a frickin' fill! I want a new set! Then I ask her how much. She tells me their prices and I about fell to the floor! Needless to say, I walked out of there mumbling under my breath, got into the car and told Hubby to take me home.

By this time, I'm tired and pissed off. It's about 1:00 in the afternoon, so I had been up for almost twelve hours. I was ready for another nap, but I had one more thing I needed to do yet, and that was to call Apple Computers about my iPod. My iPod had been glitching really bad lately.I knew something was wrong with the hard drive, so I called Apple to see what they recommended. I explain to the Apple representative about the issues I've been experiencing with my iPod, and without giving it much thought, in my opinion, the rep tells me, "It sounds like your hard drive has crashed. If you would like us to fix it, that will be $249.00." OMG! Are you kidding me??? That's the price of a new iPod! And the only reason I know that is because we just bought one for Hubby last week! I can neither afford to buy another iPod right now, nor pay to have this one fixed, which at this point seems completely senseless, since the new ones are so much more advanced. The only thought going through my mind at this point, is "screw this shit. I'm going to take a nap." So that's what I did. I laid down and took a 3 hour nap.

When I got up from my nap, my iPod odyssey continued, as I un-installed and reinstalled my iPod & iTunes programs. Then tried, to no avail, to restore my iPod to factory settings, but my iPod program keeps telling me something about it being the wrong version or some shit.

Well, there ya have it. That's been my day. In the end, I got nothing accomplished, except for to bitch here in this blog, lol. That being said, I'm done for the day, and now I'm going to veg out in front of the computer playing solitaire, until I feel another "nap" coming on, LOL!

xoxo

A New Life Ahead

Hubby and I had a talk last night. It seems he has made the decision to retire from the military next year.

I am not sure how I feel about his decision. On one hand, I want this part of our life over with. I'm tired of living with the military b.s., and we already know how much I hate living where we are. On the other hand, I'm scared of what the future might hold. We have worked long and hard to get to where we are financially, and my worst nightmare is that we will end up moving backwards instead forward financially.

There are so many things to consider in making this decision - most of which have to do with money. I am a little bothered by the fact that Hubby is making this decision without considering how I feel about it, or the financial impact it could have on us. He is so terribly miserable, both with his job, and with the military in general. While I can completely understand and sympathize with where he's coming from in that respect, I don't think he realizes the simple fact that a job is a job. And the only difference he faces by retiring is that he'll go from working active duty military, to working for the military as a civilian. Either way, he'll still be working for the military. As for the difference in paychecks, it's hard to say right now if it will make that much difference financially. When you add that we will have to start paying for our medical insurance, and we will no longer have free housing or a housing allowance, those are big chunks of money that will have to come from somewhere. Even though he'll be receiving a retirement check, that check won't cover the funds necessary to put a roof over our head and pay for our health insurance. Not to mention the bills.

Then there is the upside to all this, and that is that I will be able to move back to Texas! That's the exciting part, but I have to look at the practical side of all this too, and that, of course, is the money.

I'm a little stressed about all this right now. With this shoulder thing I've been dealing with, and then Hubby springing his intentions to retire on me, I'm feeling somewhat overwhelmed.

Over the next month we will be attending four retirement information meetings. I only hope, in the end, Hubby will be able to put aside his misery long enough to make a practical and responsible decision about getting out.

I'm sure this isn't the last you'll be reading about this. But for now, I'm heading to bed. My head hurts from all of this.

xoxo

La-La Land

Holy crap! It amazes me how such a little pill can have such a big impact!

Today I went for my MRI retake. Only this time I took one of those little "happy pills" the doc gave me. I am "happy" to report that I made it through the MRI - YAY! I still had issues, like this nawing feeling like I wanted out of there really bad, but then I really didn't care at the same time. Then I proceeded to come home and sleep for 5 hours. That little pill definitely did its job. It kind of makes you feel like you're drunk, lol. I had to take a practice pill last night, because the doc wanted me to see how I did on it. That was kind of fun, actually. How often does a doctor tell you to just take one to test your reaction? Hubby was laughin' his ass off at me! I do have to say, I don't think I would want to take that little white pill unless I really have to.

Personally, I'm not a pill person. I hate taking meds if I can really avoid it. Hubby calls me "the pharmacy" because I have so many prescriptions, and I always end up having lots of pills left that go to waste. I don't like taking anything unless I really have to. I try telling the doctors that, but for some reason they always give me more than I need. Ah well. In this particular case it was necessary, but I'm really glad its over. Hopefully the end result, the test results, will show no major issues with my shoulder. Then I can be done with this issue and move on.

xoxo

Claustrophobia

I can't help wondering why shit always happens to me. *sighs* After last years fiasco of health issues and four surgeries, I was finally starting to enjoy some good health for a change. Then I have to do some stupid aerobics tricks in my sleep and screw up my shoulder again. Honest to goodness, I don't know what I did, but my shoulder still hurts like hell. I went to my primary doctor on Monday for a follow-up appointment about it, and his conclusion is that he thinks it might be a bad case of tendinitis. I'm really hoping he's right, because the thought of yet another shoulder surgery doesn't make me a happy camper. But then he says, just to be on the safe side, why don't we do an MRI on it. Swell. Then he proceeds to give me a steroid/pain killer combo shot in my shoulder, which I might add HURT LIKE SHIT, then he tells me again he really thinks it's just tendinitis.

So...yesterday I went for the MRI on my shoulder. This isn't the first time I have had an MRI. I've actually had four of them. So I'm thinking to myself, '15 minutes stuck in this tube and then it will be over with. I should be a pro at them by now, right?' I wish.

The Tech preps me for the MRI, and no sooner am I slid into the "tunnel" when, without warning, I start feeling like I can't breathe and it feels like my whole world is caving in on me. Holy shit! I had a freakin' panic attack! That's an experience I wouldn't wish on anybody! Of course, the Tech pulled me out of the machine, pronto, and I sit up, white as a ghost, and I tell the Tech to just give me a few minutes to get my bearings and catch my breath. After about 5 minutes I start to lay back down so he can prep me again, and I started having another panic attack!

I have always been a little claustrophobic. For instance, when I go to bed at night, I can't sleep face to face with Hubby. No big deal, I just face the other way. The MRI machine has previously bothered me a little bit because it's such an enclosed space, but never to this degree. Damn! Just thinking about it right now has my heart racing again. I've been kind of a basket case over this since yesterday. I had a really hard time sleeping last night because of thoughts of that damn tunnel and the feeling like I can't breathe.

Well, the end result is that I didn't have the MRI done yesterday because of two panic attacks. The Tech suggested I talk to my Dr., which I did, and now I am rescheduled for another MRI on Monday. Only this time I will be drugged with Xanax. (Not sure of the spelling, lol) Basically, it's an anti-anxiety med that's supposed to relax me to the point that I won't care.

I feel like such a ninny! What's wrong with me that I can't handle 15 minutes in an MRI machine??? But when it comes down to it, I'm really not looking forward to Monday, and I pray with all I have that the drug they're giving me will knock my ass out completely. Otherwise, I don't think I can go through with it. That sounds so damn silly! But everytime I think about it, I feel like I can't breathe. This is just crazy.

Okay, I need to think about something else...let's see...oh! Halloween! *grins* Happy belated Halloween to everyone! Hubby and I got dressed up for the festivities and headed to my favorite local watering hole. Getting Hubby to dress up and go out with me that night was like pulling teeth, but I pushed the issue with him this year because it's one of my favorite times of year. But then, don't you know, when we got there Hubby sat down in his seat, and the only time he moved was when I made him slow dance with me to one song. Aside from that, Hubby sat in the same seat for 4 hours. The man didn't even get up to go to the bathroom while we were there. Just sitting there all night drives me a little bonkers, so I would get up every once in a while and be a social butterfly. But then I'd feel bad that Hubby was sitting alone, so I'd return to sit with him for a little bit more. I can't really say it was the best Halloween in my history, but it beats last year. Last year we carved a pumpkin, went to WalMart, then went home and went to bed early.

In case you haven't figured it out, Hubby really isn't much of a party animal. That's pretty much why I go out alone. It does bum me out sometimes, but then again, I'd rather go alone than feel guilty for socializing all night and leaving him sitting there alone.

Okay, the vicodin is kicking in and I have to work in the morning. Sweet Dreams!

xoxo

By Special Request...

Okay, so it's definitely been a while. A little over two months to be exact. It is never my intention to let so much time go inbetween posts - honest. I actually have many times where I start thinking about things I can write about, then shit happens and I never get to write any of it. Well, a few weeks ago I made a trip to my beloved Texas. While I was there, Mr. WS commented on the fact that I don't post often anymore, but that he does read them when I do. So I told him I would make more of an effort to post on a regular basis so he'll have something to read when he visits my blog. So...Mr. WS, this one's for you! ;)

First I have to tell you that I am currently the "one-armed bandit" :( Yes, that means I am typing with one hand, so this may take a while, lol. This past week Hubby and I made a trip to Minnesota to go to the Mall of America. We decided to take one last mini-vacation before the severe cold weather hits and we have to settle in for our "long winter's nap". Anyway, while we were in Minnesota, I woke up one morning with a really sore shoulder. Right in the middle of our trip, I spent a not-so-lovely four hours in a VA Hospital emergency room because of it. Turns out there are no broken bones, but 5 days later I still can't lift my arm, and I'm in a lot of pain. Pain meds are great! But I have a feeling I screwed up my rotator cuff again, possibly tearing the muscle. I can't begin to say how much this sucks. If you recall, last year I had surgery on my other shoulder. Well, I've already had surgery on this shoulder too, about 10 years ago. It really sucks to think I might have screwed it up again. I'm dreading the next trip to the doctor. *sighs* Okay, on to happy thoughts...

Like I said, Hubby and I went to the Mall of America. Aside from being in pain, I had a great time walking the mall and spending money I really couldn't afford to spend. I got to visit my "cosmetics mecca", which happens to be the Bare Escentuals store. It's the absolute best makeup I've ever used. Up until now I've only ordered it on-line, because there are no stores near me. I know men won't understand this, but as a woman, I was THRILLED to get to see all those colors and play with the products in person! Yay for me! Hubby wasn't so thrilled when he found out how much I spent, but at least he had the good graces to tell me how beautiful I look when I get dressed to the hilt with that makeup, and with a lump in his throat tells me I'm worth it - lol!

I also got to go to an outstanding scrapbook store. Scrapbooking is one of my favorite hobbies, and falls along the lines of my passion for rubberstamping. I spent a little too much money in that store too, but geez - I'm so deprived where I live. There aren't any good scrapbook or rubberstamp stores around here, so when I find a place that has a good selection, I tend to go a little nuts. *grins* But I wasn't the only one spending money at the'ultimate mall', so I feel no guilt for my shopping extravaganza. :)

The only bummer I encountered on this trip, aside from my shoulder issue, was the clothes shopping experience. Holy shit! I found this great purse I fell in love with immediately. Then I looked at the price tag. $238.00 - American! Are these people crazy!?!? Now, if it was Prada, okay, but this was just Macy's for heaven's sake. I would spend that much on a Prada bag, which would be a steal as Prada goes. (The average Prada handbag ranges from $800.00 to $1500.00. No shit. And that's low-end.) But for a Macy's purse - I think not.


I was also on the hunt for a nice pair of brown leather clogs. I swear these people have a conspiracy going on, because EVERY SINGLE PAIR of clogs I looked at were $89.99. Now, I don't mind spending good money on my footwear, however, if I'm going to spend $100 on a pair of shoes, they better at least be comfortable. None of them "fit the bill", so needless to say, I came home without a new pair of clogs. :(


Then there were the clothes. Man oh man. If I had a few $1,000 to spend, I would have come home with a fabulous new wardrobe! Mind you, I would have been lucky to buy 10 pieces, but those pieces would have been oooo-la-la! So, sadly, I didn't come home with any new clothes either. But the makeup and the craft projects...SCORE! LOL Moving on...

It really has been a busy month for me. The week prior to going to Minnesota, I had just gotten back from a trip to Texas. I was there for a week and had a wonderful time for the most part. Although I have to admit, this particular trip felt a little "off". Not enough to make me want to change my mind about moving back, but enough to make me feel like another trip down might not be a good idea until I move back permanently. A lot of it had to do with the ol' "things change" syndrome. Things are definitely changing, mostly where all my dear friends are concerned.

There is more that I wanted to say today, but my shoulder is hurting pretty bad right now, and my hand is tired from all this typing, so I'll have to save it for another day. Hugs to you! xoxo

She's ALIVE!

Eeeee-gad! It's been so long, I'm not even sure where to begin. Maybe I can try just giving some highlights for now, and then I'll get into the nitty-gritty details later. Or maybe not, lol - guess it will depend on how I'm feeling.

Okay, we'll start with the smoking. Did I quit? No (she says, hanging her head in defeat). I tried the patch for a week and don't you know, I ended up being allergic to the damn thing. I got this huge welt where ever I placed the patch, and it made my whole body itch something terrible. I could only put up with that for so long, so I stopped using it and headed to the doctor again for an alternative, which is this new-fangled pill they have out now. I haven't started taking it yet - been gearing myself up for a new quit date. I'll let you know how that goes, lol. I have stopped smoking in the house, which is a major step for me, so at least I'm making some progress, right?

Then there was the move back at the beginning of June. I'm glad that's over. I still have piles of boxes stacked around the house, trying little by little to go through everything we own, narrowing down our belongings by 2/3rds. Seems we were 22,000 lbs over our allowed weight limit, and if we don't get rid of all the excess weight, the government/military is going to charge us to move all that crap next time. That could be a very expensive prospect that we'd rather not deal with, so I'm going through everything we own, getting ready for the biggest garage sale known to man-kind. I figure at the rate I'm going, we should be ready by next spring, because there's no way I'll be ready before the cold weather sets in.

Mostly over the last few months I have just been sorting and organizing the new house, and over the last six weeks I have also been working a lot of extra hours, filling in for everyone else while they went on vacation. Not much exciting to talk about has been going on in my world.

I did get my own vacation this year. YaY! Any chance to get away from this place for a while is a blessing. Hubby and I went to the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally the week before last. As expected, we had a wonderful time and didn't want to come home. If you ever get a chance to take a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I promise it will be well worth the trip, particularly if you are a nature lover. It's so beautiful there, and seeing the sights from the seat of a motorcycle is something I highly recommend. Hubby and I love it so much that we are going to renew our wedding vows there next year.

Let's see...Oh - I had a birthday last week. Happy Birthday to me. My birthdays are never really too exciting, but this year wasn't bad as birthday's go. Wait. I take that back. This year had it's good points and bad points. Given that my birthday falls in the middle of August, I never really get to celebrate in a big way. For the most part, there's never really anyone around to help me celebrate, because everyone either lives too far away, or they end up being on vacation. Well, this year my birthday closely coincided with ladies night at my favorite bar here, so I called on all my local drinking associates to help me celebrate. (I call them my associates, because I never really see them outside the bar, so I don't really consider them close friends.) Anyway...

Let me back track a bit here. My birthday celebration began with an hour facial, then an hour massage. That was very yummy! Hubby is always asking me what I want for my birthday, and rather than say "don't worry about it", this year I decided to treat myself. I enjoyed both the facial and the full body massage tremendously. Next up, I got a hotel room downtown for that night so I wouldn't have to worry about driving home. I had made reservations at this hotel about two weeks prior, so Hubby knew where I was staying. When I got to the hotel to check in, the desk clerk handed me a package that was sitting behind the counter for me. Lo and behold, it was a birthday present from Hubby - a beautiful diamond bracelet. I was tickled to no end, and felt like a princess at this point.

I guess I should add here that Hubby wasn't going to be joining me that evening at the bar because he had to work in the morning, so this was a girls night out kind of birthday. Well, at this point I was really looking forward to the rest of the night. I got my room, took a shower and got ready for the evening, then I met Big T for appetizers before we headed to the bar to meet up with everyone else. I was in great spirits. I had the whole night ahead of me yet, and there were plans for after the bar that had me excited too.

Well, we finally got to the bar, and from there things went down hill. For starters, the price went up on our "ladies night - all you can drink" bracelets. Okay, so the price didn't go up that much, but still. Then, I was thoroughly dissappointed by, not one, but two different men, in a depressing way. One of them had told me he'd be working at the bar that night, and then afterwards he was supposed to accompany me to my hotel room. I had been thinking about him all day, excited at the prospect of spending "private time" with him. He and I had been trying to find time alone for months, but nothing ever seemed to work out between our schedules. We had finally worked it out to be on this night, and not only did he end up not working, but I haven't heard hide-nor-hair from him since that night. Let's just say I'm more than a little pissed at being blown off like that.

Then there was this other guy, who had told me several times over the last few weeks that he was looking forward to spending that evening with me at the bar to help me celebrate (mind you, time with guy #2 was to be during the time guy #1 was working.) Well, guy #2 ended up not showing up until 11:00 that night, stayed all of 15 minutes, then left without a trace. And here I was thinking to myself, since guy #1 was blowing me off, maybe guy #2 and I could hook-up, because our "friendship" seemed to be heading in that direction. Boy was I wrong.

Needless to say, I ended up getting really trashed that night. When I got back to my empty hotel room - alone - I peeled off my clothes and sexy undies, crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep, because I just don't understand what I'm doing that is so gawd-awful that men feel it is okay to treat me like I'm worth so little. I know I'm worth more than that, but on the flip side I feel like I must not be anything special. It's hard to explain how I'm feeling right now, so I'll let that rest for the moment. Suffice it to say, I'm feeling a bit like a man-hater right now, because I'm tired of the way men are making me feel about myself. Moving on...

OH! About a month ago I got my bellybutton pierced! That was exciting! I've been wanting to do that for the longest time, and Hubby finally talked me into it. Yay!

And last but not least, my cat ate the power cord to my laptop two days ago, so until I get my replacement, I am forced to work on my desktop pc right now, which is serious need of a "tune up". *sighs*

Well, I suppose thats it for the highlights (and the low-lights) over the last few months. If I think of anything else, I'll let you know.

xoxo

The Big Day

Yesterday was the big day. I had a few cigarettes left yesterday morning when I woke up, so I had my coffee and smoked to my hearts content before I left for work. I saved one cigarette for the ride to work. When I got to work yesterday, I had a little ceremony to say goodbye to my "friend", and then in the peace and quiet of the morning, I rolled down my car window, lit up, and I enjoyed my last cigarette. It has now been almost 24 hours since I have smoked.

Admittedly, the patch is working for the most part. As far as those evil cigarette cravings go, like the one I had in the hospital, they are few and far between right now. The patch is really helping to cut down that raw-nerve-need to smoke. Unfortunately, it is not going to be the "cure-all" though. I am still having moments - a lot of them - where I just want to light up. Those are more of a psychological thing based on the routine of smoking. Like last night after dinner. I enjoy my after-dinner cigarette, and I really wanted one after dinner last night. I got a little moody because I couldn't have one. This morning is tough too. I love waking up in the morning and having a cigarette with my coffee. That's why I'm blogging right now ... I'm trying to keep my hands busy, lol.

Yesterday at work, as I suspected, it was pretty easy for me. Actually, it was a lot easier than I anticipated. I managed to get through half my day without thinking about going out and having a ciggy. I told myself early in the day that I couldn't watch the clock. Prior to this, I was a serious clock watcher, judging my day by the breaks I took to have a smoke. Amazingly enough, it was slow as shit yesterday at work, and yet the day went by fairly fast. I'm really hoping today will go by fast too.

Don't get me wrong - I was definitely craving a cigarette yesterday at work, but I brought munchies with me, which I utilized to the fullest. It is easy to see how my dad managed to put on so much weight when he quit smoking. There is something about the "hand-to-mouth" action that is very satisfying. Most of the day I munched on cran-raisins or soy nuts, but soy nuts are very filling, so I could only take so many of those, lol. After work last night I went to the grocery store, and I stocked up on healthy munchies, like raw veggies, more dried fruits, low-cal, low-fat snacks, and sugerless gum, which I might add is NOT calorie free, but at least it will keep my jaws busy for a while, LOL! Anything to help these cravings, and reduce the odds of a major weight gain, because I would rather smoke than put on anymore weight. I also stocked up on bottled water. I drank so much water yesterday that I thought I was going to float away, lol.

Okay ... On to day two. Time to get ready for work.
xoxo

A New Day Is Dawning

I have to say, today went much better than things have gone over the last week or so. First thing this morning I called and reserved the moving truck, before I even had my first cup of coffee. That was fun! Not. The guy on the phone was rather clueless. I think he must have needed his first cup of coffee too, lol. He tried to charge me $250 more than that truck was worth. You aren't the brightest bulb in the pack if you try to do that to Lady Lover when she is just waking up - she tends to let the bitch come out really quick. ;) But we managed to get things straightened out, and the truck is now reserved.


Right after I hung up the phone with the moving truck guy, I got a call from the Cardiologist's nurse. My future appointments have been approved, and I go next Tuesday for the heart monitor. Even better, she told me that I only have to wear the monitor for 24 hours. Yay! I had these visions of having to walk around with this thing for a week, trying to disguise it. Now all I have to do is come home and keep packing. Then I go the following day to have it taken off, on my way to get my perm, so that works. The following week I have a follow-up appointment with the main man (the Cardiologist, himself), so I'm hoping he'll have some information for me by then.


After talking with the nurse, it was time to call the base pharmacy about those patches. They were ready for pick-up! Finally! A day where things were going right! It's about time!


Then I get a phone call from Hubby, asking me if I wanted to go downtown and go to the new craft store that just opened up. Are you kidding? I don't say no when Hubby asks me if I want to go spend money! I'm a major craft store fanatic too, so YAY, again! It's going to be a good day, but...

Now things are getting serious about this quitting smoking, and while I was waiting for Hubby to get home, I started thinking about how I'm really going to do this - how I'm really going to quit. Eeekkk! "They" say you should set your mind on a particular day, and then go for it. I thought I had done that two days ago, but that obviously didn't work out as planned. I could have quit today, with the hope that the patches would be ready, but I simply didn't feel like it. With the moving truck guy trying to rob me, I started smoking with that first phone call, so today wasn't the day to quit. Anyway, while I was waiting for Hubby, I decided "The Day" will be Saturday.


My reason for choosing Saturday as the day to quit is simple really. I'm already used to not smoking while I'm at work. Even though I'm allowed to run out and have a quick ciggy a couple times during the course of the day, for the most part, Saturday's & Sunday's are usually my least heavy smoking days. With that being the case, it only makes sense in my mind to start on Saturday. :) Although, I can't stay couped up in that little office all day without some sunshine, so those breaks are going to be interesting. Maybe I'll just go for a short walk. I'll have to think of something, because my office doesn't have any windows, and sitting there for 8 hours with only a ringing phone and a computer to keep me company will drive me crazy if I don't get outside at least once or twice. I guess I'm going to have to take this quitting thing one day at a time...but not until Saturday, lol.

Anyway, after Hubby got home today, he and I went out. First we stopped and picked up some smokes for me. I have to admit, it was weird picking up only two packs of cigarettes. I am so used to buying cartons. Then we stopped by the pharmacy and picked up the patches. That's kind of an oxymoron, I know, but what the hell. At least now I have them ready and waiting for Saturday. :) Afterwards, we headed downtown and had lunch together, then we went to the craft store. That was fun! This town so seriously needed a good craft store, and I spent totally too much money, but I have been deprived for two years now, so I was just making up for lost time. ~hehe~

Just as we are getting ready to leave the craft store, guess who calls? Yep, it was K. He needed a ride. Oh boy. I'm starting to get the feeling that we are going to become a taxi service for him. He is going to be without a license for at least three months downtown, and on base he has already lost his driving priviledges for a year. I can only hope this won't become a daily habit, because I'll definitely have something to say about that. I know Hubby wants to help his friend out and all, but there are limits.

Well, that's about it. Probably not the most thrilling day to most people, but it was a good day for me. Tomorrow I will have to put some serious effort into packing. Moving day will be here before we know it, and there is still a lot to do.

*Hugs & Kisses* to all of you out in "Blogger Land".
Nighty-Night!
xoxo

More Changes

Late last night I decided my blog needed a face lift, so I decided to use a different template. :) Just one more thing to change in my life, lol.

I don't really know what to talk about tonight. Today was fairly uneventful. I had a bad headache earlier today, so I didn't accomplish much, unless you count taking a 4 hour nap. Then Hubby and I met K downtown for dinner, because he wanted some company. Of course, while we were with him, all we heard about was what's going on with him because of the DUI. So far there really isn't any new news - mostly it's all "maybe" this, or "maybe" that.

While we were downtown, I made an appointment for next week to get my hair permed. I am trying to do positive things in my life to make me feel better, so I have decided to change my hair too. I haven't had a perm in over three years - ever since I cut off all my hair. Now that my hair has finally grown back out and is long again, I have decided it needs some life in it, because right now it's just feeling long and stringy. Ah, well, hopefully a perm will help.

Tomorrow is the big day. At least, it's supposed to be. I need to call the pharmacy tomorrow to see if my prescription has been filled for my nicotine patches. I hope they are ready. I'm down to my last pack of smokes, so tomorrow really would be ideal. Although I have to admit, I'm really nervous about quitting. I am still trying to tell myself it's time, and giving myself pep-talks to keep myself motivated about it. I can do this, right? Right!

I keep thinking about my dad when he quit smoking years ago. I remember it well. One day we were sitting in the living room, and my dad had a cigarette in his hand. He looked at my mom and said, "I'm done." He put out the cigarette, and never picked up another one. Go, Dad! The only problem is that he ended up using a lot of unhealthy substitutions, like candies and other foods to help him get over it, and afterwards, he didn't stop with the unhealthy eating . It became a new way of life for him. Now Dad is a diabetic, and it's kicking his butt.

That's what scares me about quitting. I don't want to end up like my dad - severely overweight, and dealing with diabetes. On the flip side, if I keep smoking, I could end up like my mother with the emphysema. I need to take a whole new approach to my efforts. Lots and lots of water to flush out my system, and lots of healthy carrot & celery sticks! I keep trying to think of things I can do to keep my hands busy too. Like working on my crafts and what not. They say excercise is good too if you start getting cravings, like taking walks. I think, maybe, if I start feeling ansy and need a smoke, maybe I'll just grab Hubby for a good romp! hehe That would be exercise, right? And it's highly unlikely that Hubby would complain. ;)

Well, that's about it for tonight, I guess. I can't really think of much else to talk about. I'll let you know how tomorrow goes.

Nighty-night - xoxo

Let Me Get This Straight...

For a while now I have been thinking about quitting smoking. Given my recent trip to the hospital, and these issues with my heart, I have come to the conclusion that it is now or never.

The thought of quitting smoking is very scary for me. I have been smoking for way too many years, and even though I can think of many reasons why I should quit, my cigarettes have been the one thing in my life I could always count on. Whether I was mad, sad, bored, hungry, depressed, lonely - whatever - my cigarettes have always been there for me. Of course, they have been there through the good times too, so they have been like my constant companion for the last 25 years. The thought of giving them up is like saying you can cut my arm off. Not gonna happen, right? But I have decided, scary or not, it is time to give them up.

For starters, my mother is going through serious health issues because of smoking. She has severe emphysema, to the point that she needs a lung transplant, but her over-all health is so poor because of it that a lung transplant is not a possibility. It seems like every day her health is deteriorating more and more, and all of it is tied to the emphysema. Her mother, my grandma, also had emphysema, and my mom's brother now has it has well. Looking at these three family members should have been enough to get me to quit years ago, right? But things never really quite hit home until it is happening to you - or me, as the case may be.

Like I said, I've been thinking about quitting for some time now. And there are a lot of reasons why I want to quit, but the one thing that has stopped me up until now is that I am afraid I will gain more weight if I quit. This past year has been difficult on me physically, and has kept me from doing any major exercise. Because of it, I have put on almost 30 pounds. It also means that I have smoked more cigarettes, because all I have done is sit around for the most part.

About 4 years ago, I talked myself into going to a series of smoking cessation classes offered on base. I made it through all the classes, but I just didn't have the will power to quit at the time. I went so far as to get a prescription for the patch, but I never got it filled. As a smoker who has had many friends over the years who were also smokers, I have heard a lot of horror stories about trying to quit. All the attempts people have made, but failed at; all the techniques, and stop-smoking aids that haven't worked for people - you start thinking nothing is going to really help, so why bother.

Well, when I was in the hospital this last time, I had a little incident with the hospital staff. During one of my moments of being awake [because they had me so doped up while I was there, I slept through most of my stay] I told Hubby that I wanted some "fresh air", and I asked one of the nurses if Hubby and I could go for a walk. The nurse told me I couldn't leave the hospital floor I was on. I said, all I want to do is go for a walk (lie, lie, lie) and I was told I no. Whoa - that really pissed me off. Never tell a smoker who needs a cigarette they can't do something. Especially if that smoker also just happens to be me. I ended up pitching a major fit. Okay, so maybe I got bit "evil", and started cussing at the hospital staff. Something about, "You can't tell me what to do. I'm a grown woman and can do whatever the hell I want. And right now I want a F****** cigarette!" Man oh man, I've never seen a nurse move so quick. She left the room, and within 5 minutes she was back in the room and slapping a nicotine patch on my back - where I couldn't reach it, I might add. I just sat there and stewed in my hospital bed, and eventually fell back to sleep.

This was the first time I have ever had the nicotine patch on, and surprise, surprise, it actually helped! They kept me on the patch for the duration of my hospital stay, and it helped so much so, that when I was leaving the hospital I seriously contemplated quitting right then and there. But the obstinant smoker in me asked Hubby to take off the patch about 5 minutes into the car ride, and I lit up. That was two weeks ago. Since then, every time I light a cigarette I can't help remembering how well the patch worked while I was in the hospital. And when I left the hospital, the doctor had given me a prescription for the patch, and I have been braving myself up to get the prescription filled.

Well, today I decided it was going to be the day. I headed over to the base hospital to get the nicotine patch, deciding I was ready to quit. My attitude on the way over was, "I can do it!" I confidently strutted up to the pharmacy window, handed the attendant my prescription, and...

Life just doesn't seem to want to cut me a break. Here I am trying to do the right thing. You would think that everyone around me, particularly hospital staff, would be ready to help me accomplish this particular goal, right? Wrong. Here's what I was told: "We're sorry [Lady Lover], but unless you are part of a stop-smoking program, we will not be able to fill this prescription." Uh...what??? They proceeded to explain that my insurance doesn't cover the prescription for the nicotine patch, but the military will cover it, IF, and only if, I join a smoking cessation program, because they want to make sure I'm serious about quitting before they fill the prescription.

What is wrong with these people??? What the hell do they think I'm going to do with this prescription, sell the patch on street corners??? Be serious! If I had no intentions of quitting, I wouldn't have wasted my time going to the pharmacy to have the prescription filled in the first place. Talk about ridiculous! Needless to say, at that point I really needed a cigarette. These people had me beside myself over this whole thing.

The military has a stop-smoking program with the American Lung Association, and if you call them and tell them you want to quit, they will get you a prescription for the patch. So while I am still standing there at the pharmacy window, I ask them for the phone number to the American Lung Association, and I call them on the spot, hoping they will assist me in getting this prescription filled. Easy, right? Again, wrong.

So I call the American Lung Association, trying to be calm and polite, although by now, I'm almost at my wits end. I go through the process of giving this guy all my information on the phone, all the while thinking, this is fine - not so bad - this guy is going to help me. Ha! After giving him all my info, I had to sit there and listen to him tell me how bad smoking is for me, and he starts sharing all these nifty ideas about how to help me get through the cravings, and all the things I need to start changing in my life to get through this. Then he shares with me that quitting smoking has been clinically proven to be more difficult than getting off of heroine. Thanks a lot! Can you please just help me get my prescription? After being on the phone with this guy for over 20 minutes, he decides to tell me, "I know you are ready to quit, [Lady Lover], but unfortunately, you won't be able to get your prescription filled today. It will take at least two days, because there's paperwork that has to be done before we can submit your prescription to the pharmacy."

So, let me get this straight. I'm telling you that I'm ready to quit today, and you're telling me I have to wait? My only response to this whole situation...I'm going to go have a cigarette. And that's exactly what I did.

chug-a-chug-a-chug....CHOOO-CHOOO!!

Have you ever been stuck at a railroad track, waiting for the train to go by so that you can cross the tracks, and when the train finally goes by, it's only going about 1 mile an hour? I hate when that happens! LOL! I'm feeling like a slow train these days. I have so much to do, and I can't seem to get any momentum up to get any of it done. For instance, right now I should be getting in the shower, because I have some stupid pizza party to go to at work. I should also be doing laundry, paying bills, and doing more packing for this move, but I just don't have it in me right now. I would rather be a slug right now and sit in front of the computer surfing eBay & posting to my blog. :)

Update on my heart issue - still waiting to hear from the insurance company about being approved for this heart monitor. The last two days I have been feeling much the same as I did the night I ended up in the ambulance. It's not a good feeling. I'm not sure what is causing it, but I have some peace of mind knowing its not a heart attack. Speak of the devil! As I'm typing this, I just got a call for the Cardiologists' nurse. It has been almost a week, and she is just NOW submitting the paperwork for this insurance approval! Good God! Apparently they are in no great hurry to see if my heart is going to stop beating on me! What is wrong with these people??? So now I have to wait possibly another week or two?! Is it any wonder my heart goes whacky?

Sunday we got a bummer of a phone call. Hubby's closest friend here got stupid Saturday night, and ended up getting a DUI! I was working 12 hour shifts this past weekend, and Hubby spent time at work keeping me company on and off. Well, Saturday night Hubby was getting text messages from his friend, being harrassed for not going out that night with him. The friend, we'll call him "K", wanted Hubby to come downtown and be the DD (designated driver) for the night. Hubby told him he wasn't coming down because he was spending time with me. That didn't sit well with K, so K harrassed Hubby all night with the text messages.

[Side note: K is divorced, and I don't think he has any great love for me, which is fine. He's okay, in my opinion, but he's got an ego the size of the Grand Canyon, and he thinks he's a god. He has tried, on more than one occassion, to lead Hubby into the "single-man" lifestyle, and I have no doubt that A LOT of our marital issues last year were due to K's influences.]

Well, Mr. "Holier than Thou" had too much to drink that night, and he has a tendancy to get really obnoxious when he gets drunk, thinking he's Superman or something. He's the kind of guy that, when he's been drinking, he'll start challenging every male in sight to wrestle him. And, God forbid, someone realize that he's had too much to drink and offer to drive him home. In his eyes, he is NEVER too drunk to drive. Then, because of his increased testosterone levels, if you try to get his keys from him, you're sure to get into a fist fight.

Okay, so Hubby told him several times that night that he couldn't come down, suggesting more than once that K call a cab to go home. But do you think K would listen? Hell no. Then Hubby gets one final text saying...get this...K needs a ride from one bar to another bar, and would Hubby come down and give him a ride. After that one, Hubby turned off his cell phone, because it was just getting ridiculous.

Now, on one hand, Hubby and K are really close buds, and Hubby felt a little guilty for telling his friend "no". On the other hand, it was Hubby's choice to hang with me, and given how late it was, Hubby didn't feel like going down there anyway. I will also add that by this time I was exhausted from working a twelve hour day, and I didn't have patience for the crap that K was pulling. I told Hubby not to feel guilty - that K was a grown man, and he could take care of himself. Plus, Hubby and I both knew that K wasn't partying alone, so there were other people down there that could help him if he needed it.

The next morning, around 8 a.m., Hubby's cell phone starts ringing. Hubby was still in bed, and he wasn't about to crawl out of bed to grab his phone. I don't touch Hubby's phone, so I let it ring. For the next hour and a half, Hubby's phone continued to ring on and off. Finally, Hubby got fed up with it and got up to check his phone to see who it was. There were no voice mails - just one text message that said, "got a dui last night - sorry I let you down." OMG! If that wasn't an intentional dig at Hubby for not going downtown that night, I don't know what would be! And, of course, that hurt Hubby tremendously, and made him feel really guilty for not going out that night and being there for his friend.

I can not believe that K laid a guilt trip on Hubby! That was so wrong! I told Hubby that he shouldn't feel guilty for that. K knew that Hubby wasn't going to go out that night. And while you hate to see any "friend" go through that, I have a hard time having sympathy for a 38 year old man who should have known better. Not to mention the fact that this wasn't K's first DUI!!! If he didn't learn his lesson the first time, then he's on his own.

Hubby and I were talking about what happened to K, and how guilty Hubby felt about not going down there. I told Hubby that if one of my friends called in the middle of the night and said they were too drunk to drive and needed a ride home, I would go get them, no questions asked. But K was playing games that night, and he was looking for Hubby to go bar hopping with him. That's not calling on a friend for help, which makes it totally different. K didn't want help getting home - he just wanted Hubby to come out that night. Besides, K wasn't alone that night. He was with a group of people. And no offense to Hubby, but if K thinks he can influence Hubby away from me, K's got another thing coming to him!

Yes, I feel like K and I have a power struggle over Hubby sometimes. I would never deny my husband time with his buddies. Never. Hubby can do what he wants. BUT...on that particular night, Hubby was sticking around with me because I needed help with some stuff after work. There's no struggle there. Hubby says, and I quote, "[Lady Lover] comes first." So should I feel guilty along with Hubby? Uh, no. I will not feel guilty about it.

On a sad note, K has screwed up his life in more ways than one. Not only did he get arrested for this [K refused the breathalizer & blood test, which was an automatic conviction], but he also lost his driver's license for a year. And the worst of it - K screwed the remainder of his military career because of this. The Base Commander is making an example out of K, and K is being forced to retire, and will probably be out of the military in less than 30 days.

Now, of course, K is feeling all kinds of remorse over what he did. While its a bummer that he let stupidity over rule his common sense, again I have a hard time feeling sorry for him. He brought this on himself, and now he is going to pay the price. The one person I feel most sorry for is Hubby. If K leaves the military, that also means he'll be leaving this place, and moving back to Texas. Hubby feels really bad for his friend, and last night Hubby said to me, "Now I have no one." I felt really bad for Hubby, because he's losing his best bud to hang out with. Although, I have to say that kind of hurt my feelings, because he still has me, but I understand all too well that we need friends aside from each other. But, and this might sound really selfish, but, maybe now Hubby will understand what I have been going through these last two year, not having any friends of my own here. While I have been hurting and lonely, Hubby has always had K to hang out with.

So, now it's a waiting game to see what the final result is going to be for K. He owns a house in town, so moving for him isn't going to happen overnight. As for K and Hubby's friendship, I support Hubby in anything he feels he needs to do for K at this point. And I will have to call on all my patience for the amount of time I know Hubby and K will be spending with each other between now and what ever the future holds for K. But I have to be clear on this - I am supporting Hubby - and only because he feels that K is his best friend. Besides, this too shall pass - and in the end Hubby & K's friendship will only be put on hold, because K is moving back to where Hubby and I are going to retire, so I know their friendship will pick up where it leaves off when K moves. Although, I have to admit, things are going to get interesting around here once K leaves, I'm sure. I have a feeling Hubby is going to hit a "poor me" stage, because he won't have his buddy around. And I know I am going to have a hard time having sympathy for that one, because I've been going through it for two years now, and most of the time Hubby seemed to care less about it.

Ah well - the train is pulling out of the station, and life keeps moving forward. Guess it's time I hop on the train and try to go with the flow. For now I need to get off my arse and hop in the shower...chug-a-chug-a-chug-a-chug....

Changes Ahead - part 2

I am really tired tonight, but I felt like posting, so here I am. :)

I've been packing all day. Back in October I was supposed to move back to Texas, and a good deal of my belongings are already packed. But about two weeks before I was supposed to move, Hubby asked me to stay through the winter. I agreed, so here I still sit, but I never unpacked the boxes that I had already packed. Although, in the last 6 or 7 months I have been pulling things out of boxes, little by little if I needed them. Well, now that I am packing again, I am finding that I've pulled out a heck of a lot more than I thought I had. Add that to all the things I've purchased over that time, and I feel like I've got a lot of packing to do - again. It is amazing how much "stuff" can be accumulated over the course of such a short period of time.

I am having mixed emotions about this upcoming move. In one respect, I'm really bummed that this move is only relocating us two blocks away. I was really hoping that my next move would be back to my beloved Texas. I also don't know how this is going to affect the move I am supposed to make in September. Having to pack a moving truck again so soon will probably be the cause of a few arguements between Hubby and I, and I hate fighting. On the other hand, I am actually looking forward to this move, because we are moving into a much nicer house. It's also bigger. Much bigger. I don't know how many square feet the house is that we are living in now, but this new house is a 1700 sq. ft., 3 bedroom, 2 1/2 bath home, with a two car garage. Oh - and I have to stress the word NEW. Our base has been doing a lot of revamping, and the housing area is getting a major overhaul, so we are getting a brand new house. I am finding that I can't complain about it, although the simple act of having to move is a pain in the butt. Especially when you consider that we were told we would be in a house that wouldn't be affected by the construction when we moved in.

Anyway, I am finding that I am actually getting excited about this move. I really need a change of scenery, and I keep telling myself this just might be what the doctor ordered. A fresh start on a new street, new neighbors, a great house, maybe a new perspective on things... I am also hoping that maybe I can make a friend or two over there. It also cuts my travel time to work in half. Not that my travel time is really all that bad - as it is, it only takes me 5 minutes to get to work. It's one of the perks of living and working on base. But now, my travel time will only be 2 1/2 minutes, lol! Mind you, that's also a pit fall, because there are only two of us that work in my office that live on base. If one of the full-timer's gets stuck because of bad weather, gets sick, or whatever, Big T or I are the ones they call on to fill in or help out.

So, like I said, I'm actually getting excited about this move. Initially Hubby and I decided to let the military move us, but then we realized we could make some money by moving ourselves, so that's what we have decided to do. It's probably not the smartest idea given our recent health issues, but we could really use the money. Besides, Hubby is recruiting a bunch of military guys from work to help us out on moving day. As far actually moving furniture and boxes, we'll have help, so it shouldn't be too tough.

Speaking of health issues, today I was supposed to call the doctor about the portable heart monitor I'm supposed to be on. Well, before I called the doctors office today to set up a time for that, I decided maybe I should call our health insurance company, just to make sure I was cleared with authorization for these upcoming appointments. It's a good thing I called. For starters, the doctor and his nurse weren't even in today. That's a little frustrating since it was them who told me to call today. On top of that, I found out that I am not authorized for these appointments. Now I have to wait to hear back from both the doctor and our insurance company before I can get this stuff taken care of. I have been told it can take up to a week for the authorization process, and I can't even make the appointments until I have that authorization number, which means it could be two weeks or more before I do the heart monitor thing. Like there isn't enough stress in my life right now. *sighs*

I have been thinking a lot about Sexy Man today. Most of the time I try not to think about him, but for some reason he has been on my mind all day. I really miss him, and that makes me sad. There have been a few times when I wanted to pick up the phone and send him a text just to see how he is doing. I always stop myself with a reminder of how he decided to end things, which always makes me feel worthless in his eyes, and then I get pissed off all over again about how he handled things. Then I start mulling over our relationship, rehashing the wonderful times we had, and hitting a brick wall when I get to how things ended. I am still very confused over the way things ended, because I can't understand how two people who had something so wonderful can just let things end the way it did - or more to the point, how HE could end things the way HE did. It's a nasty little cycle that I really need to break, so I am trying to stay strong.

On a more happy note, after a very relaxing back rub, Hubby and I had some really good sex last night! I turned on HBO and there was a "Real Sex" episode on about the ultimate orgasm, lol - Hubby watched it with me, and he really must have been paying attention, because he made me have an orgasm without clitoral stimulation. Now guys, here's the scoop: A LOT of women NEED clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm, and for them, to have one with only vaginal stimulation is a real treat. It is a very different sensation as orgasms go. Last night, Hubby and I had to take it slow and easy because of that angiogram procedure I had done, but because of that, he was hitting my G-spot juuussst right! YUMMY!!

If you want to give your lady a real treat, try this... While you are having intercourse, (don't forget the pre-sex back massage*wink-wink*), start out only going about two inches in, and use a slow but steady rhythm. Do this for as long as you possibly can (only going about two inches in) - it will be a treat for you too, but you'll probably have to call on every ounce of self-control you have if your lady is going to reach orgasm this way, because once you let your load go and get soft, it won't feel nearly as yummy to her. By using this method, you are essentially massaging her G-spot with the head of the penis, and it's HEAVENLY! [A side note to this is that it just isn't the same when you are slamming your lady with full strokes.]

Well, I suppose it is time for me to get to bed. I have more packing to do tomorrow. I'm trying to take it easy after being in the hospital, so it is a slow process. Good thing I have three weeks before the move actually takes place.

xoxo

Changes Ahead

Wow! I just re-read my last post. It's pretty obvious that I am turning into a very bitter woman, and I don't like it one bit. I can only imagine that anyone out in "blogger land" who might read my posts would find it unappealing too. I know that last one was a major bummer, but I have to say - Damn! It felt good to get that off my chest! And now it's time to move forward. Let's see...well...we'll start with the news that Hubby and I got last Monday.

So, last Monday was Hubby's birthday. He doesn't like to make big fusses about his birthday. I think getting older really bothers him, although he won't admit it. I had plans to take him to the Red Wing store to buy him these $200 boots for his birthday that he's really been wanting. They're motorcycle boots. Well, don'tcha know, the Red Wing store in town stopped carrying the motorcycle boots. Hubby was so disappointed. I told him he could order them, but he insists that he wants to try them on before he buys them. I can understand that. I've done the mail order thing with shoes, and it can be disappointing and a pain in the butt if you have to return them. So, Hubby didn't get his boots like I had planned. Then he suggested that he would look for new riding boots when we go to Sturgis this year, so I told him to go for it. Meanwhile...

Hubby and I are sitting at home later that morning, and his cell phone rings. It's the base housing office. They want to remodel the houses on our street, so we have been told that we have to move out of our house no later than June 15th. I've been wanting to move for almost two years now, but this isn't exactly what I had in mind. That was strike two for Hubby's birthday too. It wasn't news he wanted to hear, let alone on his birthday. We sat at home for most of the day feeling very bewildered over this upcoming move. It made it hard to really enjoy the day.

Well , I was determined that the day wouldn't be a total waste for Hubby's birthday. We had plans to go out to dinner that evening. He had his heart set on a certain dish at a certain resturant, so I was going to make sure he got at least that much. Only problem was that I wasn't feeling too good, but I wasn't going to let that stop us from going out to dinner.

For the week prior to Hubby's birthday, I had been experiencing numbness and tingling in my left arm. As I was getting ready for Hubby's birthday dinner, the numbness started to get worse, and overall, I just started feeling really bad - just an overall yuckiness started to set in. Hubby came into the bathroom while I was putting my make-up on and noticed that I didn't quite look myself. He suggested that we not go out to dinner, but I insisted. I wasn't about to add a strike three to his day, so I finished getting ready and we left for dinner.

Dinner was good. Hubby enjoyed his meal, and we had good, light conversation. I still wasn't feeling well though, so after dinner we went straight home. We spent what was left of the night chillin' at our computers, then we both went to bed early.

Ya know, some days, no matter what you do, things just don't work the way you plan. This particular day was simply one of those days.

Through the course of the night, my yucky feeling continued to progress, to the point that the numbness in my arm started getting much worse. Nausea set in, then weakness in legs, and by the time I went to bed, I felt like complete shit. I told Hubby I was going to call the dr. in the morning to make an appointment. Then we went to bed. As I lay there, the nausea and numbness continued to worsen. Then I started to feel this warm pressure in the left side of my chest. I'm sure you know where this is heading.

At 2:00 in the morning, I crawled out of bed trying not to disturb Hubby, grabbed my cell phone, and called our after-hours care unit at the base hospital. I thought, worse case scenerio, they would be able to get me an appointment first thing in the morning. Uh, not. After describing my symptoms to the on-call doctor, I was told to hang up and call 911 immediately. CRAP! I so did not want to make that call. I also hated the fact that I would have to wake up Hubby. His birthday this year wasn't going to make the top 10 list as it was. The last thing he needed was to be awakened in the middle of the night to take me to the hospital.

Well, I woke up Hubby, because I needed to. I tried to explain to him what was going on, but he was in a stuper and really didn't understand. Then I made the 911 call, and within 10 minutes I had two police cars, a fire truck, and an ambulance outside my house. Suddenly I had my house filled with people. I can't tell you how many people were actually standing in my livingroom, but I was surrounded. If I wasn't nervous before, I was definitely nervous now. Then they tell me they are taking me to the hospital downtown. They asked if I could walk out to the ambulance on my own, or if they needed to the get the stretcher. Of course I'll walk! Silly people. Well, just as I was about to get into the ambulance, my legs gave way underneath me, and they ended up carrying me into the ambulance anyway. Guess I should have taken the ride on the gurney. Silly me.

My trip to the emergency room ended up to be a two day stay in the hospital. [Oh, can I just tell you - chewing aspirin is NASTY! And nitroglycerin squirts under the tongue are even worse!] My blood pressure wasn't looking too good, which is actually very unusual for me. I have always been told that my blood pressure is really good for an overweight 40-something smoker, but not this day. Then they did all kinds of EKG's on me, and eventually hooked me up to a heart monitor.

Over the course of my two day hospital stay, I endured several chest x-rays, more blood samples drawn than I care to count (We all know how much I hate needles. They drew so much blood that I actually have track marks in two of my veins. No shit.), three shots in my stomach (yeah, please explain that one, right? They were giving me blood thinners and anti-blood clot meds that apparently could only be delivered through the stomach), an anti-depressant (because in a previous life I had an anxiety attack), pain meds, muscle relaxers, high blood pressure medication, and more x-rays and EKG's. Then, to top it all off, I had a stress test which I failed miserably, which was then followed by the fabulous (not so much) experience of having an angiogram done.

Let me tell you about an angiogram. An angiogram is where they inject a dye into your heart through the main artery, via a small incision in your groin area. They tell you that they are going to give you a medication that will make you very relaxed - to the point that you won't remember a thing. Uh, excuse me...bullshit! So, yeah, I was relaxed, but I remember the whole thing. Especially the part where they tell you, "you are going to feel a warm sensation in your chest", when they inject the dye. Uh, bullshit again! Warm sensation? Not. The moment they started injecting the dye, I felt it. And "warm" is not the proper adjective I would use here. As soon as they injected the dye, I felt an instantaneous hot flash from my groin to my neck. By the way, when I say hot flash, I mean, HOT flash. It feels almost like someone torched you. Thankfully it doesn't last very long, but I couldn't help wondering if the top of my head was smoking from the experience.

At the end of my two day excursion, here's what they found. First, I didn't have a heart attack. Thank the Gods! Second, it wasn't an anxiety attack. Third, the arteries running to and from my heart look good - no blockages in sight. But then comes the bad news. Apparently, one of the chambers of my heart is not playing nice - not pumping like the rest of them. I also seem to be having issues with random heart tremors. Like my heart all the sudden decides to go nuts for a few seconds, whenever the hell it feels like it. So now, they want to hook me up to a portable heart monitor while I'm at home, to see if they can pin-point what is causing these issues.

I ask you...haven't I had enough this past year? Someone...Anyone...hear me now: I'm D-O-N-E! If I never see another hospital the rest of my life, it would suit me just fine! What the hell? I enter my 40's and suddenly by body decides to go to shit?! It's just not right. I swear it's this place that I'm living. If I don't make some changes soon, this place is going to be the death of me, truly. We won't even get into my so-called "love life" right now. I need a break!

Then there's Hubby. He has been on high blood pressure medication for at least the last 5 years. Yesterday he had a migraine, which was brutal, and he still had it this morning when we got up. For at least the last year, it seems like several times a week he gets headaches. I've been asking him to please make an appointment about it, but he puts it off and just accepts the headaches as a part of life. I guess this morning was the turning point because of this migraine, so he saw a doctor about it today.

When he got to the doctors office, the first thing they did was take his blood pressure, which turned out to be 174/114. If you know nothing about blood pressure, let me tell you, that's bad. That's very bad. The doctor told him if they didn't get his blood pressure down, he could have a fatal stroke. As it is, one of his brothers had a quadruple bi-pass at the age of 36. His father also had a quadruple bi-pass in his 60's. There's some unusual family genetics at work here that causes heart problems for the men in his family. I know that heart disease can be genetic, but this genetic thing in Hubby's family is an unusual one. They carry a unique gene that makes their blood thicken, making the blood pump slower than most. That, in and of itself, is a problem, and when you add that to possible heart problems, it really complicates things.

So now Hubby's dealing with a worsening issue with his blood pressure, and I'm dealing with a whacky heart issue myself. I believe it is time for both of us to make some severe changes in our lives, if we are ever going to make it to old age. Mind you, I've been saying this for a while now, but I believe Hubby finally realizes that I might be right. We simply can't go on living like this.

There is a lot more I want to share, but it is almost 1:00 in the morning and I'm tired, so off to bed I go.

Nighty-night. xoxo

I'm Sick of It!

I am so sick of everything right now.

I'm sick of fair-weather friends. You know the kind I'm talking about. They're the ones who only get in touch when it's convenient for them. They're the ones you CAN'T call on when you need a friend, because they really don't give a shit one way or the other. On the off-chance that you actually spend any time with them, you can't expect to have anymore than a casual conversation with them. God forbid you actually need someone to talk to, be it good or bad, because suddenly they have more important things to do. I am sick of fair-weather friends.

I'm sick of having no life. I'm sick of being in a place I hate. I'm sick of spending so much time alone. I'm sick of always trying to find things to do to occupy my time because I spend so much time alone. I am fed up with everything I call "my life" right now. I'm sick of not having my own home. I'm sick of being the only one in this household to worry about finances and the future. I'm sick of my job. I'm sick of the military bullshit. I'm sick of cold weather.

I'm also sick of being sick. Geez-oh-crimeny! I have spent the last year doing nothing but recovering. If I haven't been recovering from surgeries, then I have been recovering from stomach viruses, head traumas, colds, and the flu. Just when I thought I was over being sick, I end up with allergies that are plaguing me with ear infections. I'm 42 years old, for heaven sakes! I'm not supposed to be getting ear infections at 42 years old! I try to take care of myself - eat healthy foods, drink lots of water, take my vitamins, get lots of rest, but it seems no matter what I do, nothing helps. And you can forget exercising. Who the hell feels like exercizing when they're sick 99.9% of the time. I'm sick of being sick.

Last, but hardly least, I'm sick of having my heart stomped on! I'm am so utterly tired of sharing my heart with people, only to have them treat me like I mean nothing in the end. Why do people feel that it is okay to do that? When I care about someone, whether they are a friend, family member, or lover, they usually know it. I am an affectionate person. I spend time letting people know I am thinking about them. I make efforts to hold on relationships that mean something. I am caring and giving, and I always have shoulder when it's needed. I will give you the shirt off my back, open up my home, put food in your belly, and offer hugs of support. Yet, in the end, I am so easily forgotten. I am sick of letting people into my life who don't give a shit.

What the hell?!?! I am NOT some door mat that people can use when needed, then wipe their feet on me and discard me when they don't need me anymore. I am sick and tired of trying to be self-less in my relationships, when everyone else is being so damn selfish! I'm sick of it!